


we crawl like animals

by putarrilla



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-07 12:35:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 56,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5456711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putarrilla/pseuds/putarrilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're a good person Zelena, you just haven't realized it yet." In which Zelena gets shot and meets someone new and everything else is complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**PART ONE:**

**KNOWING**

* * *

 

She's tired of that fucking place. Tired of staring at blank walls and floor and bed. Tired of tasteless food and frequent blood tests. She's honestly tired. But is not like she has the energy for an escape. So she lays there and plays with her interlocked fingers resting on her stomach.

She hears the door click and, well, she doesn't have another appointment until later that day. She turns her head slowly, gazes at the shadow at the entry and frowns. Is not her sister's or the outlaw's or any nurse's silhouette. The person steps in and her heart starts racing. Of course, she doesn't remember the person himself, but she remembers the grimace of pain, of lost, of watching her kill his son. And the fact he carries a gun only makes her try to sit up faster. And she manages to get on her feet and back away before he starts talking.

"They trust her, don't they? They trust that monster's judgment that you should live. That because of that demon you carry you should be allowed to keep your life when you never exitate on taking anyone else's." The man smirks and his eyes are hollow and she calls for a nurse and he points the gun at her, at her stomach, puts a finger to his lips and she gets quiet, rests her hands where the bullet would enter if fired, where a barely noticeable bump is. "Fools. Every single one of those we call leaders. But I'm no fool, my  _son_ was no fool. And it ends today. A life for a life, isn't that what folks say?" He lifts the gun, points it at her chest and isn't it funny? That after everything that happened, after everything she did to her sister, Regina still didn't kill her? That she's going to die by the hands of someone whose life she succeeded in ruining but can't even recall why? And she has a baby. Someone pure and good and that will be loved and raised right. But if she dies, her sweet child will die too. And she can't have that. But she can't plead. Can't draw more attention to her stomach. Maybe, maybe if she's lucky and if the doctors are good enough they will get to her in time and her sweet baby will be okay. So she stays quiet. And tears prickle her eyes. "What? Not goin' to say anything?"

She sees a blur of brown locks and the man is pulled down. And she thinks someone heard her, that it'll be okay. But the gun still fires. She still falls back. Blood still pools around her, warm and thick. And she still feels the buzzing of magic and sees the soft bright blue in the corner of her sight. And she still feels (barely, barely, she's so tired, her vision is so mistied)  hands press against her body, someone mumbling to her that she'll be okay. She will. Yes, she will. But she doesn't care about herself. Her baby. Her baby (the corners of her vision are getting darker and her body is limp and she lifts a hand, touches the top of the ones that compress her wound and she feels the wetness, the warmth that transfers to her fingers). Her baby. Her-

* * *

 

It’s taken them long enough to show up. So she doesn’t flinch when she sees Regina’s frame shouting at the nurse in the front desk.

“Miss Mills?” She calls from the other side of the room and the woman turns to her sharply, Robin right by her side. “If you’d follow me I’ll take you to your sister.”

“How the hell did this happen?”

“Is the child alright?”

She sighs. Can’t answer both questions at the same time. Can’t really contain her anger towards the woman, so she decides to talk to the man.

“She bled a lot and lost consciousness due to that. Fortunately the doctors were able to stop the blood lost before any damage could be done to either the mother or the child.”

“How did this happen?” Regina insists and maybe she should just answer her, be done with it before it gets weird and the woman starts to wonder.

“We were changing shifts. I was late and the nurse before me was early to leave. There was a two minutes frame where the corridor was unwatched.” She stops at the entrance of the room,  clutches the clipboard to her chest. “Doctor Whale will come in a couple of minutes to give you any technical details you may ask. For the time being I want to extend the hospital's profound apology.”

She's nervous. And she's talking like a politician. And Gods. She's tired and angry at things she does not understand. She needs to go on with her routine.

Regina nods absently, crosses her arms, looks at her boyfriend and they are having a silent conversation, she realizes.

“You may wait here or inside, whichever you find best. Excuse me.”

She turns away. Is meant to walk away, feels the freedom of reading her magazine and helping Janet mop the asylum floor. But then

“Who did it? Who got the guy?” It's Regina's voice that asks. And it's somber, as if she already knows, as if she _remembers._

“I did.” She turns her head, grimaces briefly. Walks away. And she feels the warm gushing blood under her pressing hands all over again. There is nothing there, not anymore, but she stops at the bathroom even so.

* * *

 

Her head is pounding. Pounding and pounding and pounding and shit, _shit_ , her left shoulder is on fire. Just breathing makes it worse. She opens her eyes anyhow blinks a couple of times to chase the fog on her vision and the acuteness of the headache away. But she can say she's not on her cell even before her sight focuses on the simple lamp at the center of the ceiling. She tries breathing again. Her shoulder still burns. But she's had worse so she tries rolling them and _shit_ , she should _not_ have done that.

A palm presses against her upper arm and it's too close, so she hisses, flinches away. She turns her head and sees a nurse looking at her with shifting eyes.

“Lets try not to rip your stitches.” The nurse says and she does her best to roll her eyes. “I need to change your dressings so I'm sitting you up, alright?” And the woman doesn’t move to do it immediately,  so she nods silently. She gets a better look at the room when the bed folds and her right hand moves to her stomach, caresses there out of habit and it's  _just_ out of habit because she doesn't even know if there's life inside her anymore. And she wonders if the woman knows, if she'd tell her if she asked, she wants to ask so badly. But she doesn't have much credit in this town, with its people. So she stays quiet and flicks her thumb over the scrub covered skin.

“It's fine. Your baby. It is just fine.”

And she feels tears prickling again but she pushes them back. She's already been too weak. Can't afford to be thought as invalid. But she gazes at the nurse again with the corner of her eyes. The woman still focuses on her job.

“There you go, all done.” She says and Zelena looks at the bandages and nods. The woman assembles her things, makes to leave, reminds her what button should be pushed if she needs anything.

“As if anyone would come.” She mumbles and it’s bitter and resentful because she could've lost her child,  could've died.

“It's their job.” And the nurse is about to leave, turns away and Zelena notices  her hair, how it can barely be considered brown, how it falls in waves that don’t quite touch her shoulder. She remembers brown locks pulling the man with the gun to the floor, she remembers soft blue magic and pressing hands and “People tell me I don't owe you anything. And maybe, maybe I don't.”

Blue eyes meet hazel ones and both can't look away fast enough.

“But the baby is innocent and I did not do my job how I was suppose to and endangered its life. For that, I'm sorry.”

She lifts her hand to the doorknob, waits a second, for what Zelena isn't sure. An answer maybe. But she must change her mind because she twists the metal in her hand and exits into the noise that the open door allowed to invade the room.

Zelena stares at the place the woman had been standing at and her hand grips the cloth that covers her belly. It's fine. Her child is fine.

* * *

 

It's been two days already and she still feels out of place sitting there. Sometimes she thinks she hears a gunshot. But she knows she doesn't. And today. Well today she hears the door by the staircase crack open and lifts her head to see what the common folk like to call _the heroes_ (and she wonders if the eldest brunette doesn't feel odd, doesn't feel entitled to a name that doesn't fit her because she still remembers the heavy makeup and tight outfits and loud booming laughter and she wonders if Regina thinks of that when she is so desperately trying to bring Emma back) coming in her direction.

Snow's eyes cross hers and she’s always been told of the sweetness of the princess.

She doesn’t see much of it now. She sees lost, anger, confusion.

“Has the room been cleaned already?” The charming prince asks and she arches an eyebrow.

“This is a hospital. So yeah.” And maybe she shouldn’t address the man with such a pose. But well. She has a sharp tongue.

He doesn't seem impressed though. Just nods. Looks at his wife and at the former queen.

“I told you.” Snow mumbles, crosses her arms and looks at her. She shifts her gaze back to her magazine.

“How exactly did you take her out of the cell? There was a spell preventing her from leaving.” and Regina is talking to her, so she looks up again and shit shit shit how does she explain it now?

“I… I… I’m not sure.” And that's a big fat lie. She knows exactly how it happened, feels her hands shaking with energy so she closes the magazine, brings it to the desk.

Regina looks and looks at her to the point it gets awkward and people around them start to get uneasy. And she too is uneasy but she has had so much time to practice, so many years have gone by that she doesn’t feel the need to shift around anymore. So she only sits on her chair, waits to reach the point where her hands still and her breathing becomes even. And when she does, Regina sighs, looks at Robin and Snow and Charming (but not at Hook, because Hook isn’t even there, she reminds herself, Hook is trying to find a way back to Emma, to his Emma and she feels pity building at the pit of her stomach). “I can do a tracking spell if you insist.” The woman looks back at her and that's a blef, all the telltale signs are there. The forced smile, the poise, the squareness of her shoulders.

“You’re the mayor, I guess.” She struggles and she’s so sure of the mess she’s presenting herself as to the most important group of people of the town. But she had been angry and then she had been guilty and then she had longed and now she is indifferent and that is her burden to carry, she doesn’t need to share it, has not shared it since it became hers. So she rather be a mess and continue living her life and wait for the burden to lessen than to let them in on something they cannot change.

Regina tilts her head, is about to say something, but Robin touches her elbow and maybe he isn’t up for the interrogation, wants to get things over and done with quickly because the thing that matters most is his child and it is fine, safe and sound with guards outside the door where it grows fingers and nails and face and organs and with only one nurse, the head nurse, ( _herself_ ), allowed in. So maybe he doesn’t particularly care for this whole figuring out how the shot was fired and how Zelena’s and the child’s lives were saved. Maybe he just wants to go home and enjoy some time with his son and his recovered true love and her son. Maybe he just wants to _go on with his freaking life_ and enjoy the spaces they have in between where nothing truly bad happens (because really, when do they actually have time to breathe in Storybrooke?). And maybe there’s someone in the room who she can identify with.

Regina bites her tongue, turns away from her and she thinks they’ll leave, so she  opens her magazine again and tries to find the page she had abandoned but then she hears it, the talk not even four feets away from her. And it’s not really a conversation. It is something quickly developing to a discussion and it seems Zelena should be moved, or should be put right back at her cell, or should just stay at the room she’s in at the moment.

“It’s not like she can stay here anymore, it’s not safe for the baby.”

So much for identifying with the thief. Of course he had to prolong things.

“So where should we put her,uhm?” Snow is angry and the woman doesn’t have patience to deal with these things because her daughter is the freaking dark one and she has barely had enough time to _be_ her mother before her blond princess was taken from her again.

 “I’m not sure-”

“Her farmhouse is still empty and-”

“Would you seriously trust her to a place like _that_ -”

She’s so tired. So so so tired and she’s felt so much during these last few days that really, it is just impulse. It is just a reflex. Something she doesn’t think about and the pity that formed in her stomach is growing, growing and growing and not for a leather-wearer pirate but for blue eyes and auburn hair and wickedness and silent staring and silent questions that she hears to the moment.

“She can stay in my apartment.”

And four pair of eyes shift to her and she’s so stupid and it was a stupid idea. Stupid stupid stupid and she just wants to disappear but David tilts his head, arches his eyebrows and, well, so much for continuing living her life.

* * *

 

After everything became green and dark and twisted, she never again had a nightmare. Never again dreamt of her mother’s agonizing form with lumps being coughed out of her mouth and her father’s groans late at night and the squeak of her parent’s old bed. Never again did she dream of  alcohol stinking breath that licked her skin in a harsh voice. She dreamt of freedom and soft laughter and a thumb stroking her cheek. She dreamt of Cora’s smiling face and Cora’s soft hand brushing her hair back from her face and “ _You’re beautiful, don’t hide your face darling.”_ So she actually finds the comedy on being pregnant with her sister’s soul mate’s baby and having been shot at and dreaming about a child with bright red hair and baby blue eyes crying and crying for her and extending its little arms for her and her own arms stretched, reaching and not being able to touch and sobs ripping through her body and the baby's stomach with a hole in it and blood gushing from it, the baby’s pale skin becoming bluer by the second. So she finds it comical that she wakes with a start to her sister’s hovering form and fixes her gaze to brown ones and sees confusion and untrust and surprise.

“You’re being released.” Regina says and steps away. “There are some clothes by the chair, you have 5 minutes.” So she walks out and Robin had been standing behind his girlfriend and he lingers where he stands, looks at Zelena while she presses the button that folds the bed up. He shakes his head as if something is so wrong. (And of course it is. Everything that surrounds them is fucked up and twisted and she used to see the joy of it, of making people suffer but her shoulder still aches a bit and she had a nightmare so she doesn't anymore).

“Back to my cell, then?” She mumbles to him and stands up from the bed with some difficulty. He shakes his head again, looks at the ground.

“Get changed, we’ll talk later.” He says and exits the room and closes the door.

Zelena picks the clothes up and snorts. Regina must have some sore of satisfaction on putting her out of her element because who the hell would imagine a wicked witch wearing a pink, loose dress and a soft furry sweater. She puts on the damn clothing anyway. Because she’s done fighting and doesn’t want to humor her sister by throwing a tantrum.

She opens the door and _great_ , the whole squad is waiting for her. They sit up straighter when they see her and Regina drops Robin’s hand, walks to her and wraps her hand around Zelena’s upper arm. Starts to lid her down a path that she quickly stops recognizing. She frowns, stops walking all together and Regina is not happy , tightens her hold on her, lets a harsh breath go “Zelena, I swear to god, if you cause _any_ trouble-”

“Where are you taking me?”

“Not your cell. Now walk.”

“Where to, if not my cell?” And her voice takes on that pichy edge that drives her sister out of her mind, that probably crawls under her skin the way seeing Regina’s happiness does to her.

“Some place better Zelena. Just walk.” Robin tries and Zelena looks back at him, at the hate and fear and edginess that mingle in his eyes but his voice had been soft, and she never understood that man, Robin, all the greatness and code of honor bullshit that formed him. She spent nine weeks with him. With morning kisses and breakfast in bed and giggles with Roland and she never understood him. How he could love her sister so much and still try and create some sense of normalcy for the family he thought long lost. And she would never understand the edginess that had appeared when dread vanished after her plan came to its momentum and Regina showed up in New York.

Zelena looks back at her sister. “Why should I trust you? Why would you give me something better? Just to watch me enjoy it? I doubt it, sis.” She controls the pitch in her voice and manages the snark. Because Robin can talk softly all he wants She still doesn't trust him. Because he is her sister’s and her sister is someone she hates and hates her back. She isn't trustworthy. Not with her child.

“Because you don't have a choice. It was not my idea, trust me. If _my_ plan was at use, you’d be right back at your cell, cleaning off your own dry stain from the floor.”

And truthfully, they both can sense it. The moment where Regina steps over the line and proves to everyone that she’s not all light yet, that things aren't just summed up and left behind. They can sense it as it is, Zelena tilts her head the slightest bit as it is, Regina frowns as it is. Neither need Snow's exasperated _Regina_ , nor Robin’s surprised _milady_ to acknowledge the fact that the younger sister said too much.

So Regina frowns and Zelena shuts up and follows her into her car. Because honestly, what difference does it make?

* * *

 

Deep breaths. In and out. Repeat. Easy mind. She's doing nothing wrong. Nothing. And it’ll be fine. The apartment won't be big and empty anymore and there will be dirty dishes and clothes to wash and it’ll be _okay._

(Of course she's scared, she won't admit it, never ever ever, because she has pride, goddamn it, but she's so freaking scared and she doesn't even know why because she's not afraid of Zelena, never was she afraid of witches, but the whole situation is shaking her down and making her remind herself to breathe)

Her sofa is large and comfortable and her feet are tucked under her body, the book she picked up to try and distract herself already discarded at the other end of the middle cushion. So she plays with her fingers. And waits looking at her black TV screen.

She hears the cars stopping outside. Her heart beats faster, so she untucks her feet and stands, puts her book on her coffee table and pats barefeet towards the mirror beside her front door. She checks her reflection, tucks her ponytail to make sure it is firm and high and nit. She pretends not to notice the faint turbidness of the protection spell placed in the mirror and hopes _she_ doesn't notice. She knows she will.

Her buzzer goes off and she presses the button, lets them in. She has a couple of moments before they reach her door, so she rushes once more to the couch and puts her flats back on. She barely has them settled and comfortable when her doorbell rings. Deep breath. In and out. Repeat. She walks back to the door and opens it.

They wait for her outside and she wonders if she should smile, but Regina has this tension on her lips, these big brown confused eyes and the woman she has a hand loosely wrapped around the wrist of has a similar expression. So she doesn’t smile. Motions for them to get inside instead. And the thief and princess and prince follow. Even Belle is there to be allowed in.

“Everything has been explained on the way.” Charming says and puts a hand on the redhead’s shoulder, presses her forward, in her own direction and she holds her breath, strains her gaze to stay at the woman’s thoughtful one. Not to wander downwards, to where the life almost lost because of her lies, not to waver into the slippery and hot and lonely road that already led her to this current situation. And thankfully David had touched the undamaged shoulder. Because the woman struggles his hold off in quick, circular movements.

“We’ll check on you again today and tomorrow morning.”

And she nods, crosses her arms. Looks away because she doesn't know how to act. It was a stupid plan, a stupid suggestion. But she won't back down now. Can't do it.

“Alright then. We'll let you settle down.” The blond man says and guides his wife from the apartment.

Honestly? That's _it_?

She expected more. Expected words of her guest’s awfulness. Expected more untrusty looks. The only one glaring at her, however, is the guest herself.

“One more thing before we go. Your hands.” Regina speaks and the scowl is still firmly on her face.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not risking her using you to take her wristband off.”

And she extends her arms dutifully because they will only be two more enchanted things in an apartment filled with them.

“Behave.” Regina remarks on Zelena’s ear when she passes by.

“Of course, mother.”

So the brunette leaves and then there’s Robin and Belle and Belle walks to her, frames her face with her hands, looks her in the eyes “Are you sure?”

And she smiles at her, rests her own hands atop the ones that hold her in place and “I’ll be fine.”

So Belle, a patient that became a friend, nods, looks at Zelena, a warning, a _if you do anything_ laying clearly on the surface, and then is gone too.

And then there’s Robin and “Any problem with the baby…”

“Call the hospital and you, yeah.”

The man looks at the pregnant woman, shifts and scratches his beard when she turns away slightly. He leaves. And then is just them and a big empty apartment.

And. Uhm. Yeah.

( _fucking stupid idea_ )

“Have you eaten?” She tries and the woman turns to her, a slow smirk taking over her lips.

“What's your plan?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Your plan. You must want my help in something to offer your home.”

Sometimes she forgets it. How a second chance is not a clean cut, how the road is bumpy and hard and unconsciously hurtful.

“Sorry to disappoint you. But there is no plan. You weren't safe because of me.  It was the least I could do.”

“Aren't you afraid, then? I’m _the wicked witch_.” She tries to say the last sentence like it is a delicious treat. She doesn't quite achieve it.

“Somehow I don’t think I need to be.” She chuckles a bit and watches as Zelena’s smirk slowly fades and her eyes take on this _look_. “Again, have you eaten?”

The _wicked witch_ shakes her head, pulls at the hem of her sweater.

“No, actually. I haven’t.”

She goes to the kitchen and the woman stays where she is. “Why don’t you sit here. We can chat while I cook us something.”

And she does. But they stay silent.

* * *

 

“Could you not- Not treat me like some delicate thing? I’m not-” They cross gazes and she pauses, takes a deep breath. “Just, don’t, ok? Treat me like anyone else. If not worse.”

“Fine.”

They settle on silence again and the only thing that prevents it from being unbearable is the soft clink of cookware. When it stops suddenly, Zelena looks up from her nails. Her host is looking at her, a frown on her face.

“I never told you my name, did I?”

“No.” She realizes. “You didn’t.”

“Well, I’m Jessica. Call me Jess.” She, Jessica, smiles, and turns back to her task. And who is this person? That saves her life, her baby’s. Welcomes her into her home and her life and seems so _genuinely_ good and doesn’t look at her with fear or hate or anything bad and is just… _different_.

“How will this work? For you, I mean? Because for _me_ , well… It won’t change much. Just more space to be alone.”

“That’s the thing. You won’t be.” The kitchen starts to smell of something good and spicy and her stomach grumbles. She rubs it and notices the small bump there, she’s out of her first trimester and they say everything changes faster after that. She looks forward to it. A plate is placed in front of her, a beautiful omelet dotted with what looks like oregano and tomatoes and cheese and steaming baby carrots on the side. The woman is quick. Zelena arches an eyebrow. (She’s not sure if it is for the statement or the efficiency).”I mean for this to be a second chance. I can't well try and help you and just leave you be.”

She smiles, amused. “I didn't _ask_ for a second chance. Don't want one.”

And it’s time for Jessica to smile. “You… want to turn things around, don't you? For your kid?”

Her hand presses flat against her stomach.

“Yes.”

“You want a second chance and don't even realize it.”

She looks down, picks up her fork. Takes a bite from the omelet.

Second chance, uhm?

“And as for me… I don't usually take more than one shift at the hospital, so I’ll be here often.”

She nods. Keeps eating and the food is good, but the cup of water beside her plate is emptied quickly.

“So, what’s your story?” She asks later when Jessica is rinsing the dishes and she's still sitting at the same place. “Regina clearly doesn't know you have magic, otherwise she would never have agreed to this.”

Jessica doesn't stop cleaning the plates, but doesn't respond right away either.

“She doesn't.”

“I could tell her, you know.”

“You won't.”

“How are you sure?”

“If you do, then you can kiss goodbye to this apartment and hello to your cell.”

The water hitting the sink fills the air.

“How about we settle on a few rules?” The woman shuts off the faucet and reaches for a dishcloth. “First one is that the past stays in the past. It doesn't matter anymore. We don't talk about it unless there is no other way around it.”

Somehow she feels neither will keep that rule.

“Second one is that you can break and let your rage out and do whatever you want with everything in this apartment. Except two things. The cup on the top bookshelf and the book to the left of it.”

She  turns slightly to look at the things even though the woman herself doesn't. The cup is colorful and seems handmade, something that a kid would create during an art class. The book beside it is thick and big and brown with golden carvings. It reminds her of the books she used to see in Oz, in the middle of the wizard’s things, or in the Enchanted Forest, laid open on her sister’s lap while she read to Snow White. It is beautiful and old and she feels the tickling urge to pick it up and tell the stories that it must guard to her child.

“Alright.” She mumbles.

“Third one.” Jessica sighs, puts the clean dishes away and turns to her, a forced smile on her face. “No lies. Never. We trust each other. I’m trusting you not to try anything stupid and you trust me not to do you or your baby any harm.”

Zelena looks at her and feels bubbles in her stomach. She doesn’t know the woman and she could so easily destroy her, use her naivety and get the hell away with her baby. But she’s so _tired_ and there is something in the woman’s eyes that lull her, that remind her of being a child and her mother braiding her hair and humming to her. So she nods. Jessica’s smile diminishes, but becomes truer.

A second chance.

* * *

 

            The gut turning fear slowly fades as the days go by. They settle on this weird routine where they don’t talk much, but eat together and watch TV together and there is one day that she is walking home and passes by the bookstore. She doesn’t really think about what she’s doing until Zelena has an arched eyebrow, a balled up plastic bag in one hand and a “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” copy in the other. She offers to change it. The readhead grips the book tighter, plops down on the couch and opens the first page.

            She manages to keep the nightmares under control for a while. But she wakes up screaming one night and waits for the movement outside. None comes, so she stands from her bed and goes for a drink of water. She is trying to breath through her nose when she hears it, the retching coming from the bathroom.

            She goes there, her glass almost empty, but not abandoned.

            Zelena leans over the toilet bowl, both hands on its frame, holding her head out of the liquid that stinks the place. She should help. But the woman has tears rushing down her cheeks and they don’t do _that_. The touching, the physical help. Not since the woman was out of the hospital and into her home.

            So she goes with “You look a bit green.”

            Zelena startles, a hand urgently reaches her neck, her eyes wide and shit shit shit shit she always forgets it, always puts her foot in her mouth.

            “Oh God, not like that.” She goes forward, extends a hand because what else is there to do? Zelena sighs, ignores her hand and tries to stand. She’s back to her knees, dry-heaving in the next second. She backs away from the toilet and falls on her behind a couple of minutes later. “I’m  going to fetch you some water.”

            And barfing is so exhausting that she gives in, nods.

            She comes back to the woman brushing her teeth. She hands her the cup (not the same one she had been carrying, she assures her) and sits on the floor outside the bathroom. For what, she isn’t sure.

            “Is it normal? To be sick in this stage of the pregnancy?” She turns her head when the hoarse voice hits her ears.

            “It can happen.”

            There’s this awkward moment where she looks ahead and Zelena stands beside her. But then the woman moves to the couch and she does, too.

            “I heard the screaming.”

            She closes her eyes. “Sorry.”

            “I have them sometimes, too.”

            It is an odd thing to say, to admit things, but she had asked for trusting and was trying to redeem herself and help with the second chance thing, so she looks at the woman (and she does not look back) and chuckles bitterly.

            “My brother was reaching for me.”

            “You have a brother?”

            “Not anymore.”

            “Sorry.”

            “Yeah.”

            “My baby was dying.”

            “It isn't.”

            “I don’t want to lose it.”

            “You won’t.”

            “Regina will take it. Like she always does with things that are mine, like she will always do and-”

            “Enough.”

Zelena looks at her, frowns, stands up.

“You won’t lose it _if_ you let things go.”

“Good night.”

* * *

 

            Her stomach curves more each passing day, and she only notices how different it really is when she is watching Downton Abbey and stays with an ice cream spoon too long on the way to her mouth while paying attention to the scene and the melting food drops right on the strip of flesh left exposed by the white cotton of her tank top and her flannel shorts. She drops the spoon back to the bowl and uses the tip of her finger to clean the mess. Of course she licks the sweetness off and smiles down at her belly. She rubs it, “How are you, munchkin? Uhm?”

She imagines every day how her baby will look like, if it is a boy, with deep dimples and pouty mouth, or a girl, with loud giggles and ginger hair. She so desperately  wishes to hold it, whatever it is, to hold it and kiss its soft perfect skin, the skin she created.  She wants to be happy. She wanted to destroy her sister. But she wants to be happy, forget everything, just hold her child and teach it about magic and a place far far away called Oz.

She wants a home, wants somewhere safe.

“Is this home, baby?” She mumbles. The apartment is alright, big enough, comfortable enough. And Jessica is okay too. Reserved, messy, laughing at one point and somber at the next. But she's not bad and she doesn't let David get too far up her arse during the visits.

She should get ready, has an appointment in a while and it’ll be her first time out and she should look presentable.

Regina had brought clothes for her on her fourth day in this place and she had come alone, had handled the paper bag to Jessica and hadn’t talked to Zelena. She’d said something to the nurse, something that got a sneaky response and made both chuckle and Regina had frowned, confused and Jessica had looked away and clutched the bag and there was just this _air_ around them and Zelena felt something hot and twisty and it threw her right back to Rumple and

_So Regina?_

_Has the job._

She’d cleared her throat. Regina had snapped her head towards her, had run her eyes through her, stopped momentarily in her stomach. She had left. Jessica had put the bag by her feet. Walked away.

Zelena continued to see green.

So she stands and goes to the bathroom. She likes the water hot, burning really, and the first time she took a shower Jessica had sighed and puffed and said it wasn’t good for the baby. So she likes the burning water hitting her skin, making it pink and raw, but she takes her showers colder now.

She is alone, so she takes her time and stays under the spray, her face upward, her eyes closed. It reminds her of when the little one was conceived. When she was desperate and lonely and just missing _something_. When Robin was taking his shower where she knew he thought of her sister. When she had snuck in and kissed his shoulders and wrapped her hand around him and he had mumbled _Marian_ (she wanted to gag, every time he called her  that, but she never did because it was her plan and it meant it was working) and turned around, pushed her against the cold tile and it’d been hot and hard and she had closed her eyes, pretended that it wasn’t him and she was herself and it was just someone _wanting_ her.

She finishes putting on her shoes just as Jessica, Regina and Robin walk through the door.

“We’re late.” Her sister tells her and and looks away when she stands. The fabric of the green dress is soft and the bump is evident in it. She manages a smirk she thinks she pulls off alright.

They drive to the hospital and no one talks. What’s the point, anyway? They climb out and Regina raises her hand to hold her arm but she pulls back, chooses to lace her fingers with Robin’s instead and the man kisses her temple. Zelena walks ahead. She waits for them to catch up on the front desk and her indifferent façade is on and perfect but there is this little girl in a wheelchair staring at her with wide eyes and shaking hands and she wants to go back to the apartment so bad. The girl looks away only when the sliding doors of the entrance finally open and the shaking stops. A big smile takes over her face and “Jess!”

Jessica walks to her and crouches down. Gives the kid a hug and their eyes meet over the small shoulders. Jessica smiles, like _everything will be okay_. Zelena looks down.

Regina stops in front of her, an eyebrow arched and she rolls her eyes, but goes with them to the ultrason room. Jessica does not follow.

When everything is done and they are waiting for the blood results (because they are finding out the gender today, Robin had decided) Regina is looking at her oddly. With hurt and  a frown and she swears she doesn’t know why.

“Can’t you stop? I _get it Zelena_.” Her voice is low and mad and dangerous. She follows the brunette’s gaze and, well, oops? She notices where her hand lies and how her thumb traces the swell they are all there to check on. It’s become so usual to her, to touch it. She does it at night, before she sleeps, on the afternoon, when she reads, in the morning, when she has her breakfast.

She takes her hand away, drops it at her crossed leg.

“Sorry sis.”

Her younger sister shakes her head, lets her eyes drop to the floor, releases a hot and watery breath. “Call me when they come back.”

Robin calls out for her, but the woman walks away, a hand rubbing her forehead.

“God, I hate you.” He crosses his arms when he sits back down.

( _Good morning beautiful_

_We’re having a baby?_

_I love you)_

“Join the club.”

Whale turns the corner ten minutes later. Robin stands, shakes the man’s hand. Zelena stays where she is.

“Seems you’ll have to find a pink bow.” He says to him, smiling. Zelena’s breath catches.

* * *

 

            She’s always loved her job. During the curse. After the curse. But sometimes, when something like _this_ happens, she hates it. She wishes she didn’t know how to save a life.

            (“ _Jessica, car crash, hitter and victim coming in, let’s go.”)_

            She opens the door to the apartment, it’s early, but she’s been alone for so long that she forgets to be quiet. She drops her purse on the coffee table and goes to the cabinet where amber liquids shine back to her. ( _“She’s crashing! Get me a defibrillator!”)_ She starts to take the bottles out, puts them on the floor beside her feet and when that is done, she takes them all to the sink.

            ( _“I’m calling it. Time of death: 9:34 PM.”)_

            “Can’t you ever be quiet? It’s 7 AM.” She looks back to see Zelena walking out of her room. She mumbles an apology, but she needs to get rid of the alcohol first. “Hey, are you alright?”

            ( _“What’s this smell?”_

_“Booze. He’s drunk.”)_

            “Yeah, sure, just… just throwing this out. You don’t mind, do you? Hell, of course you don’t mind. You can’t drink it.”

            She manages two bottles. And she’s shaking. When did she start shaking so bad? It doesn’t matter. She has four more bottles to go and Zelena catches her wrist and makes everything that much harder.

            “Stop.”

            “I’m almost done.”

            (“ _He’s stable for now.”_

_“Who’s telling the parents?”_

_“His?”_

_“No, Whale. The little girl’s.”)_

            “Jess, what is it?”

            “Nothing, I’m fine.” She smiles, pulls her arm, tries to break free.

            “No lying, remember?”

            Zelena is looking at her, steady, and she’s never done that before, never touched her or stood so close and she’s so tired, and she’s seen a child, _another_ child, die and she  just wants to cry and she thinks Zelena might care. And even if she doesn’t, Jessica doesn’t think she can breathe with all these words in.

            So she stops. Swallows. Lets the bottle go.

            “What happened?”

            “There was this accident. A drunk driver hit a little girl.”

            Zelena stays quiet, but lets go, backs away a step and sits on the floor when she does.

            “She was four. She died. He didn’t.”

            Both of them are silent and the early morning sun shines on the wooden floor and gives everything an orange glow.

( _“Why was she out alone so late?”_

_“Her cat had run out, she was trying to find it.”)_

            “Do you ever feel like giving up?”

            “Give up on what?”

            “Living.”

            Zelena chuckles, a hand on her stomach.

“Yeah.”

            “I never do, though.”

“I did.”

            “What?”

            “Well, I am. I’m _trying_ to give up on living like I used to. My little girl deserves more.”

 “You’re having a girl?” She turns her head, looks at the redhead and there’s a small smile there when she nods. “Remember that thing I said? About forgetting the past?”

“Yes?”

“That’s bullshit.”

“I figured.”

There’s a pause. They chuckle and the air clears and they’ve been living together for a month already and she feels more comfortable around the woman than she should, than she thought she would. They are closed off. Never really talk that much. But there are _times_ , like the one they are living at the moment, when one reaches out and the other accepts and they both feel this _string_ being formed. It’s odd, but for the first time in forever she doesn’t fight it.

She rubs her eyes with her sweater-clad wrists, probably looks like a panda judging by the black wet marks that she sees on the white fabric when she pulls her hands away.

“Ugh, I’m a mess.”

And she means it on so many levels that she doesn’t even try to move because there was an accident and she had made a phone call and _“Jess! Long time, no see girl!”_ and _“How’s Tom?”_ and _“His wife just gave birth a few days ago, a little boy.”_

“We all are.” Zelena whispers and takes her back to the present. She looks up to the bookshelf, to the cup and she takes deep breaths through her nose. She sighs, rests her head against the closet where they lean their backs. There’s a movement beside her and then a hand in hers.

They don’t talk about it.

* * *

 

Her cravings start halfway through her fifth month. She’s laying on the couch, a hand resting on her bump and the remote clutched at the other, softly resting on the floor as her arm hangs from the side of the furniture. She’s watching one of those singing shows’ marathons and it’s during a commercial that she sees it, round, crispy, golden onion rings. And her stomach just grumbles and her eyes simply go wide. She sits up and considers her options. She knows that there are onions in the kitchen and she could probably get a decent recipe from the internet but just the thought of doing it already has her shoulders sagging. She could work an oven just fine but she never got the hang of the whole frying thing.

She could also wake Jessica up. The woman had been sleeping since she’d gotten home from work hours before and she didn’t have a shift the next morning. It was way easier. And they could share it. Talk crap about the awful singers. (She doesn’t allow herself to dwell too long on it, but she likes the woman, finds herself longing for the days where she works nights and gets to spend the day at the apartment.)

With her decision made, she stands up and hurries to the closed door. She knocks lightly and hears the rustling of sheets on the other side and she thinks she succeeded and her roommate is up. So she opens the door and “Hey, what do you-” but she stops when she sees Jessica still asleep, her hands clutching the covers, her head turning side to side, her breathing fast and uneven. She frowns but she remembers. _Nightmares_. So she goes forward, leans over the woman and holds her shoulders, shakes them slightly and Jess wakes startled, eyes big and quickly tearing up. When her gaze focuses, she sits up in a rush, moves away from her touch.

“Sorry, you just- I thought-”

“It’s fine. Just. It’s alright.” Jessica controls her breath, swallows. “Did you need something?”

“I saw these onion rings on the TV. I was thinking we could order some.” Why the hell does she feel shy about it? Why the hell does she avert her gaze?

“Uhm, sure, I’ll call Granny’s.”

“Thanks.” She turns around, rushes a bit because she hears the show coming back, but first “Do you still get them a lot?”

Jessica looks at her with shifting eyes.

“Yes. Do you?”

She shakes her head before she even opens her mouth.

“No.”

Jessica nods, looks out the window  opposite to her bed.

“Let me make that call for you.”

She goes back to the living room and squints when the awful version of a song she actually _likes_ (but never remembers the name of) hits her ears.

Forty minutes and many bad singers later she’s taking the last of her delicious treat to her mouth when a cushion hits the side of her head.

“Hey!” She looks sharply to her side, to the woman at the other end of the sofa with a smile on her face and glinting hazel gaze.

“Thank you.” Jessica says and Zelena’s stomach turns for a whole different reason.

She shakes her head, a smirk coming up unwillingly. She looks back at the TV and eats what her baby craves.


	2. Chapter 2

Her nightmares usually grow simpler and lighter as the time goes by. But it’s been two months already and she still gets them more often than not. Sometimes they are about Tom. Sometimes they are about little girls dying and grieving and brown eyes losing their light. But they always have her heart racing and her hands clutching and her throat egger to scream. She doesn’t. She’s learned to force herself to wake up. To throw her body forward and sit up in her bed and situate herself.

This time, however, she wakes up by the ring of the door bell. She doesn’t have time to quite brush what it is she dreamt of before she gets up, into her robe and to the living room. Zelena doesn’t answer the door. The _heroes_ orders.

The woman is nowhere to be found when she runs her eyes through the space while making her way to the door. The doorbell rings again just as she puts her hand on the knob.

“Regina, hey.” She breaths.

( _“Who are you, girl?”_

_“Where am I?”_

_“You are quite powerful.”_

_“Where am I?!”)_

“Are you alright? You seem agitated.” The woman asks while she lets her in.

“I’m fine. How can I help you?”

“I’d like to talk to my sister.” Both know that it isn’t a request as much as it is a statement.

“She’s probably in her room.” Jessica goes to her bathroom because she doesn’t want to hear the conversation accidently and because she needs to find her ground, needs to stop having flashbacks and needs to return her heartbeat to its normal rate. And with Regina around, that won’t happen.

She splashes cold water on her face, rubs it until her cheeks are flushed and drops fall from her chin and nose. Brushing her teeth comes next and she ignores the pic of voices she hears every now and again. When she’s done, there’s nothing else she can do, so she looks around, leans on the sink and her body is back to normal, but the flashes still haunt her, so she spots her sneakers and it clicks in her mind.

She rushes to her room, ignoring the fact that the voices stop hastily  when they hear the door opening. She makes fast work on her clothes and her shoes, grabs her phone, her earbuds and a wool hood. It’s warmer this time of the year, but she’s always been colder, always felt shivers running down her spine when most people would wear flowing dresses and shorts.

She doesn’t blink once before she’s out of the apartment.

And it does her good, running. The steadiness of her feet hitting the pavement, the rhythm of the song matching the bump of her heart and seeing the town, even though not doing much to erase the image she wants to forget, makes her think of the good times. When soft laughter and birds singing and blond curly hair was all she could think of, when the days where a little brighter than what she was used to and a child’s cheerful singing and a faint click clack of heels hitting the stone were enough to create her a home.

She only slows down when she sees Granny’s a couple of blocks away and decides that a cup of coffee could be nice.

“Can I get the usual, please?” Granny smiles at her, nods, turns away but “And onion rings? To go.”

At that the woman rolls her eyes, but says nothing. A good improvement from the scolding she’d received the first time she’d ordered the food.

“I always thought you were odd, but never took you for stupid.”

She turns around and “Oh dear Lord.”

Tinkerbell stands behind her, arms crossed, lips in a tight line.

“What were you _thinking_? She’s dangerous, Jess.”

“So are most people in this town.”

“Most people in this town haven’t tried to open a portal in time, kidnapped a baby, killed, deceived someone in such a… a…. horrible way.”

“Oh, so you let Gold run around free, Regina, Maleficent, everyone, and she doesn’t get a chance?” She frowns, a grimace appearing and her back is to the fairy long enough to pay her orders and take a sip from the steaming hot coffee.

“They are different. They _changed_ Jess. She’s carrying the proof that she’s not worthy.”

“How can you be such a hypocrite?” Tink looks as if she’s been slapped. Jessica contains herself not to do so. Maybe going out of the apartment wasn’t such a good idea after all. “You know why they changed? Because someone gave them a reason to. When we met you had a broken wing and a shitty speech about hope never completely dying. What the hell happened to that?”

“Nothing! But I don’t want you to get hurt. You are one of the good guys. She’s not.”

“You don’t know her.”

“And you do?”

She shakes her head, looks at her cup.

“It’s _my_ life Tinkerbell, I decide when to risk it and this is not it.”

Her living room is quiet and peaceful when she finally gets home. But peace is not something she trusts much, so she looks for Zelena, just in case.

The woman is sitting in her bed, a piece of paper on the floor. Zelena stares at it.

“I brought snacks.” She tries and blue eyes meet hers and are those tears? “Hey, what’s up?”

Zelena doesn’t respond, but reaches for the paperbag.

Jessica peeks at the paper on the floor and it’s an ultrason, the outline of the baby perfectly visible. She picks it up, puts it beside the woman and walks back the way she came.

“What I did to him-” The voice that hits her is shaky and Jessica doesn’t know if that is good or bad. If Zelena finally breaking means moving on or rotting in place.

“Was wrong in so many ways.” She says and Zelena hiccups. “You can’t excuse it or make up for it. But it is nothing Regina can throw at your face without throwing a similar case at her own.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Nevermind.”

“He’ll never love her the way he loves Roland. Not the way she came to life, not the way- oh God what have I done?”

She frowns, but crouches down in front of the woman.

( _“This can’t be happening, please, please, please, no, it’s my fault, my fault” Tears run down her face and the blood dints her clothes when she pulls the body to her, kissing the head that lolls back and forth. “What have I done.”_

_Jessica watches, her own hands sticky with drying blood.)_

“The way she was created was wrong. A mistake. But she isn’t one, she’ll never be. Not to you, not to him. You _have_ to remember that.”

“I tried so hard to get Regina to hate me, and I finally managed.” She smiles, a watery thing, and when Jessica touches her hand, it falls. “Why do you care? Why do you try? No one else seems to want to.”

“I don’t know.” She sighs. Zelena looks at her.

“You shouldn’t, you know? _Wicked always wins_.”

And it is such a sad, sad saying, that Jessica pulls them both up and hugs the woman. It’s uncomfortable, odd, new, alright, warm.

“You’re sweaty.”

She nods.

Birds sing.

* * *

 

_The wind rushes through her face and the raindrops hit her skin like sharp little knives. She's running. Fast. Towards a sound far away, a silhouette that is nothing but a blur in her vision. But the sound, a baby cry, strikes her heart, pulls it apart, so she has to get to the source, has to hold the source close, shush it until it stops crying._

_She gets to it. And the rain doesn't touch them._ _The ground where they stand is green and sun shines on them and the baby is not really crying, the baby is laughing. Auburn hair and rosy cheeks with dimples that get deeper every time the person holding her makes her laugh. The person turns to her. And the soft wavy brown hair is Jess’. And the smile on the woman’s face sinks. Her eyes become angry, hateful and no no no no, she shields the child from her, covers her little eyes and “What are you doing here?” and “Go away!”_

_She feels herself being pulled back by soft blue magic and “My baby!” she cries and reaches and the child really is crying then, the rain starts to pour on them, the sun stops shining and everything is falling apart “Everything you touch, rots.” Jessica's voice rings, stings and her tears burn, burn her flesh and she screams and-_

She wakes startled. She is hyperventilating and everything is fuzzy. She looks to the side, to where the thing that had woken her came from. She almost screams when she sees someone’s outline by the door. It’s not Jess. It’s a man and there's a gun and she knows who it is.

“How did you get in?”

“Clever little thing that nurse, uhm? Didn't think I would find you in such an ordinary place.”

“Took you three months to find me, I would say clever indeed.” She tries to be strong, to be fearless (she isn't, her hand is on her swollen stomach already and her girl is moving relentlessly, sitting on her bladder like never before and with her luck she might just pee her pants) and the man’s smirk falls. He walks closer, sits on the bed, puts a hand on her calf, the gun resting on his lap.

“And I bet you thought you were rid of me.” His thumb starts to stroke her skin and she feels sick, wants to barf in his face, but the vomit doesn't come and she stays quiet. “But you see, my son meant more to me than my life, so if I have to spend what's left of it tracking you down, then be it.”

He says it with ease, peace and what she once took as pain and grieve is now presented her as a big ball of hatred and darkness and he may just kill her. She pulls her leg away and he arches an eyebrow, lunches forward, gets a handful of her hair and she yelps. (Jess is asleep in the other room, had taken the day off so they could buy maternity clothes and she could just scream, the woman would be fast like she was the first time. But maybe she wouldn't be and gun that is pressed against her bump would fire again and then what motive would she have for the damn second chance?)

He forces her to stand.

“Let’s take a walk.”

He leads her out of the bedroom, past the living room and he opens the front door and pushes her forward and the protection spell pushes her back, hard. A blasting noise starts to sound and that is his flaw, that is the difference between what he is and what she once was. He has no knowledge of magic. Is nothing more than a peasant.

Her body crashes into his and she manages to balance herself before she falls. He can’t do the same, goes down to the ground and he still has his fingers knotted in her hair, and she screams when he rips a part of it while falling.

She manages to distance herself, one, two, three steps.

“Shit.” He mumbles, gets up, points the gun at her again and his eyes are vicious (she wonders how many times she’d portrayed the same expression). “What was that?”

“I can’t leave the apartment.” She says and from where she stands she can see Jessica’s door. And it opens soundlessly, the woman walking out with dark eyes and set jaw. They lock gazes and was the man as smart as he was committed, he would have noticed that.

“Find a way. I want to do this where everyone can see.” He smiles. She shivers. And Jessica starts to approach him from behind and Zelena wants to scream at her to stay away. It isn’t safe, it isn’t fair, it’s none of her business. There’s a loose floorboard though, of _fucking_ course there is a loose floorboard and that is the one she chooses to step in. Jessica ducks. Zelena stops breathing. The man turns, fires the gun. She catches the umbrella hooked on the back of the kitchen stool, swings at his head. The umbrella breaks. He falls. The gun slides away from him.

Jessica stands.

Zelena breathes.

The man is motionless and there is a moment where they think they can relax, so they do, but the man had fallen beside the side table, taken hold of the lamp’s cord and he turns, and throws it at her. It hits her square in the chest. And she looses her footing and falls and the air is out of her lungs. Her back starts to ache and her vision is blurry and there’s a scream of her name, fast movements (the noise started by the spell hasn’t stopped and her head feels like it might split apart). There are people by the open door, neighbours woken by the noise, but none come in. She turns her head, squints to focus and she sees the man’s legs shaking, a form crouched over him, the form itself shaking too. Jess. It’s Jess.

The man stops shaking. The form doesn’t and she knows that all too well. So she forces herself to sit, and she knows she can’t stand, can’t risk to fall again because it may hurt the baby, well, if it hasn’t already. But Jess hasn’t let go and the man is dead and the woman is shaking, so she crawls to her, puts her hands around the woman’s ones, still curled, still vibrating magic that strangled the man.

“Let go.” She whispers. And the woman has tears falling from her eyes, doesn’t look away from the man’s wide ones. “He’s gone Jess. Let go.” She wants to cry too. Because everything is fucked up and twisted and everything she touches rots. “Please, _please_ let go. Jessica.” She pulls the woman’s hands and the hazel gaze snaps, finds her own and she seems surprised, like coming up for air after too long under water. She pulls at the hands again and Jessica moves, they slide backwards, away from the man but she is still shaking, they both are. They lean against the wall, their sides touching and she can’t hold on anymore, she can’t, she can’t. So her head falls, leans on Jessica’s shoulders. And she hugs her stomach, closes her eyes. Her back still aches, her vision is blurry on the edges and she doesn’t breathe because if she does, sobs will come out and there are far too many people and Jessica looks far too fragile for her to cry too.

* * *

 

_Dear God what has she done?_

Her hands are shaking and the tears are too much to handle. Zelena had fallen and she'd seen black and magic had poured out of her and it was dark, dark magic. Magic that burned as it slid through her veins. Magic that took a life.

_What has she done?_

There are loud voices from the corridor but her eyes are fixed on the man in front of her. The corpse. Someone that will never be again.

Her eyes snap to the door when a group of people barge in. And sobs start to form in her chest as she sees black raven hair and a worried and confused expression.

( _She rubs the little back as it coughs, holds the bucket in front of the opened, red-stained mouth. “Let it all out sweetie, let it all out.”_

_“Gina.” It's a mumble that breaks her heart. It's weak and pain filled and not fit for such a beautiful soul._

_“She's coming baby.”_

_She hopes she's right.)_

Everyone starts to move around them and Regina crouches by Zelena, speaks to Jessica in a whisper and

“How the fuck did this happen?” Regina is looking at her and gets mad, Zelena scoops closer to her. “I’m talking to you!” She raises her voice and Jessica flinches.

( _“Why didn't you do something?! You could've stopped this!”_

_“I tried.” She sobs and she looks at her red hands and feels the power running through them and she's useless. Plainly useless.)_

“I’m sorry.” She says and the tears keep on falling and everything hurts and Zelena could’ve died. She could’ve died. “I’m sorry.”

“What did you do?” David asks and he is checking for a pulse, she knows he finds none. His question is not for her.

“He wanted to _kill_ me.” Zelena says.

“So you killed him first.” Snow nods, not judging.

The redhead hesitates. She feels her gaze on her. And feels everyone else's too. And it is too much. The man still has his eyes open. And Zelena leans heavily into her, probably still dizzy. And she clutches her stomach, her baby girl and the room is crumbling into her, closing her in, and she needs out. She needs out because energy is bubbling in her belly and it’s unstable and can explode at any moment. She was never good under pressure.

She stands, her hands sweaty, her eyes still producing tears and Regina gets in front of her, dares her to walk by and her hands start to shake and she just wants out. She just wants to _breathe_ and forget this ever happened and Zelena is trying to stand slowly, Snow moves carefully, suspiciously to help her.

“She needs to be checked out.” She mumbles, steps sideways and Regina follows her movements. “Please.” She cries and she’s weak, thinks she’s always been weak. Regina frowns and looks down and when she does, too, she sees a blue glow around her shaking, sweaty hands. She closes them, tries to walk around the woman one more time and she can’t even look her in the eye. Not anymore, not ever really, not even when she forced herself to.

“Who are you?

(“ _Who are you, girl?_ )

“Please.”

Regina reaches for her hand and she snaps. A blast occurs when their skin touch. The woman is thrown across the room, hits the bookshelf and things fall out. She hears something hitting the floor, breaking. She sees the pieces of clay around Regina, the book that fell on her lap. And she tries something she hasn’t in a long, long time. She’s done so much damage today, what difference does one last blow make?

Warm, thick smoke involves her. When she opens her eyes, she’s someplace else.

She doesn’t stop crying. 

* * *

“Everything seems to be in order. I am concerned about your back, though. Are you in any pain?” Whale asks, taking the ultrasom machine away and she pulls her shirt down.

She shakes her head, her eyes fixed on her sister’s form by the door.

“Alright, I would like to keep you overnight for observation, however, just to be sure.” He smiles, clueless, and turns his gaze to the clipboard where he starts to take notes. “A nurse will come get you and I’ll see you in a while.”

He walks away, Regina sending him a glare.

“You’ll have to elaborate what happened eventually.”

“Ask Jessica.”

It’s unsettling, this jealousy. It lies underneath the surface, no matter how hard she tries, it is always ready to show its green, twisting face.

“She didn’t seem to want to talk.”

“Well, since you seem so _connected_ , she may open up to you.”

Regina chuckles, walks closer.

“I don’t know her, Zelena. That’s the odd thing.”

“I’ve never seen her so distressed.”

She remembers the hug. She remembers sweaty limbs wrapping around her and squeezing and she can’t remember the last time she was hugged as herself. Can’t remember when someone cared. But the way she looked at Regina. It was a way Jessica never looked at her. It was longing and missing and how can you know someone without knowing why they feel something so deeply for a stranger?

“For how long did you know she had magic?”

“A while.”

“Zelena.”

It’s a warning and she feels shivers because Jess used the same tone of voice. Had the same glint in her eyes, a tension around her lips when she disapproved something.

“I’m done talking.”

“No, you’re not. You don’t get to decide when you stop talking.” Regina fixes her posture, crosses her arms. “Remember what we discussed? You want a chance at knowing this child? At being her mother? Then you _have_ to do as I say.”

“Regina…”

“Tell me what happened!” And she raises her voice and something breaks inside her, something cold and dangerous and it scares the shit out of her. Because there’s this constant reminder that she needs to be good and selfless to see her baby girl when the only thing she wants is to be selfish and keep everything inside where it’s safe and protected.

“I don’t know!” Her own voice cracks and tears well up in her eyes and _great_ , just _fucking_ great, that’s all she needs. “I, I, he pushed me to the door and your spell worked so she woke up and he heard her and then there was this fight and he threw something at me and I fell and when I saw it she was shaking and he was dead and I thought I knew her!” She breathes, the first few tears fall and she wipes them away angrily, can’t really look at Regina without seeing Jessica anymore. “I thought it was finally going to be alright! I thought that for the first time in forever I had someone who _cared_! And I was wrong. So there you have it.”

The air is thick. She still cries because she's never seen a plot twist so fucking drastic. Her baby moves inside her, a little feet pressing against her stomach and she lets a sob escape and puts her hand where the contact was made. Her little girl is alright. Her little princess is alright and perfect and still growing. She's shaking. But her hand is steady and warm. Jessica was a mess, Regina has yet to move, her baby is fine. She closes her eyes, ignores the drips that rush down her cheeks and  concentrates on the last fact.

* * *

 

She doesn’t know if she has ever been here before. She doesn’t know how she knew it would be here anyway. But the mind is a funny thing. Has made Regina bring it over with the curse. Has taken her here despite everything but the log being unfamiliar to her eyes.

She crouches by the end of the wood, touches the three little figures carved into it. Her hands tremble. She feels the saltiness of tears on her lips.

She’s killed someone. With her own trembling hands. She can’t stop thinking that maybe, maybe he wouldn't have done it. Maybe Zelena would have been alright. But then she remembers the sharp scream that iced her blood after the spell had been activated. And then she thinks maybe not. Maybe he would have killed her. And Zelena dead. It just isn’t an option.

There’s this cold, liquid feeling at the pit of her belly, something that reminds her of fear, but deeper, something irracional. He had threw something at Zelena and Zelena fell and she’d stopped thinking.

She’s killed someone.

“What’s happening?”

She mumbles and no one answers her, no one hears her, but she hasn’t talked to the person lying below the log in a long time, needs the sweet voice and small sticky hands more than ever.

_“It’ll be alright, Jessy.”_

“I killed someone today, princess.”

_“Can ya sing to me, Jessy?”_

“I couldn’t control myself.”

_“What’d ya think it’s her favorite color?”_

“She could’ve died.”

_“We’re a family, right?”_

“And now I’m talking to an old log.”

She sighs, takes her hand away from the wood and stands straighter. She’s going mad. She needs to pull it together. She’s done what needed to be done. She’s done what needed to be done. She’s done what was _needed._

She’s killed someone.

Regina knows she has magic.

Zelena had leaned into her heavily.

She needs to pull it together.

Needs to go back.

Face whatever it is Regina has in store for her.

_Regina._

“Everything is done. Everything is gone. The past is not in your bone.”

She can hear the voice as it had first whispered it to her, as gentle, uncertain fingers ran through her hair.

The tears are errant now. Just shining in her eyes. And this is goodbye. Because she won’t come back here and she can’t talk to _her_ anymore, and Regina knows she has magic and, well, that’s a cruel end to a second chance. Zelena will probably go back to her cell.

She was right that day, months ago now.

Stupid stupid stupid idea.

* * *

 

“Have you found her yet?”

“We’ve been trying, but there was a situation we needed to take care of first.” Robin closes the door behind Regina, crosses his arms.

“Emma?” She wonders, looks away.

“Yes, if you must know.”

“I don’t.”

“We think it’s best that you stay here or at a cell until everything is cleared up.”

“Of course you do.”

She is unsure if she’s going home in the next hour or staying in this bloody hospital for the rest of her life.

“She’s not like us, you know?” She gazes at her sister, the woman’s stiffer posture. A dark part of her wishes the brunette’s back hurt as much as hers. ”She’s not _dangerous_ , her magic… it’s not corrupted.”

“She killed a man.” Regina states like it should mean something.

“Besides, you’ve been living with her for three months. It’s not enough time to be sure.” Robin chirps in and she arches an eyebrow. He rolls his eyes, steps back. This discussion does not concern him.

“We will talk to her,” Her little sister sighs, catches her eyes and she tries to tell her something, tries to assure her that it’ll be alright and when did they call a truce? When did hate and screams and _you were better off dead_ become sighs and locked gazes and silent assurance? She hates Regina. She does. She does. “and see how it goes from there.”

* * *

 

When she was six, her mother put the cookie jar on the middle shelf of the kitchen’s cabinet. Jessica loved cookies, so sometimes, when her parents were in a late meeting and her nanny was passed out on the couch, she used to push a chair to the counter, climb it, open the cabinet and get a cookie out of the jar.

When she did it right, she ate the cookie and if her nanny asked about the pushing of chairs, she’d say she wanted to see the flowers her mommy kept on top of the table. The first time she did it wrong, however, she lost her footing on the chair, fell, screamed and broke an arm. Her nanny was horrified, her dad worried and her mother mad. She didn’t like the pain, but she liked how free she felt during those milliseconds that she was falling. When her arm was healed and her parents were out and her nanny was watching TV, she went to the kitchen again. Got herself another cookie, and she had to really reach for the jar then, because her mother now kept it at the last shelf. She didn’t fall again, but the rush she got at doing something hidden, doing something that could lead to a few moments of freedom, that made her heart flutter.

As she sneaks in the hospital and checks the system for Mills, Zelena, she feels like a little kid again.

No one questions her while she silently walks to the number the computer had given her. It’s the middle of the night, there are few people on the corridors and she prays no one sees her walking into the room and she prays Zelena is asleep. She just wants to make sure she’s alright, just wants to make sure she exists, even if for the last time.

The little window shows the darkness of the inside, so she twists the knob and her breath catches. Regina is standing in the middle of the room, and she can’t really see her face, but she knows it’s her. She turns around, wants to run, but there’s someone standing barely a feet away from her, arms crossed, eyes hard. Robin arches an eyebrow and she does, too. She could transport herself somewhere else, but there’s this numbing feeling surrounding them. She doesn’t feel her magic anymore. _Containing spell._

“The faster we do this, the easier it’ll be.” Robin tries.

And maybe that’s true. Just like ripping a band-aid, right?

When they are in the room, the archer closes the door. The light is on now and she notices Zelena is not there.

Regina walks closer, folds and unfolds her hands. She’d like to think she’s nervous. She doesn’t know.

“What happened tonight?”

“Uhm, I.” She can’t do this. She can’t, she can’t, she can’t.

_(fucking stupid idea)_

“I lost control.”

“The dead man shows that. What _exactly_ happened?”

“I woke up because the spell activated, I went to check it and he had a gun pointed at her and I tried to get closer and fucked up.” She shoves her hand in her pockets, tries to look down but Regina locks their eyes first. “Next thing I know she’s on the ground and… and… this _thing_ just poured out of me. When Zelena pulled me away he was dead.”

The woman nods, like she understands.

“You’d never killed before, had you?”

She shakes her head, forces herself to look away because there are tears again and she misses that woman _so much_ and sometimes it was easy, when she didn’t use her magic and there were no nightmares and their lives were apart. But sometimes when she bumped into her on the street, or Henry broke his leg, or the only free stool at Granny’s was beside her, sometimes everything was freaking hard.

“Jessica?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you know me?” It’s a whisper. She snaps her eyes up. To hers. And she feels like a teenager, looking at the woman for the first time again, scared, dirty, shaking.

“I don’t.” She lies and she’s always been an awful liar.

“You do.”

“I don’t.”

“Look.” Regina sighs. “You and Zelena seem to have a _connection_ and the child she’s carrying deserves a mother who loves her. And I think you can help my sister with that.” There’s a pause, where Robin shifts and Regina gets closer and “We want you in her life, but you gotta clear things up.”

She looks between the woman and the archer, and perhaps it would be alright. Perhaps she could tell her because it’s been so long and she is good now and has a bigger family to support her, to point her on the right direction if she falls. If Jessica’s lucky, if she has just a little bit more of luck left, Regina won’t hate her and Zelena will understand and the nightmares will stop.

“I _can’t_.” It’s the last time, she tells herself that it is the last time. If they push it, she’ll say it.

“ _Please._ ”

She takes a few moments, but nods. Regina’s shoulders sag, Robin’s too.

“But I need you to take the containing down.”

Robin is back on alert, Regina frowns.

“Trust me.”

_(“It’ll look great, trust me.”_

_“Your world has some strange methods.”_

_“Efficient, though.”)_

Regina flicks her wrist. Magic rushes through her veins again.

She takes a deep breath, flicks her own wrist.

Regina closes her eyes, Robin rushes to her, when the light reflects brown eyes again, they are wet.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School has this way of sucking the very soul out of your body and returning it to you in shreds, doesn't it?

The click of the doorknob takes her away from her dozing. She blinks a few times to chase the sleepiness away. Her back gives a protest when she shifts her legs. She ignores it.

“Hey sleepyhead, time for breakfast.”

Her head turns to the door sharply, something that reminds her of relief flashing in her mind.

“Jess.”

“Got you some toasts, some milk and they only had grape jelly, which I know you don’t like, so I brought some butter too and-”

“Jess?” She tries, her voice shaking. “How are you?”

“Eat. We’ll talk later.”

The woman brings the food closer, puts it at the little table that rolls over the bed, helps her sit up and when she flinches, Jessica looks worried.

“Your back?”

“Yeah, it’s getting better, though.”

“Alright.” Jessica nods, backs away a little. “Do you want me to come back when you’re done?”

“You could stay.” She doesn’t look at her, but tries anyhow.

“Sure.”

Jess takes place on the chair beside the bed, curls her legs underneath her body, like she usually does, and she looks so at ease, so completely different from the last time she saw her that Zelena pauses with the glass of warm milk halfway to her mouth.

“What?” Jessica asks, a smile behind her voice.

She shakes her head, takes a sip from her drink and looks accusingly to the little pot with the purple jelly on it.

“I got to see the baby yesterday.” She says as she spreads the butter on the toast.

“How is she?”

“Perfect.” She smiles, bites into her food.

“Have you thought of any names yet?”

She stops. Jessica too. Because peace is not something worthy of trust and they both know that names and cribs and little clothes are not things she’s getting.

“It wouldn’t make any difference.” She can’t stop herself, so her hand rubs her stomach, caresses her baby girl.

“Even so.” She looks at the woman, pleads her to let it go, but it doesn’t happen, so she sighs, takes another bite of her toast and

“I really like Chloe.”

Jessica smiles, a sad little thing, and that alone represents her situation.

“Do you know what that means?”

She frowns. “No.”

“Little green sprout.”

She lets a breath go, nods, bites her food once more. Destiny is a bitch, innit?

“How do you know that?”

“When I was younger I was obsessed with the meaning of names. I used to have this really thick book with thousands of them and as soon as I met someone new I’d browse through it and mark their names.” 

It’s a sweet memory, one she wished she had. Something small, trivial, but worth remembering. Zelena blocked most of her childhood out.

They don’t say much more and she couldn’t be done with her breakfast soon enough. Jessica rolls the overbed table away and looks fidgy, her once calm expression slowly transforming into an anxious one.

“I need… to tell you a few things and I need you to believe me.” Jessica sits by the foot of the bed, looks at her with pleading eyes. She nods because she doesn’t really know what’s coming and because she doesn’t know if she can say no to that woman anymore.

They pause, take deep breaths and just look at one another for a few moments. Her little girl starts to shift inside her and the child must  _ feel _ the tension growing and growing.

“I was born here, in this world. In Boston, to be precise. I grew up with  _ alright _ parents and when I was 9 they had my brother. I adored him, made him little gifts on my school.” Zelena remembers the cup, the colorful, broken clay that surrounded Regina the night before. “When I was 15 my parents died in a car accident and because we didn’t have any other relatives, Tom and I were put in different foster homes.  I ran away, to find him, to do  _ something _ . I went to the house we used to live in and” Jessica chuckles, looks away. “well, fell through a fucking portal that opened on the woods behind it.”

The woman crosses her arms and Zelena frowns.

“I remember falling and the air leaving me when I hit the ground. I’d fallen at the edge of a forest and a village. There were all these screams coming from a crowd close by and it took me a while to understand what was happening.” A haunted look crosses Jessica’s eyes and Zelena reaches over, doesn’t think about it, but when the woman takes her hand and gives her a tight grin, she thinks she did good. “There were three men at the center and a woman lying on the floor. They were punching and kicking her and it just… what blew me away was that she wouldn’t react. She just laid there and smiled and told them they would pay. I was so  _ scared _ . I didn’t know where I was or what had happened to me and I just wanted everyone to  _ stop. _ I felt this thing bubbling inside me and suddenly a blast occurred and most of the people were knocked out. The woman and one of the men weren’t. And he went to hit her again and she stood. And waved her hand and well, I didn’t know that at the time, but she snapped the man’s neck.”

“The woman…?” She has a feeling and asks and Jess squeezes her hand, nods and

“Was Regina. She walked straight to me after that and I was hidden behind some bushes, at least I thought I was. I should’ve ran or something, but I couldn’t. She asked me who I was, told me I was powerful and I just kept repeating the same question.  _ Where am I? _ She sat beside me and told me to wait. And I did because everyone else was still out cold and I was scared, but not of her.” Jess pauses, swallows, looks at her to make sure she’s following. Zelena grimaces. “Her knights came soon enough and she took me into her carriage. So long story short, we went to her castle and I told her what had happened and she explained where I was. She let me stay at the place until she found a way to send me back because she  _ owed _ me.”

“My sister didn’t  _ owe _ anything to anyone. Especially after becoming Queen.” Zelena takes her hand away, throat tight at the thought of Regina showing a stranger kindness on her evilest state.

“This happened closely after the King’s death, maybe a couple of months? Snow was recently on the run, so… She wasn’t so bad back then.” Jessica stands, sighs and starts to pace the space beside the bed. “The next afternoon I discovered she sent knights back to the village to execute everyone. I found this out because I heard a child’s cry, went to check it because Lord knows I can’t leave things well enough alone and found her screaming at a soldier and a toddler hiding behind his legs. He had pitied the kid and brought her with him from the village.” Jessica stops walking and crosses her arms and uncrosses them and why the hell did she decide to tell her this story now? After everything? It makes sense, sure, to explain the connection with Regina, but why recite the whole tail? Why not just cut to the chase?

“Regina, uhm, she was going to kill her.” Jessica is nodding, that lost act where she’s not really looking anywhere and there are tears and her voice gets shifty and her whole body just exhales  _ something _ . “She didn’t want to, but she was going to. So I jumped in and told her I would take care of the kid and I don’t even remember how I convinced her or what happened to the knight. But I know I gave that dirty screaming little girl a bath and decided to stay in the Enchanted Forest. And day after day I would stay far from Regina’s chambers and her business and just take care of the girl. Because I had magic and didn’t know how to use it and all the fairytales I’d heard of were true. But there was this day, perhaps one year later, where I couldn’t find the girl, Sarah, when I woke up, and just freaked out. I looked for her everywhere until I heard giggling. I found her in Regina’s lap, playing with levitating flowers. Regina had this surprised,  _ scared _ look on her face, but after that she started seeking us more, with shaky comments and mumbles about teaching me about magic. Two years later Regina laughed more and wore colorful things and we were  _ fine _ . We became a family. She was a good leader and barely looked for Snow anymore. Another two years went by and I was twenty and Sarah was seven. Regina had to go to a ball outside the kingdom and we stayed behind because the girl was falling ill. And, uhm….”

There are a few minutes and the woman doesn’t carry on, so Zelena shifts her legs to the side of the bed, faces Jessica and calls her. She looks up and those tears that had shined have already fallen.

“Jess, what happened to the girl?”

“I don’t know. She just… started vomiting blood and getting really hot. I sent for a physician and he was useless.”

“Typical.” Zelena tries and the woman nods, walks closer and sits beside her.

“I was desperate and she was getting worse and worse and I didn’t know  _ what to do _ . Sarah kept asking for Regina and when she finally came back…. Sarah was already gone.”

“I’m sorry.”

“And I couldn’t help her and Regina just… she wasn’t herself after that. She didn’t even go back to what she was  _ before _ us, she just went cold. She didn’t talk to me, or to anyone and she picked her hunting of Snow White right back up. I had to do something, so I thought of leaving. I told her and she told me to go to Rumplestiltskin, and I did. I asked for options and that little wimp forced me to tell the whole story. He told me that if she had no memory of us, maybe she’d be herself again. He taught me a spell, I used it and it worked. No one in the kingdom remembered me or Sarah. But Regina… part of everything you know about Snow and David and, well, the Evil Queen’s reign, happened after that.”

“A spell like that… the price must’ve been too high. Rumple never told you about it, did he?”

“He did. Told me that for me to take someone’s worst memories, I’d have to relive my own. That it’d be tied to my magic.”

“The nightmares?”

“Yeah. I use my magic, I get ‘em for a while.”

“Why would you accept it? Live doomed forever?”

“It wasn’t forever. If I returned her memories, the price would be lifted. But she was the only family I had, I’d abandoned my brother, Sarah was gone, I couldn’t let Regina disappear too.”

Jessica lowers her eyes for a moment, blinks, more tears fall and Zelena reaches over, cleans them because she’s tired of crying. Tired of messed up shit and pain and the guy is dead, Jessica is there and her baby is safe.

Jessica looks at her, smiles.

“Regina remembers you now, doesn’t she?”

“You ok with that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

The woman bites her lip, looks at her with sparkling eyes and Zelena thinks about pillows being thrown and onion rings and pregnancy books and then Jessica is leaning over, kissing her cheek, hugging her and 

“You’re a good person Zelena, you just haven’t realized it yet.”

* * *

 

She shakes her keys and places the other hand on her waist while looking back. “Are you sure you don't want some help?”

A tired huff follows her question and the glare she receives causes an effort to hold back her chuckle. 

“I can climb a flight of stairs. I’m pregnant, not invalid.”

“Whale told you to take it easy.”

“Whale was also the one to discharge me.”

“Fine. Do whatever you want. But I gotta pee.”

“Classy.”

“Bite me.”

She rushes the last few steps to her door and unlocks it quickly. Her pace stops short when she sees someone sitting on her couch, book in hand.

“Regina.”

The woman looks up, seems startled.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I, I should’ve asked to… I just really needed to see this.” Regina lifts the book slightly, her knuckles white from the strength of holding the big volume.

“No, no, it’s fine. I’ve had it for over 30 years, it’s time you take care of it for a while.”

The woman grimaces, looks down at the yellowed page but snaps her head up a second later. 

“Where’s Zelena?”

“Climbing the stairs. Going at her own pace.” Her bladder squeezes painfully, and she shifts her weight. “I need to, uhm, use the bathroom, be back in a sec.”

Regina smiles, nods, looks back down.

Jessica does what she has to quickly and as she turns the tab on, she hears muffled voices. Zelena must have arrived.

She washes her hand and remembers the hospital. How odd it’d been to tell what’d happened, how natural it’d felt, to let herself be comforted. She thinks back to the kiss, to the hug, to whispered words. And she thinks back to not thinking about it, to leaning in and wrapping her arms around the woman and sighing because everything was out in the open.

She walks out rubbing her hands on her pants, a habit Regina always scolded her about, a habit that Regina catches and sends her a glare for. Zelena is in the kitchen, her back to them, a clear glass in one hand while the other leans on the counter. The water on the glass trembles slightly as the redhead takes the cup to her lips.

Jessica walks to the couch, sits at a fair distance from Regina because the woman hadn’t blamed her for taking her memories away, but hadn’t been warm and inviting either. 

“Do you remember which page she marked with the flower?” Their eyes lock and she frowns, feels her lips forming a weak smile.

“356. The duck tale.”

( _ “Why don’t we wrap it in a cloth? Put it in your truck? That way we won’t risk losing it.” Jessica smiles at the child, runs her hand throw wild golden hair. _

_ “No! I’m gonna put it with the ducky.” _

_ “Sweetie, it won’t be safe there.” Regina tries, looks down at both of them from her chair a few feet away, under the umbrella because  _ a Queen doesn’t sit on the ground _. _

_ “But there were no flowers on his pond.” The girl bites her lip and her older companion sigh. The daisy is going in the book.) _

Regina goes to said page, smiles down at the faded, wrinkled flower, the spell keeping it from falling shimmering in the light.

“I miss her.” The woman whispers and reaches a hand, squeezes the paler one that rests on Jessica’s lap.

“Me too.”

_ I missed you _ , Jessica wants to say. But she doesn’t. Because Regina doesn’t look at her and the hand is already gone when she finishes her sentence.

“The trunk is here, you know? Intact.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah. It’s kind of close to where the merry men first made camp. I can show you sometime.”

“I think… I might’ve been there already.” The woman frowns, sighs, a confused look taking place in her eyes, that finally find Jess’. But she shakes her head, turns the book’s page, seems to start to read the story, so Jessica turns her head, checks on Zelena, who’s slicing an apple on the cutting board, and goes back to the tv, turns it on, but puts the volume to a minimum. And that is it for awhile.

Zelena takes her bowl of freshly cut fruit to her room, doesn’t speak to her, or Regina, just walks and closes her bedroom door softly. Jessica is finally paying attention to a show when

“I’m not- I’m not mad. I swear I’m not but I  _ cared _ . But I would get better. It was my right to  _ know _ about her. I would have pulled myself together eventually.”

“Would you?” Her eyes don’t shift from the screen, her arms stay crossed. But her chin trembles slightly and she shuts her mouth strongly, takes a deep breath. Because as much as her missing of Regina is fresh and alive in her veins, so are the slamming doors and  _ you could’ve stopped this  _ and lonely funerals and dinners and dark brown eyes she didn’t recognize anymore. “Would you, really? Because when I told you I was leaving, you told me I should.”

“I had the  _ right _ to know about you, to choose what to do.”

“You  _ had _ chosen. And it wasn't me. It wasn't anyone. Not even yourself. How the hell would you come back from that?” She whispers and it’s harsh but she doesn’t really regret it. Because she’s mad at things she doesn’t understand again and life is a big hot mess. 

Silence is upon them again and it’s a kind that crawls under your skin and doesn’t let you breathe or move or do anything. Until someone breaks it. And Jessica is not the one who does it.

“I should go. Thanks for the book.”

And Regina closes the book, stands, gets her purse from beside her and walks to the door and

“No, wait, I’m sorry.” Jessica stands too. Because life is messy and Regina might regret what she’s done, but Regina’s still Regina. And Jessica needs her, can’t let her go again. “I’m sorry I stole her from you. I’m sorry you’re hurting and confused and I’m sorry. But Sarah died. She died and I couldn’t let you die too.”

And Regina sighs, looks into her eyes again and holds her gaze this time. She drops the things she’s holding on the side table, walks back, stops in front of her and then they are hugging and Jessica is trying very hard not to cry, because there are light and dark memories swimming around her head, and she blames Regina for a lot, but not for being angry. And she’s missed the person she’d grown to see as a sister, as a best friend.

“I missed you.” She whispers.

“I’m sorry.” Jessica says back. She tightens the embrace, closes her eyes. They pull away when a crashing sound hits their ears. She turns and sees an open bedroom door and Zelena and misty blue eyes and broken pieces of ceramic on the floor around the woman’s feet. Jessica wants to believe Zelena didn’t let go of it. That it truly slipped from her hands. But the redhead doesn’t say a thing, just lets out a huff (immensely, so immensely different from the one she’d produced while climbing the stairs) and goes back to her bedroom.

“There’s never a fucking break.” Regina whispers beside her.

She can’t even explain how true those words are.

* * *

 

She's alright with it all. She is. She is. She’s alright with Jess being from another realm and knowing her sister and giving everything up for the woman. But Jessica and Regina were hugging and talking and getting closer and what if she isn't enough? What if Regina reminds Jess of what she’s done? Of time portals and kidnappings and deceiving and soulmates? What if Jess turns on her? What if Jess starts to hate her?

It’s been awhile since she broke the bowl and she’s already heard the shuffling of a broom and whispered talks and now she hears the front door closing. And she waits. And then there’s a knock on her door. A turn of the handle. And it’s useless because she's locked her door.

“Zelena?”

She lets a breath go, finishes folding the maternity pants they’d bought before  _ that _ thing happened and she never had the chance to put away. There’s one more thing left in the bag and when she pulls it out, it’s a baby jumpsuit. Soft, small, a  _ littlest munchkin _ sewed on the front in bright yellow letters, contrasting with the white cloth that makes the rest of the tiny outfit. She hadn't bought that. Had looked at it and touched it in the store while Robin and Jessica talked to the salesgirl.

“Please, open the door.”

She opens the door. And she throws the jumpsuit at the woman’s chest

“That’s just cruel.” She mumbles and walks back to the pile of folded clothes. She picks it up, starts putting pieces away and Jessica is still on the entrance of the room, her head down. “You know, I always expected Robin to pull some crap like that. Optimistic fool, that one. Hell, I expected it from Regina even, constantly trying to  _ be the bigger person _ .” She closes her shirt drawer with a loud bang, pulls the one below it open and places the pants there. “But I never expected it from you. Not even in the beginning.” 

Her accent is thick, she knows it is, because she’s trying so hard to push the words out, to make sense of everything and still keep herself up. She turns to Jessica, folds her arms over her belly and stares down at the woman, remembers how she forced herself to look at Glinda when things had gone downhill. “I guess you and my little sister  _ are _ more alike than I’d imagine.”

“You want to think that? Be my guest. But  _ this, _ ” She lifts the white clothe, throws it at the bed. “was supposed to be a gift. Chloe’s-”

“Don’t call her that!” The stare turns into a glare and Jessica frowns.

“Your child’s first outfit. Something her  _ mother _ had picked.”

Jessica turns, walks away and she follows. Because she was never good on letting go and she feels her blood boiling. Feels her emotions spilling out. Emotions she didn’t know she had. Didn’t want to believe she was capable of portraying anymore. But Jessica had hugged Regina and the two were connected in a way they would never be and had a history together, had tales and memories and she thought she was fine with it all. She  _ had _ been fine with it all. But she had felt the urge to kill. She had felt green and wicked and had wanted to tear Regina away, to crush her heart to ashes.

(Truthfully, she’s afraid. She’s so damn afraid but she chooses anger over fear because it’s easier and hurts less)

“Why did you take me in? Was it just to be closer to her?”

Jessica doesn’t stop. Makes a beeline to the kitchen and she’s hot on her heels.

“I told you why on your first day here.”

“I don’t believe that is the truth anymore.”

“That’s your problem, isn’t it?”

“So it’s done, then? You probably already arranged for me to stay somewhere else.” Jessica doesn’t reply and starts taking out a kettle and a tea box and Zelena stops for a moment. Because what if she’s right? What if she’s not shooting in the dark for an answer and has actually hit the jackpot? “Where? Uhm? The cell? Heck, why not just throw me in with the fairies? They can help me deliver and complete the job by getting rid of me.”

She jumps when Jessica puts the mug down hard against the counter.

“Stop it!”

And she looks and looks and

“Was it any of this real? Second chances and books and hugs? Was it-” Her voice cracks and it’s always been like this with her. Up and down. Anger and vulnerability and she’s never been more open. None of the showers she used to take left her this raw.

“I  _ killed _ someone because I couldn’t risk losing you.”

Jessica turns and their eyes lock and they both look away and are they back to that first day? Strangers? How? How? How?

( _ Everything you touch, rots _ )

“How real do you think that was? How real do you think letting something so  _ dark _ , so  _ twisted _ take over me because he could’ve hurt you was?”

( _ “You’re a good person Zelena, you just haven’t realized it yet.” _ )

“No, better yet, how real was that talk in the hospital?”

“I didn't  _ lie _ .”

( _ “No lies. Never. We trust each other.” _ )

“You said you were alright with Regina knowing about me and this,  _ this  _ is not alright.” Jessica motions in her general direction like she's a mess. And she is. Always has been.

“Being alright with it and seeing it are two different things. You didn't even consider my presence.”

“This is not about you Zelena! It’s not about you! It's about me and Regina and time taking its toll on us. I can't lose her again.”

It rings in her head. That  sentence.  _ It's not about you. _ Jessica and Regina. Cora. Her dad. It’s never been about her. Robin. Her baby.  _ It's never been about her. _

She extends her hand, leans it on the breakfast island and she looks at Jessica and she wants to cry. Because it's not about her and she needs to get a hold of herself. She needs to stop the ups and downs, the greenness, the urge to crush hearts. Because she can't lose Jessica. Because she's the only one who cares. The only one who hasn't threatened to force her do anything.

“I can't lose her and I can't lose you. I never thought that was at risk. I never thought I would gain her and have to give you up.”

“It's not about me. You said it.”

“No.” Jessica sighs, gets closer and the woman is a shaker, apparently, because she's shaking now. “No, it isn't. But I can't lose you too, so maybe we should make it about you.”

_ Second chances. _

_ Second chances. _

“Why?”  _ Why can't you lose me? Why should it be about me? _

“You and Regina… you are different. She's my sister. My family. And you’re”

She doesn't finish and Zelena stops breathing, has this tug in her heart, like a line and that line pulls her closer to the other woman, makes her take a step forward.

“What am I?” She whispers, frowns, breathes hollowly.

“More.”

The hand on the island moves to the woman’s neck, pulls her that last step closer and she lays her lips on hers. They are kissing and her baby was conceived when she was lonely and desperate and missing  _ something _ . She's desperate now. She's missing something but Jessica puts a hand on her shoulder, squeezes and it's like she's found it. It's so unbelievably stupid and lovey dovey and passionate but she steps closer still to the woman, only stop because her stomach is warm and big between them. She tries her luck and takes the kiss deeper. Jessica is not stopping her.

She's not her sister and it isn't about her, but they can make it about her.

They slow down. Because she's pregnant and the bump is odd, her baby moves. They lean their foreheads together and breathe.

“I can't let her go and she wants me in your life. Do you?”

Her fingers flex on Jess’ neck. She's always been ups and downs. But this time (because she can't lose the woman) she tries going with the middle.

* * *

 

She meets with Regina outside of the apartment. Sometimes they go to Granny’s. Sometimes Jessica goes to the office. Sometimes the mansion. Sometimes the vault and these times, these times are a bit more serious, a bit more tender, because these times Jessica is a fresh set of ears, set of eyes, is a fresh brain to help go through the ideas to get Emma back. These times Regina’s shoulders are tense, her forehead frowned. These times, Jessica knows, are not about them. And sometimes, and these are the darkest and most delicate times, Jessica doesn’t show up. Sometimes she has a hard case at work and can’t seem to go where she’s supposed to, so she goes to the park and she sits on a bench and stares at the pond, sometimes filled with swans, sometimes with a single dark clad outline on the other side. Regina always finds her, though. And by the time she does, the outline is long gone. Regina doesn’t say anything, just sits beside her, and waits. Because Jessica eventually snaps out of her daze and starts to talk on her own.

“She was forty-three and pregnant and her husband beat her up so bad that she had a miscarriage. We couldn’t stop the bleeding and we lost them both.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why did you give me this job?” She turns, tears in her eyes, unwashed, never to fall because she never actually cries anymore. It makes everything too personal and she can’t handle every case if she cries.

“You are a nurturer. You always were.” Regina sighs. “I didn’t remember you at the time but the mind is-”

“A funny thing, yeah.” She turns back ahead, looks at the trees and the loose leaves and the wind. “I love it, but it’s so hard.”

“You could quit.”

“I could. But then there are good days and good patients and I never do.”

“If you decide to, there’s always a spot on the city hall.”

Jessica nods, takes a hand out of her pocket and puts her hair behind her ear.

“I need to go home.”

“Jessica.”

“What?”

“Your clothes.”

She looks down, frowns. Her sweater doesn’t cover all the blood that stains her uniform. She hadn’t changed. She hadn’t thought about it.

“Oh.”

“Can I…?” Regina asks and lifts her hand slightly.

“I guess.” It wouldn’t do, to go to the apartment covered in blood. Zelena would freak out and she doesn’t really feel like freaking out too. So Regina flicks her wrist and she blinks and then she’s dressed in jeans and a hoodie. She smiles a little at that. She’s always liked comfortable clothes. Regina, not so much. They are silent as they stand and they don't usually say good bye, so they are about to part ways when 

“She comes here sometimes.”

“Who does?” Regina tilts her head, her lips tight.

“Emma.”

“Oh.”

She looks down, back at the mayor again. Nods once and walks away.

She unlocks her door and drops her keys on the table by the entrance, side eyes Zelena, who is laying on the couch with her legs propped up by a couple of pillows, and goes to the kitchen.

“Hey, can you grab me an apple?”

“Red or green?”

“What do you think?”

That makes Jessica chuckle, even if a little, and she grabs the fruit and her beer. She hasn't had one since the drunk driver situation, but she needs something to do with her hands, wants to feel something cold and still, not the gushing warm blood.

She approaches the couch and Zelena makes to sit up, give her some space to rest, but she shakes her head, drops down on the floor and leans her back against the furniture. Extends the apple and when the woman doesn't take it, she sighs, takes a bite out of it and hands it over. Zelena smiles thankfully.

She'd found out about the habit only a week earlier. Zelena had this thing where she couldn't eat the fruit unless it was cut up or somehow imperfect.  _ “It’s unsettling, to carve my teeth into something so beautiful, something so whole.” _

It's weird but who is Jessica to judge?

“Rough day?”

“Crap day.”

She takes a swing out of the bottle.

“Wanna talk?”

“I went to the park.”

“Alright.”

Zelena knows what it means, and she always looks away but she doesn't say a thing anymore and that's progress, Jess thinks.

“I never saw the pull of it.”

“Of what?”

The redhead points to the beer in her hand.

“The smell itself is bad.”

“I like wine better, actually. But it’s nice to feel the weight of the bottle, the coolness.”

“My father loved his ale. Used to have four or seven cups before going to bed.”

Jessica tips her head back, lets it touch what’s behind it softly, Zelena’s stomach. Looks at the woman.

Soon, tentatively, fingers burry themselves in her hair and she smiles. Feels a tug deep in her belly, remembers the kiss but clutches her drink strongly instead.

“You’re nothing like him.” She whispers.

Zelena nods, bites her green apple. Jessica knows the woman doesn't believe her, but  she won't let Zelena fall, because the fingers stay on her hair and they ground them both. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw I don't have a beta, so any mistakes are my own. Also: DISCLAIMER: No character but Jessica are mine, they all belong to ABC's Once Upon A Time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this story seems to have gotten bigger than I thought it would, I’ve decided to split it in three parts. This is the last chapter of the first part, so, yeah. Thanks for hanging on ‘til now.

 

She’s four days past her due date and everyone around her is buzzing with unsettlement. Jess has not gone to work for 2 weeks now because she wants to be there when the water breaks and because the hospital has become way too much for the woman. She told her a cancer patient had died (she remembered the wheelchair little girl) and that she needed some time out.

Zelena did not complain.

Regina has been living with them since the day the baby was supposed to arrive came and went with no signs of labor.

Her sister doesn't come into her room at night, when she breaks down crying and Jess hugs her shoulders and leans her forehead on her cheek and whispers that she knows.

“I don't want her out. I don't, I don't, I don't because I won't have her anymore but I can't take being pregnant anymore either. I’m huge and tired and sore and I just want time to stop, why can't time stop. Please.”

“You’ll still be her mother. You’ll always be her mother. You’re good Zelena. You’re good now. You deserve her. I know you. I know you do.”

She shakes her head, rubs her belly and how can Jessica know that? How can Jessica know her? She doesn't know herself. She's been trying to go with the middle but when Regina showed up with a bag and Jessica sighed but told her the couch fold out, she wanted to scream all over again. She wanted to pick a fight all over again. She didn't because if she showed Regina she's not alright, she wouldn’t get to see her baby girl. She doesn't know herself. She doesn't know who she is. She just wants time to stop, to freeze right then, when she has her baby just to herself, when Jessica is hugging her and it’s not complicated.

But then she gasps because she feels her whole midsection go rigid and something pushing downward and she knows what it is, has been waiting to feel it for some time now.

Time can't be frozen. It doesn't matter that she doesn't quite know herself. Time does not stop. Jessica gets up and asks her what it is and she can't lie, so when the pain stops, she tells her about the contraction.

She cries more and Jess has to let Regina know, she has to, but she doesn't do so right away. The woman extends her hands and Zelena is crying, crying and crying but she takes them and stands and lets the brunette guide her through a walk around the room. They keep doing it until her tears dry.

They let go. And Zelena is telling Regina herself. Because she needs some distraction, something to keep her grounded and Jess’ hair is not between her fingers anymore.

“I’m in labor.” She says and she keeps pacing and rubbing her belly and blinking because her eyes are a bit swollen, she's a bit desperate.

Her little sister gulps. Looks for help in the only person she trusts in the apartment, who shrugs. So they don't talk, Jessica only turns the radio on. But 20 minutes later, Zelena pulls its plug and Robin walks through the front door.

35 minutes from her first contraction, she has another one. The closest thing to her is Regina. And she needs to lean on something. She needs to hold onto something and lower her head and grunt because the pain is almost unbearable. So she leans on her sister. She plants both hands on the woman’s forearms, squeezes and she feels Regina tentatively flex her muscles, offer more support. When the pain stops, she takes two seconds to let go.

“We should go to the hospital now. Right? It's her second one, right? We should go, right?”

Robin mumbles and mumbles and Jessica shakes her head, tells him it would be of no use, it’s still too early. And the man nods, but keeps eyeing Zelena’s stomach like he’d never seen something so frightening.

The third contraction comes thirty minutes later. The fourth, twenty-nine, and by the time they are down to fifteen minutes apart, it's the middle of the night. But Jessica says that they _should_ go, so they do.

She has another one while a nurse rolls her wheelchair to a room. She screams and Robin is walking beside the nurse and tells her to stay call, that she has to stay calm.

“Shut your trap, I was a fake midwife. I know the drill.”

But when they get into the room, the man helps her up anyway. He retrieves quickly, though.

There’s a hospital gown waiting on her bed and she needs to get ready, this is happening, she's in labor and she needs to get changed. She doesn't know how. But Jessica is there, Jessica is always there. And she helps her up, shoos everyone away (Zelena takes a deep breath when she sees the woman exchanging glances with her sister), closes the door.

“Let's get you into this, uhm?”

“I’m not a kid.” She says. Her voice is thick, her throat tight. Jessica nods and keeps her eyes on the ground while she takes off her shirt and covers her front side with the gown. “You can tie me.”

And the woman does. But doesn't talk.

“I’m scared.” She breathes. She’s never said it aloud. Not with someone else close enough to hear. Not since her mother died.

Jessica turns her around. Looks into her eyes. Cradles her head in her hands. Buries her fingers in her hair. And she kisses her. Softly. Just a press of lips. Softly. Softly. Soothing.

“I don't know what this means. But you'll push this girl out and you’ll hold her. And she's going to be _here_. And I’m going to be here.”

Jessica runs her fingers through her hair until they are free. Smiles. Takes a step back and picks her hand while Zelena climbs on the bed.

Whale shows up ten minutes later, rubbing his eye and chuckling when he sees her doubled over, grunting through yet another dosage of pain.

“It's so much easier to cause it than to endure it, uhm?” He chuckles again.

“Don't start.” Regina warns.

He arches an eyebrow.

“Alright, not in the mood for jokes then. Let's measure you. “

She’d rather barf, really, than to have _Whale_ between her legs, but he’s the doctor and Robin hasn't taken his eyes off of him since his arriving words.

So people who need to get out from behind him not to get a view, do, and he checks her and when it’s over, she sighs.

“You’re about 4 centimeters dilated, which is good for a first time mom, but your water has not broken yet, we’ll check you again in two hours and see how everything is.”

She nods, but he doesn't see it, is already looking through her heartbeat exams and the baby’s and everything else. He walks out and doesn't take a glance back.

5 hours later, her water breaks. And things start to move faster. Soon, they start prepping the room for the delivery. And it's frantic. But there's this moment where all nurses are out getting things, checking things, paging Whale, and there is only Jess, and Regina and Robin and her and Regina bites her lip, looks at her

“How does it feel?”

She could lie. She could say it feels like a blessing, like a privilege (it does, but not entirely), but she doesn't. For some reason, she lays her hand atop her belly and sighs.

“Like crapping a watermelon.”

Jessica snorts from the other side of the room. Her sister nods. Looks down. Zelena feels a tiny smirk appear on her lips.

But it fades as soon as Whale puts his gloves on.

She reaches over, searches for something, someone, and she feels fingers lace with hers.

“Alright, we’ll count to three and then you push.”

Zelena blinks.

She just wants time to stop.

“1”

( _“I know you.”_ )

She takes a deep breath, makes herself feel her baby inside her.

“2”

( _“You’re a good person Zelena, you just haven’t realized it yet.”_ )

“3, push!”

She does.

* * *

 

When they hear a cry, Zelena’s hand relaxes on hers. Momentarily. Because a second later it's clutching again, and she's fidgeting, trying to see her daughter, trying to understand the cries.

“You need to be still.“ Whale says but of course the woman doesn't listen. “She needs to be still.” He tells Regina, but the mayor doesn't listen either, has this scared and shocked and confused look on her face. “She needs to be still” He tells Jess but doesn't _look_ at her because he’s a big stupid baby that hasn't been looking at her since she took her leave.

“Hey, calm down. Z, calm down. She's fine. They are just cleaning her up.” She puts her other hand on the woman's shoulder. It works. Zelena shifts her wandering gaze, stops, takes deep, uneven breaths. “She's fine, she's here.” She smiles, feels that string tug at her heart because the redhead tries at a smile too but just then, just when she looks over to make sure everything is alright, the child cries harder. She cries harder because she's being placed on Robin's arms and he takes steps away, two, three, further into the farthest corner of the room, closer to Regina.

Zelena sees it too and she loses it. She starts moving again and this time with strength. “Let me hold her. Let me hold her.” She reaches and reaches and she doesn't take her eyes off of the pink blanket anymore. Regina still has this scared look on her face, and she frowns (everyone frowns really, Jessica herself jumps slightly, scared, scared for just a second) when a bright green light starts coming out of Zelena’s wrist, out of her wristband and the woman's whole body is shaking with energy, she's still asking to hold her daughter, and each second that passes the light gets stronger, stronger and when they all realize that the girl too is glowing green, tiny sparks start emanating from the wrist.

Jessica tries to let go of the woman's hand and “No” she grunts, cries, Zelena is crying now but

“I’m getting her, I’m getting her over here, just let go.”

It takes her a few more pulls, but she manages to set her hand free and she hurries to Regina, still so confused and scared and with her back to Robin and the baby because the light is almost unbearable. “It's her daughter too. It's her child.”

“She's _my_ child.” Robin says in a low voice, trying to hide the quiver in his words, and she really sees it then, that they _are_ soulmates because Regina makes this deep noise of agreement on the back of her throat, her back still to them.

“She spent 9 months with this child inside her. They are connected. Look at them.”

“She's too stressed.”

“She won't hurt her. The same way you wouldn’t hurt Henry.”

“She's _my_ child. My daughter. I’m not risking her life.”

“Seriously?” Jessica wants to scream. Robin is a good man. Loves Regina. Loves his children. Obviously. But she wants to snap his neck. Feels the twinkle on her fingertips.

Regina must sense it. Regina senses a lot of things when it comes to her. Because she turns around, to them, looks at the baby, the light greener than seconds ago. And she looks at Robin. Leans over, whispers on his ear. He sighs, nods. Steps closer to Jessica. She's been a nurse for decades. Her arms fold themselves into the right position instantly and she takes on the baby’s weight. The girl is still crying. Zelena is still crying too.

Jess walks back to the bed. Her eyes on the baby in her arms. She looks so much like her mother. Her little nose. Her little mouth. But there are dimples dotting her cheeks. Her eyes are closed. Her face is red. She's crying too hard. Every nurse in the room knows that. But they don't meddle with magical beings, not when they are exhaling power. So the baby cries too hard, but no one tries to help her.

She comes closer and Zelena extends her arms, her chest heaving. Jessica places the little thing she's holding where it belongs, with her mother. And as soon as their skin touch, as soon as Zelena settles the blanket a little aside, puts her finger on the girl’s tiny hand, her mouth on the girl’s forehead, the light diminishes.

“Hi, baby, hi.” Zelena mumbles and kisses her daughter again and the cries start to slow down, to tone down. Jessica smiles. And she looks back and sees Regina leaving, Robin looking at his child.

She goes after the mayor.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Regina is leaning on the wall opposite to the hospital room, the scared look on her brown more acute now, so Jess settles beside her. ( _“You are a nurturer. You always were.”_ )

“They will turn out okay.”

“She's _here_. That baby is here. Zelena had a kid with Robin.” She sighs. Shakes her head. “With _Robin_.”

Regina whispers the name like a broken vow and she's heard that voice before. When the woman used to speak about Daniel. About her lost love. About the one who got lost forever.

“She _deceived_ him and he still loves the girl. How did my life come to this?”

“You love him. And he loves the girl. And you adopted Henry when you had a whole town under a curse. It wasn't right Gina, but she isn't the same person anymore.”

The oldest brunette picks her gaze up, bites her lip at the nickname.

“We’ve talked, you know? About this, about how we feel.”

Jessica shrugs, it's not the same.

“I love him _so much_.”

“So let him love her.”

Another shrug. It's sad. Because Regina is her sister, and she's in pain. She's in so much pain because there is nowhere for her to run, to hide. No more anger, no more façades, no more games that no one can see through anymore. There's Robin. And Robin wants to be happy. With her. And Jessica knows, she knows Regina won't stand in the way.  But then there's Zelena. Zelena, the one who freaks out and screams and is never certain, but kisses her and squeezes her shoulder. Zelena the one who's trying and crying and has just given birth to a little person that already loves her mother with all her might.

And Jessica doesn't quite know how to feel, but that's not new. So she looks at Regina, waits and when the woman says _yeah,_ she takes a big gulp of breath.

* * *

 

It’s funny, this feeling she has. Of wholeness. Of emptiness. Of two opposites that don’t quite fit together. When she holds her daughter, she feels every cell of her being hum. She can’t take her eyes off of her. Off of the pink flesh, the little cheeks, the little toes. Everything she’s created. Pure. Perfect. Beautiful.

When she sees Jessica and Regina talking quietly in a corner, Regina shaking a bit, Robin inching closer, putting his arm around Regina’s waist, kissing her brow, murmuring something, Jessica looking over in her direction, meeting her eyes. When she sees this, she feels something taking hold of her chest, spreading, making her avert her gaze. Look down at her child again, sleeping peacefully in her arms.

Jessica had been scared of her. Had jumped slightly. Had shrugged her hand free. And her baby, her little princess had been so distressed. Had been crying and glowing green and was it her fault? Had she doomed her girl to a life of green and hurt and _wickedness?_

“Can I talk to my sister alone, please?” Her voice is hoarse. But the quiet conversation stops. And she sees it by the corner of her eyes. How Regina inches a bit closer to Robin, to his arm still around her. And he squeezes her tight and Zelena focuses on her daughter again.

They leave. Everyone but the one she requested to speak to. And Regina is strong. It pains her to admit it, even to herself, but Regina is strong in a way she isn’t. And that’s why she needs help, needs to rely on the person she wanted to destroy.

“I need you to do something for me.” She whispers. She wants to see the shock, the doubt that surely creeps up on her sister’s brow, but she can’t take her eyes off of her daughter. She needs to memorize every little detail of this perfect little thing. “I need you to take care of her. Of them.”

“Zelena, I can’t play games right now.”

“It’s _not_ -” She chokes. Her throat is tight. So she takes a deep, deep breath. Lets it go slowly. “It’s not a game. I need you to take care of them. Because I won’t be able to.”

She hears the heavy, tired sigh that leaves her sister. And she hears the cushion of the chair crack when Regina sits on it.

“Why?”

“Have you seen me? Have you seen what I can do to _her_?” Her baby shifts in her hold slightly, her little fist opening and closing over her mouth. Zelena feels her lips part, a soft gasp falling from them. She’s created this, this beautiful creature. And she can destroy it without meaning to, without realizing it. “My magic is stronger than yours. And it’s dangerous. I’m dangerous.”

Regina stays quiet. The room is quiet. And her baby shifts again. And it’s amazing and gorgeous and simple. And she loves so deeply, wants to protect so deeply. She’s leaving.

“I’m leaving and I need you to take care of them until I come back.”

“This was your plan all along, wasn’t it?”

Her head snaps up at that, her eyes meet her sister’s and this small twinkling in the pit of her stomach appears. She hasn’t felt it for a while. Because she hasn’t seen the anger on Regina’s eyes for a while.

“To come back, touch everything that is important, make a wreck out of my life. And leave.” The brunette’s hands are clutched tightly. And Zelena looks down at her child. Soft, quiet, fitting in the crook of her arm. Her sister had been like that one day. Had slept under their mother’s watch. Hadn’t known what good or evil was. Hadn’t cried a single tear from a broken heart. She can’t turn her daughter into another Evil Queen. Into another _Wicked Witch._ But she can come back. She will come back. She just needs to take away the evil, bottle it up and abandon it in a dark corner of her brain, forget about it.

“It was. But I never counted on loving her.”

“Who? The girl or Jess?”

Zelena stops. Looks away, out of the window.

“I’m not dumb and it’s not the first time I see this happening. But you are going to destroy her even so, aren’t you?”

“She has you. They will have you.”

“What’s changed? Why? What’s- Why?”

“I’m coming back. I am. I just need some time.” She begs. She’s begging Regina. _Regina_. Her younger sister. The one that got everything she ever wanted. The one that took everything for granted.

She hears an even deeper sigh.

“How should I trust you? How should I know this is not a trick?”

“They are everything I got. If I stay, if I stay I will _end_ them because every time I see you, I want to end _you_.”

She cleans her tears with her shoulder before they fall into the perfect skin she’s created.

“It’s always a game with you.” Regina murmurs, like she’s reminding herself of that.

“Cast a spell on me. Make sure I can’t lie. I’m not lying.”

“It’s always a game.”

“I can’t take hurting them.”

“ _If_ you come back, when will that be?”

“I don’t know.”

“Will you tell her?”

“I _can’t._ ”

She imagines hazel eyes filled with tears and confusion and hate. No, no, no. She can’t. She’ll leave and get herself on the right path for her and for her baby and for Jess. And she’ll come back. She’ll explain everything. Jess will understand. Her baby will still remember her.

“You’ll break her heart.”

“ _Please_.” She’s begging again and what has become of her? Of the great and terrible Wicked Witch? If she was _good_ , if she could see straight, it would be something. But she isn’t good. Not entirely. And her daughter deserves better. Her princess deserves so much better. And she will be better. She will be. She has to. She just needs time.

“I’ll talk to Robin. But if you’re lying to me-”

“I’m not.” She looks at her baby girl, who slowly starts to open her little eyes, that takes another gasp from her lips, that makes her think of giggling and warmth and goodness (and a pinch of darkness, of green sparkles and loud, terrifying crying) and she shakes her head. “I don’t want to lie anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t be angry? I promise it won’t be that bad?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some angst and don't forget to tell me what you think.

**PART TWO:**

**CHANGING**

* * *

 

She hates falling asleep. Because in those moments, just as the conscious part of her brain starts to shut down, pieces of memories flash behind her closed lids. Untrusting blue eyes. Auburn hair. Perfectly cut apples.

She hates falling asleep. So every night, she surrenders a little bit later. And that's okay with her. But apparently a lot of people _worry_ about her and she doesn't really notice these things herself, but Tinkerbell corners her one day at Granny's and asks what's up with the dark circles under her eyes. And Mary Margaret stops talking during one of their meetings and tells her she needs to eat more. And Whale sees that she's about to faint before she does. And he caughts her and makes her sit down. And Regina, Regina has tears in her eyes when she apologises. She begs her to forgive her, to come back. Jessica doesn't quite get where she has to come back from.

But then, one day she looks at herself in the mirror and sees that her cheeks pop out a little bit more than they used to and realises she's wearing one of _her_ t-shirts. One _she_ left behind. One that _she_ used to wear before her belly expanded with life. And Jessica cries alone in her bathroom. It's been a month and and she hasn't heard from Zelena. So she cries alone and then she pulls herself together. Because it's not the first time she's had her heart broken and she's tired of being the victim.

She quits the hospital and starts working at Granny's. Regina is livid when she hears about it. Says it's time she forgives her, that she should be working on the City Hall.

"I'll bring your order right up." She grimaces, turns away.

Regina stops going to Granny's after that.

And even after she pulls herself together, she still has trouble falling asleep, but she surrenders more easily and is while she's almost succumbing that her phone rings. She sighs but opens her eyes because they are at the verge of finding out how to get Emma back.

"What?"

"Jessica?"

It's Henry and he's a bit desperate and during the seconds it takes her to reply, she notices faint crying in the background.

"Hey."

"I need your help with something."

She bites her lip. Feels her chest shaking as she tries to take a deep breath.

"What is it?"

"Alex is just- She's been crying for hours and _mom_ , she doesn't listen to Robin or me or anyone. She just keeps rocking her and changing her and trying to feed her. We don't know _what_ to do."

She wants to say she's coming. She wants to stand up and get changed and tell the teen that she'll be right there. But she doesn't.

"I'm sorry, Henry."

" _Please?_ Grandma and grandpa can't and my mom isn't here anymore."

Her heart clutches. She hears a kind of hurt in his voice that is so lonely, so not spoken, she feels the need to give in, but Zelena is gone and she can't muster the courage to change another life.

"I can't come but give the phone to Robin. "

"Alright."

He sighs, shifts from where he is and she hears the crying getting louder. Then there's a knock and a door being opened and murmured words.

She sits up in the middle of her bed in the same second the man picks up.

"What have you done so far?"

"Henry shouldn't have called you, I'm sorry."

"It's ok. I just- It's fine. Have you changed her?"

"Changed her, fed her, burped her. Nothing works."

"Tell Regina to put her down."

He repeats her words and then the phone is pulled away and the crying is so very close.

"Do you want me to make it worse?"

Regina grunts and Jessica takes a deep breath.

"It's a theory."

"We've done it. She cries even more."

"Please?"

Regina is her sister. And they are mad at each other. But she is her _sister_. In her heart she is. So the woman tells her to hold on. And then the crying does get louder.

"See? It doesn't work."

The desperation Henry had shown, the woman lets loose when she speaks.

"No, I know. Just caress her tummy."

"Jess-"

"Try. It's the one thing I _know_ will work." She whispers. It's just something that tickles her bones. She remembers when she'd come home in the afternoon and pale hands caressed a turning stomach and a low voice murmured the soft words."Just go along, ok?" After a beat, Regina agrees, puts the phone on speaker because Robin wants to help too. "Over in Killarney, many years ago"

Her memory provides the words on its own. Because it is a common song and because Henry Sr. sang it to Sarah every single night before they went to sleep and she knows Regina used to linger outside the door, listening, gripping her dress, rushing away just as her father stood from the chair beside the bed.

She sings a few more verses but when the crying subsides, she lets her voice fade away. The couple keeps singing and she listens and squeezes her phone against her ear a bit more.

She loses track of time. But then everything is quiet and the phone clicks, the line dead.

She goes to sleep. And she cries a bit when she wakes up, but she showers, puts on her uniform, eats her breakfast and goes to work. Half an hour in, the bell rings and there's this stupid coffee machine she never manages to figure out, so she doesn't look up.

"Hey." Someone breathes behind her from over the counter and she stops. Looks at her hands, both of them pressing buttons, trying to breed a new pot. She takes her fingers away, turns around.

"Good morning." She says, isn't quite sure why. Her eyes focus on the woman, on the man. Not in the bundle in his arms. Because she's promised herself to keep her distance. Because the girl looked so much like her mother.

"Thank you for yesterday." Robin says, grimaces. And she wonders if the man feels powerless, if she went too far by helping them calm his daughter.

"I didn't do anything."

"You knew it would work."

"Yeah." Brown meets hazel. She misses Regina in a different way, a way she is not used to, has never lived through before. She is right there, but she is far away. Zelena is gone.

"Can I talk to you?"

"I'm worki-"

Granny passes behind her, pulls the knot that keeps her apron in place as she goes "Five minutes.", she says.

Jessica rounds the balcony, goes to the entrance door and Regina is right after her but the baby wakes up, gurgles.

They step outside and the older woman has a little girl in her hold. They sit in one of the tables and she looks at the sky, the faint sunshine, the cool breeze. She likes mornings.

"She asked me to do it."

"I know."

"She wasn't lying."

"I know."

"She did it for her daughter, for Alex. I couldn't deny her that right."

"Yeah, I know."

"Then why won't you speak to me?"

She brings her gaze back to the ground. Brown meets hazel and she misses her sister.

"It was so much _easier,_ to be angry at you. Blame you."

The baby shifts and they both look at her.

"She calls every week. I think she's better."

"Regina- I"

"You fell in love, it's not a crime."

She takes a deep breath. _Love_.

"Love's never done me any good."

"You sound just like me."

Regina scoffs and Jessica frowns.

"Is it worth it? This pain?"

"Always."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too, Jess."

Jessica lifts her hand, runs the back of her fingers softly against the sleeping child's cheek. She takes the girl in. Pure, whole, perfect.

"She was supposed to be called Chloe."

"She is. Chloe Alexandra."

Jess smiles a bit, bites her lip.

" _She_ \- She wrote him a letter and he told me the name."

The girl opens her eyes, little nose twitching as she yawns.

"Hi, Chloe."

( _"It's unsettling, to carve my teeth into something so beautiful, something so whole."_ )

She thinks she gets it, but she doesn't think she'll ever be sure.

* * *

 

There's this thing her mother used to tell her when she was small and didn't understand why Brianna (that was her sweet sweet adoptive mother's name) had to work being so sick. She used to cradle Zelena's head in her hands, kiss her brow softly, smile and "Life doesn't stop just because we're in pain."

She spends the bus drive to New York City cleaning silent tears from her face. She opens Neal's old apartment's door with a heavy sigh and she sleeps on the sofa that first night. The next morning, she goes looking for a job. Walks even though she's still a bit sore. Everyone walks in New York, she'd picked up that much. The first job she is offered is in a supermarket and she takes it because the payment is alright for just herself and it is close to her building.

She works. And works and doesn't make friends on the first week. By Friday, she picks the worn piece of paper she's been carrying in her back pocket since she left and calls Regina. And she talks to her a bit, tells her she wants to speak to her daughter. Her sister doesn't say anything, just passes the phone to Robin and he says no. She wants to scream, curse him. But she hangs up.

On the weekend, she sleeps until half past noon and then goes for a run on Central Park. She dresses and when she's tieing her sneakers, she sees the socks she has on. Jess'. She recalls sad songs on her mind while her feet meet the concrete. She flashes a finger to this guy that whistles to her when she passes. She thinks he wants wantscome after her, but there's a police officer close by, so he stays where he is and she runs for twenty more minutes.

Monday comes and she goes to work.

"Are you in a long ass funk or do you simply hate people?" This girl, Elizabeth, asks her when they are getting ready to leave for the day.

"Why is that any of your business?"

She takes off the store's vest, smooths her blouse and her hand brushes over her stomach. Her throat is tight. She misses her daughter.

"I don't know. It's just that _everyone_ in here is so damn cheerful and you're just- closed off."

"Yep."

"I think we're gonna be friends."

"Doubt it, kid."

"I'm 22."

_Lock the evil away._

"Have a good night." She pushes it past her lips, picks her purse up, closes her locker.

"You too."

And then she creates a routine. Work, quiet chat with Elizabeth, home, calling Regina, running. Work. She wants to call Jessica. Every end of the week she wants to ask her sister for the phone. But she doesn't. Because it is torture.

So a month goes by and she swallows the pain and the anger and she doesn't snap at customers and stupid questions and one day, she calls her sister and she doesn't want to throw up.

"How is she? How's Chloe?"

"She's" a pause, a deep breath. "Good. Been sleeping more."

"Is she asleep now?" When she's alone, she imagines her daughter. Soft, chubby cheeks. Ten little fingers. Ten little toes. Dimples that make themselves noticeable when she yawns. She imagines how it felt when she held her. Small and warm inside her arms. She frowns when she remembers the crying and the green glow. But usually when she gets to that part, her alarm clock rings, or an old lady asks her where the pharmacy is or Elizabeth throws a balled up paper at her face.

"Robin is giving her her bottle."

"Let me see her. Please. Please."

"How do you want to _see_ her?" Regina sighs.

"My friend- she told me about video chats."

"You made friends?"

"Please."

"Wait a second."

She hears her sister moving, hears mumbles and " _she wants to see her"_ and _"do you think it's worth it?"_ and " _If it was Henry and II…"_ and " _alright"._

"Turn it on."

She does and she sees her sister, her hair up in a ponytail, a simple white shirt, no makeup on. Regina looks tired, but beautiful, glowing and there's this thing, like a punch in her stomach. But it's not envy. She doesn't envy Regina anymore. Because her sister had been dark. As dark as she once was. So so so dark.

"Five minutes."

And she nods. Fiercely, her heart beating against her ribcage.

The camera is switched and then there's Robin holding her baby (their baby, their baby, she tries to remind herself of that. Because she needs to go back and she needs to accept Robin, maybe apologize. She doesn't want to, but her longing for Chloe transpasses that.)

Regina brings her phone closer, holds it so she can only see her daughter, as she finishes her milk, as the bottle is pulled away. And she thinks she stops breathing when she sees her daughter's eyes through the device. She has her eyes.

"Hi baby. Hi." She smiles and waves and her vision is blurred, she cleans the tears. Her baby is healthy and perfect and she's being taken care of.

Chloe frowns. But keeps looking at her.

"You are so beautiful Chlo."

She breathes and the baby smiles and she wants to go back. Right that instant. She wants to take that enchanted little girl she's created in her arms and kiss her little smiling cheeks. But she still has a long way to go. So she talks to her baby while Robin burps her and she keeps talking while Regina sits beside the man and she keeps talking as Chloe's eyelids start to close. She stops talking to her daughter when both their breaths are even and Regina tells her that it's late.

The next day she runs for an extra hour.

* * *

"I have an idea." It's a happy squeal behind her and she sighs.

"I don't have time for it." She closes the cardboard box with her books inside and walks to her front door, puts it beside the others. Tinkerbell follows her.

"Come on, pixie dust is harder to come by these days."

"Another reason why I don't care for it."

"Jess, it'll help."

"Look, I'm fine. Alright? I just bought a little house that is all mine and brand new and _fine._ I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You're compensating. You think that by changing and quitting your job you'll move on but you won't." The fairy jumps a bit. Just an inch. That movement she usually does when she's excited or trying to prove a point. Something to make her look bigger. It doesn't matter. Jessica goes back to packing.

"I _am_ moving on, Tink. I'm fine. It's not the first time I have to cope, so stop. Just stop."

"You're a good person. And a friend. I'm not giving up on you. Regina, help me out."

Jessica doesn't look. She just closes another box. Gets the marker from her back pocket and writes _plates_ on it. Perfectly manicured hands pull it away. And she stays crunched down where she is. Tries very hard not to break. Because she is alright. She is. She is. Tinkerbell is the only one who doesn't get that.

"What is it that you want to do, exactly?" Regina asks and she puts another box in front of Jess.

"The same thing I did to you. Prove she can love again."

And then everything is still. She does turn around at that. Stands up.

"You want to find her a soulmate?" Henry, who had walked in to pick up more things to load the truck with, frowns, crosses his arms.

She had gotten to know him. Because he was on some kind of break from school and spent his afternoons at Granny's. She didn't have much to do around 3PM. So one day she sat down at his table and it was a distraction. He started calling her Aunt J and it was nice and he made sure she was taking care of herself. And, well, he became protective.

"These two are good to go." Regina points and the teen rolls his eyes, but complies.

"A soulmate?" Maleficent appears out of nowhere with another box in her hands and Jessica wonders how the hell she has so many people helping her.

"Yes! Look how well it turned out for you." Tink looks at the former Queen. "Love is such a beautiful thing, Jess. You can't give up on it just because _she_ turned out badly."

" _She_ is not dead. _She_ has a name. Zelena. And it is not that simple. It's not just good or bad and don't you dare say it is."

Jessica is angry. So she takes yet another box (there are too many of them, some will have to go away, but it's fine) and she walks out of the apartment.

It is later, when everything is set and they are driving to her new home and Henry is sitting beside her on the passenger seat, Regina and Robin and Chloe with David on the truck ahead of them, that he murmurs that it's not such a bad idea. That she deserves happiness. That he just wants his family to be happy.

So she tells Tink while they unload the ridiculous amount of boxes that she's in. The fairy smiles a teary smile and hugs her. It'll just be another heartbreak, what's new about that?

They do it the next day. Because when they are done with the moving, they order some pizzas and eat. Robin tells a joke and she laughs and it feels like cheating.

She feels her heart beating against her ribcage as Tinkerbell sprinkles the dust over her. She levitates and a glow appears. They follow the magic and when it leads them to the road that cuts through the forest, things are obvious and she wants to cry. Because it isn't another heartbreak. It's the same one.

Tink leads them back to the ground when the town line comes into view and the guiding glow carries on over Storybrooke's limit.

"I-" The fairy tries but

"Thanks." She breathes. Jessica waves her arms, involves herself in a cloud of smoke. It fades and she's in Regina's office. When her chin starts to quiver she opens her mouth and takes gulps of air in. Tears leak but she refuses to sob. No sobbing. Not anymore. Not over the same thing.

Regina rounds the mayor's table. Makes her sit down on the couch.

"Is it her? It's her, isn't it?"

Jessica nods. And keeps breathing and _not_ sobbing.

"It's alright. It's alright." Regina holds her hand while she cries. Like she used to do when she dreamt of Tom and the night her parents died.

Five minutes later, Regina lets go. Frames Jessica's face. Looks into her eyes with a hard expression.

"Stop. She's not dead and you can't let it destroy you. This is not you, Jess."

"I know."

"So stop. She's trying to get better for her daughter. For you. She will be back. She's a Mills. We don't give up."

She nods. After two more minutes, she stops. And it's silent.

"Give me her number."

"Jessica."

"I deserve that much."

Regina shakes her head. But hands her her phone.

She takes note of the digits with shaking fingers. But she swallows. _Stop_.

"I hate to quote Charming, but you'll always find each other. Soulmates are persistent like that."

Jessica gives the device back. She leans sideways a bit, bumps her shoulder with Regina's.

"I love you."

"Oh, I know dear. This would be weird if you didn't."

Her tears dry.

At night, she feels her heart beating again. And she types, asks if she'd seen _it_ and hits send and goes to take a shower. She comes back to an " _yes"_ as a reply.

( _"You'll always find each other."_ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two is shorter than part one and idk why that is. It just is. Hope you liked it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (There's a tiny little crossover that gets clearer in this chapter. It won't continue, but let's see if you can find it.)
> 
> Here, have some hope.

 

"Hey, I'm having some drinks with my brother, wanna come?"

Zelena blinks, stares at herself for a couple of seconds on the tiny mirror she has on her locker's door. They are leaving earlier today. A pipe had exploded and the store is flooded, so the manager told them to go and, well, they aren't complaining.

"It's the middle of the afternoon."

"Yeah."

They walk there and Elizabeth tells her a bit more about her family. They talk during the days. More and more as the weeks go by. But Zelena doesn't ask about the girl's personal business. She'll leave and she'll have created a bont and what good will that be? But Lizzie tells her about her siblings. There are four of them. Two brothers and two sister. She's a twin with one of the boys, the one they are meeting today, and they are the middle ones. Her father had been a police officer and her mom, a nurse.

Zelena bites her lip. Remembers Jess but doesn't interrupt her.

"Richard got into the Academy and dad was kinda mad. But, well, we do our own thing sometimes and now he's working to be a detective."

She nods, follows the blond into the bar and it is not as dark as she'd expected inside. She looks around but keeps behind Elizabeth.

"There he is."

"Is this a cop's bar?"

"Yep."

Lizzie smiles and waves at a brunette man sitting on a table. He stands to meet them and she nods once when they are introduced.

They settle, she asks for a club soda and Elizabeth rolls her eyes.

"So, Zelena, where are you from?"

"England." Her brain supplies. She can't well say Oz.

Richard laughs a bit, takes a sip from his beer.

"Secretive, uhm?"

"Just keeping my business to myself, that's all."

"Anyways." Lizzie cuts in, gives her a way out because they've known each other for a few months now. "How's dad?"

"Good, I think. Wasn't home when I dropped by."

"Mom?"

"She's fine. Eli got into another fight at school."

"Guess your calm demeanour is a family thing, then?" She tries and the twins chuckle, look at each other with a glint in their eyes.

"Yeah, we gave our parents a run for their money."

They talk. About sports and New York and it is a good distraction. Richard is funny. Elizabeth and Richard are funnier, their bander is something she thinks she would like to have with someone. Thinks of Regina but shakes her head. That ship is sailed.

But then, an hour later, Richard, who is sitting in a way he can see the door, spots something coming in and he reaches over, squeezes Lizzie's wrist. Points. And Elizabeth is agitated. Stands from her chair and rushes over to where her brother had pointed. Zelena looks and finds her friend stopping in front of a brunette. The woman looks shocked. But then she hugs the girl. Just for a couple of seconds and Zelena turns back around before the blond can motion towards their table.

"Who is she?"

"My dad's old partner."

"Oh."

"They were close." The man shrugs and she thinks they have a bit of time before Lizzie comes back. "We all thought they had an affair."

"Did they?"

"That's a bit personal, don't you think?" He snaps and Zelena arches an eyebrow, focuses on her drink.

"Sorry. I guess you miss her?"

"A lot. We grew up knowing she would always be there." And then he stands and she hears him say _Liv_ with a sort of happiness in his voice that she thinks its pure. The woman has short, dark hair and it reminds her of Jess'. Not the color, Jessica's being dozens of tones lighter, but the length. And her posture. And the way she carries herself. And the history behind her eyes as their gazes meet.

"Liv, this is Zelena, my coworker."

They shake hands. Olivia doesn't seem to trust her. And there is the distinction. Between Jessica and this woman. The trust, the small twist of the corner of her lips. The bottom of the differences being two separate human beings. Jessica is not there. Jessica won't be there.

"How are you guys?"

She doesn't pay attention after that. They go into telling details of their own lives, and Zelena wants to turn back time. To when she was pregnant and had her daughter safe with her. To mid afternoons and bad singing competitions. To a swollen stomach and a turning baby. To lullabies late at night. To cravings and crunchy, golden onion rings.

Olivia excuses herself for a bit, she's meeting some friends too.

"God, I miss her."

"Do you think she'd agree to meet with dad?"

"Do you think he'd want that?"

"Well."

"What happened between them?" Zelena asks and the siblings turn to her, look a bit sad. Richard doesn't snap this time. Takes another sip of his third (fourth?) beer instead.

"Dad shot a girl on the job and it was too much. He left. Left the job and Liv and they were really close. Never spoke to her again." Lizzie plays with a napkin in front of her as she speaks.

"It destroyed him."

"Maybe he did it so he wouldn't hurt her."

They look at her again. Both frown and she can see the resemblance.

"Dad was a coward, if you ask me."

"Rich!" Elizabeth exclaims and looks at her brother. How dare he speak their demons out loud, Zelena imagines the girl thinks.

"I left my daughter so I wouldn't hurt her." She mumbles, finishes her drink, motions for the waitress. "It doesn't make me a coward."

They don't speak. And the old song playing in the background seems to get a bit louder.

"You have a daughter?" Lizzie looks at her with soft eyes. Kind. Pitiful.

"Yes. And I'm not good enough for her."

The waitress comes and she asks for the check. The woman nods, turns around to fetch it.

"What's her name?"

"Chloe." She smiles a bit. Pure blue eyes and soft baby skin flashing in her mind.

She pays for what she drank and she's leaving, Lizzie is not trying to stop her. But, well. She's been biting her tongue for months now, finally lets it have a mind of its own. "I'm older than you two and if that counts for anything, trust me that life is not black and white." She picks up her purse, reaches over, squeezes Elizabeth's upper arm as a goodbye. Walks out of the bar in time to look back and see Olivia returning.

The door closes behind her and the sun is setting, giving everything an orange glow. She soaks the image in before turning on her heel and making her way home. She keeps a hand on her purse handle and watches as the city goes by. People rushing around, taxis everywhere, business men and women with phones glued to their ears. Teenagers walking in packs. It's a nice place. She misses Storybrooke. Isn't sure if she misses Oz. She sees a baby itens' boutique and her pace slows down. She looks through the window. At yellow stuffed ducks and baby napkins. Sees pregnant women inside. Her free hand touches her stomach. It is almost back to what it once was. Liveless. She takes her fingertips away and her vision focusses on her own reflection. She frowns. Because there is a glow on top of her head. It's green. But not her tone. She knows what it is. Remembers her sister's and the thief's story.

She goes back to walking.

When she gets to the apartment, she calls Regina. And she's almost crying. She's desperate.

"Who did it?"

"I can't tell you."

"Was it her? Was it Jess?"

"Zelena."

Her sister hangs up and she sits on her bed, staring at the wall. Her phone beeps and it is an unknown number. A message.

_Did you see it?_

Her hands shake because yes, yes she'd seen it and it _had_ been Jess. It had been her and they are soulmates and how beautifully cursed is that?

( _Did you see it?)_

_Yes._

She answers.

And she keeps on answering. And she wants to go back.

She won't.

But she wants to.

She's almost asleep, but her phone beeps and

_We're meant to always find each other_.

And she breathes deeply.

_We will._

* * *

Somehow, talking to Zelena makes her strong enough to hate their situation. To stop feeling sorry for their destiny. Knowing that Zelena is alive and well and trying to follow the plan she had in mind makes Jessica stop crying. Makes her remember what it is she loves doing.

She tells Granny she quits and the older woman smiles, pats her cheek and tells her that it was never her place. But she knows that City Hall isn't where she's supposed to be either, so when Mary Margaret ( _Snow_ , the woman wants to be called Snow again) says that the Bright Light Daycare needs someone, Jessica goes willingly. Because she's always been a nurturer, but her heart can't take anymore death.

The children fill her days and she gets home bone tired, with paint and snot and baby food all over her clothes. She gets home with a light spirit.

She learns, a week after she sent the first message, that Zelena won't reach out. She understands it, as hard as it is. She does. And she doesn't try anymore.

"Jessica, there is someone who wants to speak with you." Carly, the one in charge of the daycare, calls her during naptime and she nods, steps out of the room as the woman steps in, taking the almost asleep boy from her arms.

She walks to the reception and finds Robin, Chloe in a car seat resting on the frontdesk.

"Hey." She says, smiles a bit.

"Hi."

"What can I do for you?" Her eyes fall on the baby, wide awake and sucking away at her pacifier.

"Regina and I, we need to concentrate on that last ingredient." To bring Emma back. It goes unsaid. But she knows it already. "And we need someone to look after Alex."

"Wouldn't it be easier to ask the fairies? I mean, they won't charge you for it."

She sounds like an asshole, she knows, but the Bright Light is a private institute. It has a fee. The man sighs, scratches the back of his head.

"People don't seem to _want_ her around. Given who her mother is." His throat sounds tight and he has a right to feel constrained. Angered even. Because she feels like that. Feels ashamed too because she had been one of those people. That didn't want Chloe around because of _Zelena_. Her reason was different, but still. "And we don't trust anyone else with her. Besides you."

"Alright." She says, her voice gaining that sweetly dumb tone one gets when speaking to an infant. "When do you want to drop her off?"

"Now?" He tries and she chuckles.

"You have to sign some paperwork, but it shouldn't be a problem."

Jessica extends her arms, flexes her fingers like she's going to grab the baby, who smiles through the pacifier, and picks the child up. "We're going to be great friends, aren't we?" She whispers as she settles Chloe.

Robin smiles, extends the diaper bag he had on his shoulder.

"I'll call Carly back so she can get everything set with you."

"Thanks." He looks into her eyes and she gets it. Nods once.

"Say bye bye to Dada." She raises one of the baby's hands, waves it softly and the child involves one of her fingers into all five of hers.

And it turns out Chloe is easy. Complains when she's hungry or needs a change but is otherwise fine. And Jessica finds herself looking at her while she sleeps, seeing how her eyelashes touch her cheeks. She truly is a beautiful baby.

Jess hates the situation they are in. But she regrets turning the girl away.

"I'm sorry." She whispers one afternoon, as she hushes the tired infant into resting.

Her colleagues look at her strangely sometimes, but she faces it. Peasants stared the same way when she strolled through villages with Regina.

One day, and it's been three weeks since she'd sent a message, Regina comes to pick Chloe up and invites her to dinner. She nods. Her house is brand new, but bigger than the apartment and also empty.

"Did you find it?" Jessica asks as the former queen drives them to her mansion.

"Not yet." The woman shakes her head, changes her grip on the wheel.

"You miss her a lot, don't you?"

"She was, _is_ ," Regina corrects herself, shakes her head slightly. "a different kind of light."

"You'll get her back. You're the freaking heroes. You don't tend to lose." She takes her gaze to the window, to passing houses and picket fences. "Despite the vengeful curse and everything, this is a good realm."

"You never ceased to tell me that." She feels the mood change, almost sees Regina's smirk, even with her eyes focused on the outside. "I do miss the castle, though."

"I do _not_ miss those damn stones. They were hard on the feet."

"Says the person who walks everywhere."

"Well, the space between my house and Granny's, for instance, is far shorter than your chambers and mine."

Regina laughs.

"True."

"But you know what I do miss?"

"Uhm?" They turn a corner, the white, masterful building growing in their sight.

"The waterfall."

" _That's_ what you miss?"

"Hell yeah. Even after, well, things happened, I still went there during the summers. It was beautiful and refreshing."

They park. Regina smiles a bit.

"What do you say" The woman turns to her, a glint in her eyes that Jessica misses. The kind of glint that is jovial and fun. "that when things are over, you and I create one here?"

"Create a waterfall?"

"I mean, there is one that the curse brought over, but I need something less-" Regina pouts a bit, seems to think for a second and they both know she just wants to add drama into her phrase. " _Deadly_. You know, because of the kids."

Jessica rolls her eyes.

"Deal."

* * *

"Dad's meeting Liv." Elizabeth comes from nowhere and Zelena takes a step back.

"Good for them."

"They are meeting today. Here. In a couple of minutes."

"Great."

"Can you not be an asshole for just a second?" Lizzie snaps and she sighs.

"Sorry."

It's been four weeks since the soulmate deal and she can't bring herself to send another text. Her sister says that Jess is fine. That she's more than fine. And Chloe is healthy and happy and Zelena wants to hold her daughter.

"I'm gonna want to go there" Elizabeth takes a deep breath, shakes her hands a bit, away from her body, as if they are wet. She's trying to get rid of the tension.

"I need to think about something else. Because my dad needs this and we all need this. I just. I need to let them be and not go there. I need something to do."

"What about your job? There's a shelf on aisle seven that needs restocking." She suggests, looks at a group of teenagers suspiciously, their smirks and chuckles gaining her friend's attention as well.

(She doesn't get used to it. This word. Friend. She says it with ease, doesn't worry about it much, but after she's spoken it, her tongue tastes different. Sweet, but sand-y.)

They watch the group for a bit, the little circle formed exploding with laughter one moment and Zelena rolls her eyes, is used to dismissing these packs when they come along. So she walks to where they are, arms crossed, eyes hard, grin in place.

These are the fleeing moments she gets to let out a bit of the cynicism she's been trying to destroy. It isn't healthy. But she's not rude. And she doesn't snark. She only puts her game face on. Her heart feels a little bit lighter, she's a bit closer to going home.

She exchanges a few words with a boy, who seems to have more courage than the rest, asks him what they are up to. And he puffs his chest, tries to look big, tries to look down at her, make her feel less worthy because " _Look where you work, who do you think you are to say anything_?"

Zelena laughs at that. But grows serious. And she sees his breath hitch when she starts talking again. Five minutes later, they are gone, pockets they'd filled with cigarettes and tiny liquor bottles, empty.

"We need to lock these things better."

She handles them to her manager. He blushes furiously, rushes away, to find the security guard and when she looks around for Liz, thinking she ought to take the girl further into the store, away from the meeting, Zelena finds her peeking through a coffee display. "Aisle seven, go."

"I need them to be ok again."

"If it were you? Would you like that?"

"You sound like my mom." Blond hair is flipped over a shoulder, a tired huff is blown and Zelena is not sure if she wants to laugh or cry or run away at that.

"Lizzie, go restock the damn shelf. I'll be at cosmetics."

The showcase that has a view. Elizabeth gets it. Squeezes her shoulder as she goes.

She pretends to sort things in the balcony, to clean the glass a bit and then, Olivia arrives, runs her eyes through the store and Zelena looks down before their gazes can meet. A second later, she looks up and sees the brunette making her way to a man sitting in one of their exposed couches, her back straight, her walk firm. She transpacess confidence.

Somehow, it seems like every step takes too much effort.

They meet and a client asks Zelena something, so she pays attention because it is her job.

When the customer goes away almost twenty minutes later and her eyes return to the duo, Olivia sits beside the man, her elbows on her knees, her head a bit down. They are talking. Fast.

Again, she sees Jessica on the woman. The defeat hanging over her head, the deep, concentrating expression. Concentrating not to cry. Not to show weakness. But Olivia fixes her posture, stares hard into the man's, Elliot's, face. There is this movement, where he makes to take her hand and she flinches.

It takes Zelena back to a crying baby and green glow and sparkles. It takes her back to fear and pulling hands. To pain and to goodbyes that never existed.

A moment later, as she tries to look busy, putting the products the person had chosen not to buy back into their places, she hears a _damn it_. It is in Olivia's voice and it is thick and wet and she tries not to think of herself, her life, her own damaged shit. But her mind is hard to control, so it runs scenarios. Of her daughter not recognizing her, of Robin telling her it doesn't matter, she doesn't have a claim to Chloe, of Jessica turning her away, saying that she's not what she wants anymore. Of this whole thing being in vain. But then, because life is messy and beautiful, Olivia puts her hand on his knee, lets it rest there for one, two, three seconds and he puts a hand over hers, Zelena looks hard enough to read his lips. _I'm sorry_. And she thinks she sees Olivia shake her head. Take her hand away. _It's fine_.

She remembers dark hair between her fingers, a head resting against her belly. She remembers being taken back down by the touch and by the press of her baby's feet against her rib. By the _tug-tug_ of the string around her heart.

Zelena goes to find Elizabeth.

"Are they gone?"

"No."

"Well?"

"You're fine, kid."

Lizzie smiles wide.

"I'm not a fucking kid."

She laughs a bit. It doesn't feel like she's fooling someone anymore.

Later, when the girl (alright, woman), comes back from her lunch break with her father and her _Liv_ , Zelena asks Elizabeth if she thinks she's a good person.

Her friend shrugs.

"Good enough, I guess." The blond smirks. "It's not that simple, right?"

It takes a few seconds, a small nod, a relieved sigh escaping her.

"Right."

* * *

The paint she'd poured starts to dry, so she calls the mansion.

"Are you guys coming or what?"

"Aunt Jess, hey." Henry picks up and he mumbles, she can practically see him scratching the back of his head.

"Spill it." Jessica drops the paintbrushes she'd just washed on her dining table. Puts her free hand on her waist.

"Something came up when we were about to leave. Mom and Robin are talking about it."

"Oh, alright."

"But they are almost done, I think."

"No, it's alright Henry. Just tell them we can do it another day."

"They just stepped out of the den." He muffles the transmitter, but she makes out her name and mingled voices. "Mom wants to talk to you." Henry says just before Regina's voice comes up.

"I'm sorry we're so late."

"Nah, I get it. Henry told me what happened."

"He did?" She frowns a bit, squints because the voice she hears is a bit small, doubtful. "And you're alright?"

"He didn't get into details." Jessica rests her hip against the table, her arm falling to her side to lean against the wooden surface. "Regina, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing. We found that ingredient."

She smiles. But she spent two years with the woman while trust slowly started to build between them, so she knows when things are being held back.

"And?"

"Can we talk when we get there? We have your whole living room to paint."

_No, no we can't_ , she wants to say, but she agrees.

And they come and they paint and everyone's wearing comfortable clothing. Soft, worn cotton, old jeans. Regina wouldn't have looked like herself it it wasn't for the tension around her lips while she wasn't speaking to her sons (because Roland came along and he calls her momma now). Jessica is preparing them some snacks while they wait for the first layer to dry and Robin helps.

She hears squealing from around the corner, peeks to see Roland on top of Regina, the woman flat on the floor, laughing, Henry with his phone in hand, probably mid texting, but with his eyes on his mother. Jessica thinks it's good. To have these moments where they just exist, where they don't nibble at Dark Ones and sadness and lost. When a memory of auburn hair and soft voice clenches her chest, she goes back to chopping carrots into sticks.

Robin makes the dip and tells her about his hate for motorcycles. She laughs when he stirs his mix faster and faster as his resentment comes to live. He stops, looks at her laughing and then at the food he was supposed to prepair. Drops of it spilled over the edges of the pot, over the sink, a bit on his hand. He chuckles, keeps the smirk as they make their way back to where the rest of the group is.

They talk and eat and she almost forgets about what it's being kept from her. But by the end of the day, her mind clicks and she calls Regina into a corner.

"She wants to come back, Jess."

It's been four months. Almost five. As long as _she'd_ lived with her. And she has moved on. She has. But then she thinks of Chloe, of toothless smiles and bubble noises and of this soft, soft, soft emerald glow the girl gets when she's really, really happy.

"It's your choice. Her choice."

"If you tell me you don't want her here anymore, if it is too much just right now, I'll get it. It's your life too."

"She has a daughter. I'm not keeping them apart. That's your decision. Robin's." She shrugs. Looks away but Regina says a soft _hey_ and she brings her gaze back.

"What do you want?"

"I want to help bring Emma back. And I want to keep hanging out with you guys and Tink, and the Charmings and Whale and even Maleficent." She takes a breath. Closes her eyes for a second. Opens them. "I want to be normal for a bit. And I want Chloe to have her mother back."

"Alright."

Jessica locks the door when they leave and strangely, she manages to smile as they load into the car.

She goes to sleep and she doesn't dream about _them_. She dreams about her brother, who thinks she's dead, of her parents, dead. Of Sarah. Dead. And she dreams about herself, looking at her reflection in the mirror, her cheeks full again, getting ready to go to work. Alive. When Jessica wakes up and situates herself, she thinks she's normal.

* * *

"Don't you find it a bit fucked up? That the first time I'm in your apartment is to say goodbye?"

Lizzie rests on the arm of her couch. Looks at her with a frown.

"I was never planning on staying this long." She rubs her hands on her jeans, pushes her glasses back (the ones she bought on her third week because there was no more magic to help her see and no more Marian's physique that came with perfect sight) and closes her suitcase.

"Still doesn't answer my question."

"If this was the only fucked up aspect of my life, I'd be quite glad."

The blond looks down, crosses her arms.

"You're really going?"

"I have a daughter I need to get back to."

"And you're not telling me where you'll be living either?"

"That's right."

"Fine."

"Great."

Her cellphone beeps. Her alarm.

"I need to rush." She sighs, moves to the next suitcase and sits on it, makes it shut enough and motions for a little help.

"Dad is happier."

"That's great." She says, because it is. Because if the man is happy, his daughter is happy and Zelena likes Elizabeth. Is the only person in this city she truly likes.

"You're happier."

"Ye, I guess I'll be." She smiles a bit. Thinks of her daughter. She's going back. Robin said okay and Regina too so she's going back and she's going to see her baby face to face. Jess. "And you're gonna finish college, quit the supermarket and be happy too."

Lizzie doesn't answer, concentrates on pulling the zipper.

"There."

They step back. Zelena looks at her baggage. Four cases. Two more than what she had when she came here. And she's grown too. She thinks she has. She feels she has.

They load the cab's truck and then she has to tell her _friend_ goodbye and said person steps closer, hugs her and Zelena wants to tell Elizabeth to stop wearing that perfume, that it is too sweet. But she doesn't. She hugs Lizzie back.

"You _are_ a good friend, Elizabeth."

The woman chuckles.

"Don't grow soft on me now, red."

Zelena rolls her eyes. Gets into the cab. And then she's on the bus. And then the station and then she feels that her arms are gonna drop because she's pulling the suitcases for miles but she sees the little red scarf Regina told her would signalize the town line and she stops. Pulls her phone out of her pocket. Hits number one and when her sister picks up, her breath shakes.

"I'm here."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter from part two. We're getting closer to the end and why the hell has this story grown on me so much?


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly thought I had updated this story here as well, I'm so so so sorry for the delay.

**PART THREE:**

**LIVING**

She’s late for work when Maleficent shows up at her door, swollen eyes and a messy ponytail. The witch grabs her wrist, puffs them into Granny’s, right in front of a table where Regina and Robin and Henry and, well, the rest of the _gang_ are. Maleficent gives the former queen a look, says “ _There, happy now?”_ And disappears in another cloud of smoke.

Jessica stares at the woman as well.

“I’m late for work.” She grunts.

“You’re not going today.”

“You’re not my mother?”

“Jess, she’s coming back.”

She swallows. Bites her tongue.

“That’s why I’m going to work.”

She walks out and no one says her name.

She takes care of the babies she has to and she thinks of lullabies and warm bottles and snot. She does not think about her heart beating faster and faster.

But her phone rings around noon and Regina asks her to come, says that it would be nice if she did. So she grabs her purse and tells Carly she needs the afternoon off. The woman nods. She rushes. But pauses with her hand midway to the mansion’s doorbell.

Jessica shakes her head. Zelena is there. Zelena is _back_.

She pushes the button and waits. Snow opens the door, a tight smile on her lips, circles under her eyes.

“Come on, they are in the living room.”

* * *

 

When she sees Regina, she wants to cry. It is true. She is finally, finally back. Then she sees Robin and she is sad, understands the way he looks at her.

“Where is she?” Zelena asks. She wants her daughter. Only wants to hold her precious baby girl.

“Home.” Robin says, crosses his arms. She nods.

“Can I see her?”

“Did you change, Zelena?” Regina catches her eyes, pleads her for the truth and she feels the spell that runs through her veins, that prevents her from lying to her sister ever again. She would say it even without it.

“Yes.”

“So yes.” Robin nods.

They get into the Mercedes, Zelena takes deep breaths in, watches as the trees go by.

“Since when do you wear glasses?” The brunette in the car asks, spies on her through the rearview mirror.

“Since I left. Kinda always needed them.”

Her sight is not back. She doesn’t mind.

“You never wore them when we’d videochat.”

“I don’t know. I never needed them to see my daughter.”

They keep quiet until Regina parks and they get into the house, the couple in front of her and her heart beats fast, she recognizes the space and Chloe is just some steps away.

Her sister and the man guide her into the living room and there she is. _There she is_. In Snow’s lap, gazing at David as he talks to her. The one holding her child has already seen them, her husband too. Zelena walks closer slowly, her arms reaching and Chloe looks at her, big blue eyes sparkling. When her hands reach the baby, when they slid on the soft skin and settle underneath the armpits, when they flex and bring the girl out of Snow’s hold, when Zelena pulls Chloe into her, holds her daughter close, she feels complete. Like she hasn’t since the last time she had her princess with her.

“Hi beautiful. I’ve missed you.” She puts her forearm underneath the girl’s bottom, her other hand flat against the small back and she takes a good look at her. And the baby looks back. Listens to her speak. “Look how much you’ve grown.” She says, her voice heavy and Chloe squeals. Loudly. Smiles. Leans over and rests her forehead against Zelena’s shoulder.

She doesn’t know what it is, so she looks at Regina, at Robin.

“Henry taught her how to hug.”

Zelena presses her hand against the child a bit more firmly, dips her head so she can kiss her daughter, smell her skin.

“I love you, Chlo. I love you. Did you know that, uhm? I love you.”

She sits on the couch. Doesn’t mind that Snow is that close to her, she only sees her daughter. Her beautiful baby girl that has a head full of red locks by now, that has pointy little ears and protuberant cheeks. Grabby fingers that reach out, take hold of her t shirt. Zelena leans over again, kisses the baby’s face and Chloe laughs, lets go of the cloth and rests her hands on her mother’s chin. Zelena does it again. And another laugh escapes the child. She feels her tears pooling on the inside of her glasses, so she shifts her baby a bit, pulls the frames away, abandons them on her other side. Chloe watches.

Once again, she kisses the girl and she gets one more laugh. But then her eyes widen because there’s this soft green glow emanating from her princess.

She looks over at her sister again, desperate. She is better. She is. She doesn’t want to kill Regina anymore, she doesn’t want to kill anyone anymore. Why? Why is her child still suffering? Why-

Regina shakes her head, brings her hands up, palms flat. Telling her it’s okay. “She’s happy. This happens when she’s happy.”

Zelena looks down at her baby, little mouth open, smiling and _she’s happy_.

She keeps holding Chloe but then it is time for her bottle, Robin says and she asks if she can feed her child. The man sighs, crunches in front of her and handles the milk bottle over. Zelena lays Chloe in her arm, who fusses a bit, and she hushes her and brings the object closer to the small mouth. The baby accepts it, brings her hands to circle the bigger fingers that hold the thing in place and keeps her gaze locked with her mother’s.

Zelena does not want to look away from this precious little thing. Ever. She burps her, Robin allows that too. And she puts her down in her crib for her nap and looks at her, keeps rubbing her tummy even after Chloe is fast asleep, sucking away at a purple pacifier. Regina calls her twice before she steps out of the nursery.

“What time is it?” She asks because her stomach groans a bit when she sits on the couch again.

“Half past noon.”

Zelena nods. Still feels her child in her arms, laughing, smiling, relaxed. Still feels the soft, warm hum of her soul. She leans her elbows on her knees, presses the heels of her palms against her eyes, lets a deep breath go. She feels the prickling behind her lids, isn't quite sure if it is the pressure or tears.

She's better now. It was worth it. Leaving was the right thing to do. But she's missed _so much_. Chloe was small when she last held her and now the girl knows how to _hug_ and smile and make syllables sounds.

The doorbell rings. Zelena sits up straighter, _suck it up_ , she thinks, runs a finger under both eyes, taking the wetness away, pushes a lock of hair behind her ear. Looks around for her glasses. Puts them on. Sees how nervous her sister seems, resting against a wall with Robin beside her.

Notices how the brunette’s eyes travel from her to the room's entrance.

A second later, before she can ask anything, she understands why.

Jessica’s figure walks in behind Snow. Zelena shakes. Shakes. _Jesus Christ_.

(She’d gotten the habit from Elizabeth, the catholic uprising of the woman showing up by quiet mumbles.)

She stands and Snow gets out of the way. As she approaches Jess, burning white guilt builds up her neck. Fear too. Shame. Hazel meets blue and Jessica has shifty eyes, mist hidden deep down her orbs. She feels her breath hitching, yet another rush of tears, but she holds them in. If Jess steps away, tells her _no,_ it will be fine _._ It’ll have to be. Because she left without talking it through.

But then she's a step away and Jessica mumbles _hi_ and that string that ties them together pulls with such a strength that she encircles the woman’s waist and Jessica’s arms round her neck.

Their whole midsections press together, their cheeks touching, fingers curling on the material of each other’s clothing.

“You’re back.” Jess whispers against her ear. Zelena doesn't say anything. Nods

The woman makes to let go, to put a bit of space between them because they are not alone, but Zelena shakes her head, just a couple more seconds, she just needs a couple more seconds to get used to the feeling of having her _soulmate_ , warm and solid and smelling of jasmine, close to her.

She counts.

One

Two

“I am.” She breathes and pushes herself away, but keeps her hands on the woman’s waist, Jessica with both palms holding Zelena’s elbows.

“How are you?” It’s thick and sincere and their eyes meet again, the darker ones growing a bit red. The woman struggles against her tears. Their story is filled with tears.

“Your hair is longer.” She notes, her eyes shifting to the wavy locks that are inches pass Jess’ shoulders.

“Z.” She squeezes her elbows.

“I don’t know.” She whispers. “I’m better.”

“You’re wearing glasses.” Jessica chuckles and blinks and a tear escapes the strong hold the woman has over them, slides down the cheek that had just been pressed against Zelena’s.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers and Jessica looks away, jaw working as her head shakes, nodding. She pulls Zelena back into another hug, rests her forehead on her shoulder.

“I missed you.” Jessica takes a deep breath, straightens herself.

They look at each other and something is different, something changed and appeared over the mist that covered the hazel eyes. It’d be too easy. To come back and have everything falling into place. And it wouldn’t be her life. So of course Snow clears her throat, breaks the moment. Of course Jessica steps away, looks down, anywhere but her. They need to talk. Because they missed each other and they are soulmates but that doesn’t reassure anything.

* * *

 

 Regina tells them she’s made lunch and they all sit on the table. Like a little messed up family. Henry isn’t there. Neither is Roland. Chloe has about half an hour left of her naptime when they take their places. Snow to the left of her, Zelena in front of her.

And isn’t that a pretty sight? Well, in spite of Robin sitting on the other end of the table, his shoulders tense and Snow with those dark circles that make her look tired, older and David wanting wine instead of water, drinking a glass of it on the first ten minutes. Isn’t it beautiful?

She scoffs, shakes her head and hums when she hears someone calling her name.

“Have you finished unpacking?”

“There are some boxes left, but they are probably going to charity.”

“That’s great. If you need some help, just let us know.” Regina nods and Jessica cracks a smile. Takes a deep breath in, looks ahead, to the woman that gazes at her with a small frown.

“You moved?”        

She nods.

“‘bout two months ago.”

They know what it means, what else also happened on that time period, so she leaves the sentence at that.

Snow and Robin carry on the conversation, David laughing and pushing his drink away after three glasses and a touch on the shoulder by his wife when he speaks a little too loudly. They are almost done, she’s going to offer to wash the dishes when they hear crying through the baby monitor. Zelena halts, makes to stand but then looks at Regina, like asking for permission. But the brunette is already on her feat.

“I’ll go.” She says, squeezes Robin’s shoulder. “I think we’ll need you.” She notes, looking at Jessica. The crying is desperate. Like the one the baby gets from time to time. Never when they are in daycare, but in the middle of the night, or on weekends. She’s had four of them on the small space of time she’s been in the world and two out of those, Jess was called to help.

She stands, rounds the table and crosses gazes with the redhead for a second. She looks heartbroken. But there’s nothing to be done in that moment.

They get to the nursery and the baby is wailing, looking at them and reaching. Regina goes to her, picks her up, shushes and cradles the back of her head gently, caressing the soft hair. “Come on, Alex, shh, are you ready to wake up now? Uhm? Wanna go see daddy?”

The girl still cries, looks at Jessica over Regina’s shoulder and her eyes look like her mother’s. A few minutes pass by and the volume doesn’t go down, so Jess asks to hold the girl, adjusts the weight with ease, months of getting used to that by now. She sings the lullaby and it works a bit, the elder woman still passing her fingers through the auburn locks.

Five minutes later, she’s calmed down, but still whimpers and Zelena walks in with soft, fast feet, Robin right behind her, grabbing her arm gently, trying to make her stop.

“I said no.”

“I just want to help.” She pulls her arm away, looks at the man like there is something wrong with him, but then she softens, becomes mellower, probably remembers what happened between them like a sour taste.

Chloe whimpers louder at the voice, moves in Jess’ hold. She watches as Robin sighs, scratches his beard (looking like the man she met months ago, like the man that walked into her apartment with a messed up relationship and a baby he never thought possible being carried by someone he didn’t love). Says _fine_ , moves closer to Regina because they are always stronger together, like an army. Jessica misses that. Thinks she had that on the months between ‘crazy murderer’ and ‘someone leaving without a proper farewell’.

Zelena gets closer, crosses gazes with her again but then transfers her daughter to her own arms, smiling and talking in soft mumbles.

She feels her heart filling with something. Something that reminds her of soft kisses and fingers deep on her hair and _“they honestly should vote him off, he’s crap”_ and songs sang so badly that made her cringe and laugh.

Jessica bites the inside of her cheek because she is _not_ crying again. They are done with that, pass that. Today is the last day, she knows that. But still, her mouth moves on its own “I _can’t_.”

Her tone is low, but Zelena looks at her, eyes wide. Eyes that follow her while she leaves the room, descends the stairs quickly.

“Jess.” Snow calls her from the living room. Because she’s standing just in front of the entrance to it, no one followed her. “What’s wrong?”

She shakes her head.

( _“Was it any of this real? Second chances and books and hugs? Was it-”_ )

Zelena is back and she’s better and how can that be? How can she be back when she has been gone for so long?

“Jessica?” Snow stands, stops in front of her.

“I don’t know what to do.” She whispers. She fell in love. It wasn’t a crime. But what do they do now? Because she is eager to hug  and talk and watch stupid tv shows but how can it be that simple? They were never like that. She doesn’t know how to be like that. “She’s here and I don’t know what to do.”

Snow looks and looks and now Jessica notices how the woman’s shoulders hang like a heavy burden.

“I’d give anything to be in your place.” Snow White smiles, sighs. “To have the one I love close to me again.”

Jessica takes a deep breath. They have the ingredient, but decided to wait. Until Emma appears again. Because the Dark One has gone missing for weeks now. It’s awful. But it isn’t the same thing and the woman is just sad. “I’ll be on the backyard.”

She sits on the wooden bench in front of the apple tree and lowers her head. What is she _doing?_ Zelena hugged her and it felt right and good but then she’d apologized and Jessica had missed her so _much_. But she moved on. In a way that she had never moved on before. She sank both  hands on her life and changed it and twisted it and she is settled. It aches, but she’s settled. Yet, there’s Zelena. The one that makes her heart leap and smile and is so complicated and beautiful and has her head spinning. There’s Zelena. The one who left for such a selfless reason that she can not force herself to condone her. The one who left without an explanation. The one who showed her love and took it away because nothing was right.

She hears steps and then feels someone sitting beside her.

“What do you want me to do?” The accent hits her ears hard, like a dozen little bullets at point blank.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you hate me?”

“I can’t hate you.”

“You can.”

“No, I can’t. I tried.”

“You did?”

Her hands shake.

“I love you.” There’s a gasp and a hand in hers but she pulls away. “And you left. And I couldn’t- I- got into a really dark place.” She turns her head, still hanging a bit low, meets the woman’s eyes. “But I’m better now. And I’m _normal_. But then you’re here again and holding Chloe and touching me and looking at me and I don’t know what I want you to do.”

Zelena nods.

“Would it be better if I left you alone?” Her voice is small, broken but not beg-y and has she really changed? Has time and distance and longing really made a difference?

“No.” She breathes, shakes her head. “Don’t. Ever.”

“What then? Because I don’t know what is supposed to happen here.”

“I want-” She pauses, gulps. “I want to know what’s different and what’s still the same and I want to laugh at stupid shows and throw popcorn at the tv trying to hit the bad singers and I want to pick it all up later because the floor is a mess.”

“I love you.”

She takes a shaky breath in.

“I want _you_ but I don’t know what that means yet.”

Zelena nods.

“I love you.” The redhead pushes her glasses up, a new thing she has to learn, a new thing she wants to know the details of. Why does she need it, is the frame good, why had she never worn them before? “Can I- Could we just-”

Jessica aligns her spine, nods and then they hug and clutch each other tight, she feels their chests shaking, the tie between them getting stronger. Zelena’s back. She feels the woman’s fingertips dig into the skin of her back, they are holding one another with that much strength. But they need time and _I love you_ she mumbles and it’ll be fine. It has to. They will always find each other, right?

* * *

“It’s a nice place.”

“It is.” Jessica nods, closes the front door behind them with her hip as she holds two of her bags and moves towards the stairs. “Never realized I had enough money saved to buy it.”

“Didn’t know nurses made that much.”

They start to climb the dark steps and she has to keep her eyes down not to miss one.

“Well, they don’t. But I spent twenty eight years going from home to work to the park. Never really bought that much. And it was always just me. So.”

“I need to start working soon.”

“You don’t _need_ to.”

“No, I do. I need to keep myself busy. Do you know if there are any groceries stores here?” Jessica stops at the top of the stairs, seems to think and Zelena takes her surroundings in. Three doors in the corridor. Bedroom, bathroom, bedroom, she thinks. And there are frames adorning the walls. Pictures of smiling humanoids she can’t exactly point names to in the dark.

“There’s one on Main Street, I can show you tomorrow when I go to work.” She reaches over, switches the light on.

“I can find it alone, it’s alright. Don’t wanna get you too far from your way.”

“But I-” The woman stops, a soft _oh_ escaping her lips. “I forgot to tell you.”

Zelena frowns. But stays quiet because she’s been gone for a while and of course things change. Of course life doesn’t stop just because she’s not there to see it morphing.

“I don’t work in the hospital anymore. Haven’t for some time now.”

“You’re not a nurse?”

“No.” She breathes. “Uhm, that’s your room.” Jessica points and they walk there.

Jess’ not a nurse anymore. She doesn’t wear white to go to work and she doesn’t take care of sick patients. What if she’d quit before? What if she’d quit before they met? What would have happened? Would they still have found each other? Would Zelena still want to change? She thinks she would. She thinks she would because she changed for Chloe, for her beautiful baby girl that deserved better. But she thinks she would’ve made bigger mistakes along the way before she realized what needed to be done had she not met Jessica when she did.

“It’s not much, but it still is bigger than the one in the apartment.”

They drop the suitcases by the feet of the bed and Zelena looks around. Paces the carpeted floor. Her hands lift to touch the wooden furniture, the same that were in her other room. She opens the drawer she’d slammed shut when they had that desperate, dark, needy fight. And there’s the jumpsuit inside. The white little jumpsuit that had been a gift for her daughter and the same one she almost took with her to New York, but decided that the ache would be too much.

“You kept it.” She smiles a bit, touches the fabric, turns her head to Jess, that leans against the doorframe with her arms crossed.

“Yeah.”

“Did she…” _Did my baby wear this? Did they allow it?_

“It was too big for her. And then I couldn’t bring myself to give it away.” Jessica looks down and Zelena walks back to her, meets her gaze and puts a hand on her neck, her thumb close to the woman’s ear.

( _“I want you but I don’t know what that means yet.”_ )

“I’m sorry.” She leans over, rests her forehead against the woman’s. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She whispers, her chin tipping closer. “I had to leave. I’m sorry.” Their lips brush together and she wants to press them completely, is about to when a hand covers hers and

“ _Zelena_.” Is a cry, a beg, something sad and heavy.

( _“I want you but I don’t know what that means yet.”_ )

“I know.” Because she does know. She doesn’t know when she’d want to change if she didn’t have Jess. She doesn’t know what would’ve happened had she stayed. She doesn’t know what she would be if she did not have the woman, but she does know that she’s done with the pain. She’s done causing pain. So she turns her head a bit, kisses the woman’s cheek. “I love you.”

She pulls away, looks at Jessica, that keeps her eyes closed for a couple more seconds.

“Wanna help me with dinner?” The brunette asks and Zelena laughs.

“Yeah but I need a shower first.”

“Tell me about it.” Jess smirks making her roll her eyes. The tension fades. “I’m gonna go check what we have in the freezer, call if you need anything.”

“Alright.” They turn away from each other, the woman heading for the steps and she for her baggage. “Jess?”

“Yes?”

“Which one is the bathroom?”

“The one across your room. Towels are under the sink.”

At least _something_ hasn’t changed.

She finds a soft pair of black shorts and a big, comfortable band tshirt. Zelena walks towards the other room but stops to see the pictures that are clearer now. There’s a drawing of a younger Jessica, bright eyes and soft cheeks, kneeled beside a girl whose long hair is tamed in a braid and small hands are over Jess’ on the tiny hips.

The next one, a little bit farther into the corridor, past the bathroom, closer to what must be Jessica’s room, is an actual photograph. The woman sits on the grass, Regina and Henry beside her, all three looking engrossed in a conversation and birds flying behind them. Zelena takes a deep breath, turns back and

“I need a shower.”

So she takes one, washes her hair despite being past eight and then goes to the kitchen.

“Feeling better?” Jessica asks, cutting some tomatoes over by the sink.

“Yeah. What are we making?”

“Thought some sandwiches wouldn’t hurt. It’s too hot for anything else, really.”

“That’s fine. Where do you want me?”

“Butter the bread.” She takes a double look at her. Smirks as her gaze falls into the t shirt and Zelena feels her heart pick up its pace. “Since when do you like The Supremes?”

“I don’t.” She looks around the freezer, takes what she needs and feels a bit brave, a bit more blunt. “But you do.”

“So you got me a t shirt and _you’_ re wearing it?”

“I didn’t get you a t shirt. It reminded me of you, that’s all.”

She sees Jess smiling a bit. She bites the corner of her lip and butters the freaking bread.


	8. Chapter Eight

When her alarm clock ticks past four, she gives up sleeping. Jessica’s been tossing and turning for hours now, and she’ll have to be up in a bit anyway. So she pushes off the thin sheet over her and stands. She tiptoes her way into her bathroom, shuts her eyes tightly when she turns the light on. Takes a shower and involves herself in a big, fluffy towel.

She changes and goes to the kitchen, her mind telling her that she’s not alone anymore, that Zelena is there, but the woman needs her privacy.

But then, as she finishes descending the stairs, she sees a figure on the couch, face alight by the glow of a cell phone.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“What are you doing up?”

“Messaging a friend.” Zelena grimaces, her eyes not leaving the device.

“A lot has changed, but you’re still a crappy liar.” She sits beside the woman, tugs a feet under her own knee. “What’s up?”

“It’s just” Zelena frowns, smiles. “Too quiet here. I forgot what it was like.”

Jessica rests against the couch, her head on the back of it but her gaze still on the redhead.

“I did too.” She whispers. Her companion sighs, locks her phone, puts it aside and inches a bit closer. Picks Jess’ hand up and plays with her fingers for a couple of seconds.

“What happened to you?” Their eyes meet once more for a fraction of a second before the woman looks back downward. “While I was gone?”

She wants to flinch. To feel cold and hesitant upon Zelena’s touch once again. As she felt the day before. But the hands holding hers are warm and soft. So she doesn’t.

“I guess I stopped caring.” She shrugs, flexes her fingers. “I was _angry_ and sad.”

Jessica still feels it a bit. The sneaky, slippery feeling taking over her chest, pulsating strongly and blindly.

“Oh.”

“I lost a bit of weight, didn’t really talk to Regina.”

“You got sick?” Zelena looks at her at that. Scared, guilty. “Physically?”

Jess blinks. Takes a deep breath in. Turns her face so she stares at the ceiling.

“I think so.”

Her _soulmate_ takes her hands away hastily (Jessica misses it, the warmth slipping through her), sits straighter and there are months between them, but she knows what that is, sees the fear and the self loathing.

“I never meant to cause you pain. I- I thought I was being _good_.” The redhead frowns, shifts her eyes right and left.

“Z?” Jess says, gets even closer, her folded legs over the woman’s now.  “It’s gone. It hurt but I got back on my feet.” She cradles the pale neck on her hands. “The pain is not what we need to worry about. Just the fact that it happened.”

Zelena looks her in the eyes, the pupils inside blue orbs a bit dilated.

“I made you _sick_.”

If it wasn’t sad and soul wrenching, Jessica would’ve laughed and pecked the woman for the small twist her nose gave. But it _was_ sad and an unconscious move. So she moves one hand up a bit, leans even closer.

“It’s gone.”

Zelena closes her mouth. Closes her eyes too.

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“So don’t do it again. Look at me.” The woman does. “We just need to get to know each other one more time.”

“I don’t think I can get used to silence anymore.”

“Neither can I.” She shrugs.“We’re not alone like _this_ , right?” Jessica flexes her fingers against Zelena’s neck, who lifts her own hands to clutch her wrists. The redhead shakes her head and Jess feels like her heart is inflating. She never believed in happily ever after as a teen. Thought it was unrealistic. But then she has someone that hurt her so much without meaning to, has someone that is forever bond to cross her life, someone she wants to hold close and how can they not make it work? “I didn’t know what I wanted you to do, but you always manage to find out for me.” She chuckles.

Zelena squeezes her wrists.

“I love you.”

“Yeah.” She smiles. “Me too.”

She thinks the woman might lean over, touch their lips together and she thinks she might let her, but they both hear the landline ringing and they both startle. So Jessica is the one to inch closer, dodge in the last second and land a languid kiss on the corner of Zelena’s mouth.

“Don’t need to worry about silence anymore.” She says while standing and rushing to the source of the sound. She keeps eyeing the redhead as she takes the phone out of the base, brings it to her ear, says _Hell-_

“Emma’s back and she’s taken Regina, we need to go. _Now_.”

She stops breathing and all she can think of is _why_. _How_. _What_. _Regina_. _Regina is in danger_ and her life is a fucking opera.

* * *

 

“We need to find them. We need to find _her._ ” Jessica is agitated, her hands shake badly while pressing the phone to her ear. That makes Zelena stand. Go to her.

“What’s wrong?” She whispers when Jess locks their gazes. The hazel orbs, the same ones that were calming her down when they should be looking elsewhere just moments ago, have a frightful quality now.

“Okay, okay, we’re going. I said we’re going, damn it.” The woman says at the device, pushes the off button with strength and something else.

“Jessica, what happened?”

“Uh- R- Regina is gone.” Tears start to build up on Jess’ eyes and Zelena feels like she has been stricken.

“What?”

“Emma- Emma took her and we need to go. We need to go.” The brunette turns away, starts pacing the kitchen, making little messes and mumbling _my keys_. Zelena stands there. _Regina is gone._

“Hey.” She calls and when the woman looks at her, she points at the key holder. And then she takes the set from her _soulmate_ ’s hands because they shake too much. Jessica is too out of it.

“Where to?”

“Her office.”

“Alright.”

_Regina is gone_.

The air is fresh as she drives through the deserted streets.

_(“I get it, Zelena_ ” _)_

“What do you think she’ll do to her?” Is a quiet mumble beside her. She clutches the steering wheel tighter. Imagines Swan, the freaking savior, hitting her sister, imagines dripping blood, a loose and lifeless body.

“I don’t know.” She actually wants to say _nothing_. That the heroes will get Regina back in time. That Regina is going to be shaken up but alright. Zelena knows better than that. Knows that the time they are taking to assemble and attack is already enough for uncountable damage.

_(“My friend- she told me about video chats.”_

_“You made friends?”)_

She reaches up, pinches the bridge of her nose. Steps harder on the gasoline.

When she parks, her hands shake a bit to turn the car off, but she's been swallowing things down for the past year, so she steps out of the vehicle, meets Jess on the sidewalk and the woman is looking at the horizon, her jaw tight. So she laces their fingers. Starts walking.

They are almost in the office when they begin to hear a baby cry.  They rush a bit because of that, Zelena feels her heart in her throat. They see Robin and Henry and Snow and David, Hook peeking through the window at the street. Henry holds Chloe, tries to shush her awkwardly. She lets go of Jess (because the seconds it took her to take her baby crying in, the woman seemed to come alive, her hand stopped shaking in her hold) and walks to her daughter, takes the girl into her arms, kisses the soft hair.

“We need to figure out what to do.” Robin has a map in front of him, leans over it, one hand clutching his bow, the other leaning on the table. He looks tense.

_(“It’s always a game with you.”)_

“Do you even know what happened?” Jessica asks, already beside the man, gazing at the paper as well.

“She went to get a glass of water.” Robin shakes his head, closes his free hand into a fist. “Then she screamed and when I got to her, Emma was- she had her hand around Regina’s neck. They disappeared right after.”

Zelena shifts her weight from one foot to the other, whispers soft words into Chloe’s ears. They just need to calm down. Everyone just needs to calm down because otherwise Regina will die. She will. Because _Swan_ is not Emma anymore. The darkness took that person away, must have left an empty shell. She knows it all too well, tries to recall sweet adopted Oz girl and knows she can’t.

“Where would she go?” She says a few minutes later, when her daughter calms down a bit, only whimpers and clutches her mother's pajama blouse in tiny fists. “Where was her safe place?”

The group looks at her. Snow and David holding each other with kicked-puppies expressions. “Her safe place was with us.” Snow White says.

“No. No. She has to have a safe place. Think. Somewhere that meant something. Just- _somewhere_.” Robin shakes his head, shifts his gaze between the Charmings and Hook and Henry. The boy’s shoulders hang low, his hands, free of his sister, now useless beside his body. Jessica notices him too. Goes to him, puts an arm around him.

Zelena keeps rocking her baby. The others keep brainstorming.

They are wasting time. Regina could be dead already. She doesn’t know how to handle the tight squeeze on her heart at that thought.

“The castle!” Henry squeals and that makes her look up again. Partially because Chloe was just about to fall asleep when the teen spoke, and partially because it _is_ Henry and it _is_ about his two moms. “The playground. Where my mo- Emma and I used to meet.”

“That castle is not there anymore, Henry.” David patronizes the kid and Zelena rolls her eyes.

“Anything is better than what _you’_ ve been suggesting.” She says, meets her eyes with Robin’s, who nods.

“Let’s go then.” Jess says, in a rush, but pauses. Looks at her and then at Chloe, who is finally drifting off.

“I called Tink.” Robin informs and she’s about to argue, to say that the stupid fairy shouldn’t be close to her daughter but Killian talks before she can. Calls them hastily.

“They are _here_.” He points out the window, every single person in the room rushing to see it too. When she manages to lift a curtain, peek down the streets, Henry lets a cry out, Jessica is gasping and Snow clutching David.

There, in the middle of Storybrooke’s main road, stands Emma Swan. Clad in dark, her arm outstretched, magically holding an immobile Regina midair. Her sister’s legs have blood slipping on them all the way to her toes, a spot in her midsection darker than the navy blue of her silk pajamas. Regina’s cheek is swollen.

Zelena feels something she hasn’t in a long time. Feels it burning through her veins, rushing through her heart. She tips her head down. Kisses her daughter's sweet little head. The whole group moves to the door, Robin with square shoulders and arrow already in hand. She thinks things might end up badly for someone. She is not sure who.

When they reach the pavement, Tinkerbell lands beside them, a shocked look in her eyes. She doesn’t ask, however, only extends her arms to the child and Zelena doesn’t want the woman close to Chloe, but it’s not like she has any choice, already feels her magic begging to be let out, to send Emma Swan flying through the skies.

Her wristband squeezes on her skin and Jessica trying to run towards Regina is an alert. She kisses her princess again, hands her off to the fairy with a warning glare. Rushes over to the group that gets closer and closer to the Dark One by the second. She reaches out, grabs David’s elbow. “Stop.” She says, and the group does, but not because of her.

Hook started talking to Emma and now all eyes turn to the blonde, her body shaking with energy.

“ _She_ is the one who caused all this misery. Don’t you see that?” Swan’s voice is vile, hateful, but her expression is soft, a small smile adorns her lips. Zelena sees Robin backing away a few steps, hiding behind them, putting an arrow in his bow. _Foolish man_.

Jessica sees it too, but she inches closer to where Regina is, unconscious.

So Zelena acts fast, pulls the woman’s arm back. Jess looks at her with anger.

“It took me a while to see it, but I figure it out.” Emma chuckles, looks at the one in her hold. “If it weren’t for her, we’d all be in the Forest. I would’ve grown up with my parents. Henry would have had a normal family-”

“I like my family.” The teen shouts, tears making his face wet.

“Just think, kid. It would’ve been your dad and I, grandma and grandpa.” Swan smiles harder, her eyes glinting. “It would’ve been perfect.”

“Mom.” Henry begs, sobs.

“But _she_ \- she had my parents give me away. She brought her sister over, killed Neal. She made me _care_ for her, made me care enough that I turned into _this_.” The blonde throws her arm down, hard, makes Regina hit against the pavement. Zelena feels her hands shaking. Everyone around her screams because her sister groans. “If we get rid of her, she’ll pay for everything. And it’ll be better.”

“Emma, this is not you. Please.” Snow begs.

Jessica shrugs her arm free, tries to step closer but Zelena gets in front of her, sees white when Swan focuses her eyes on them.

“See? Regina is so good that let _Zelena_ back here. How can you still defend her?” The woman’s arm goes left, Regina hits a post lamp twenty feet away. Something zips past their heads at that, flies towards Emma, but she’s the Dark One, and Robin is blinded by love, forgets about magical beings' reflexes. Swan stops the arrow, looks at him with her head tipped sideways. Remakes the object’s pathway. Towards Regina.

“Regina.” Jessica cries, makes to walk again, but Zelena can’t let it. Just can’t. So she blocks the woman with her body. “Let me go.”

“Stop.” She says. Pleads. Robin runs through them, to Emma, another arrow ready.

“I need to help. Do you get that?”

“Jessica.”

Hook runs past them too. And Snow and Charming. They are the only ones that remain away. Jess struggles harder, tries to walk around her.

“They are going to _die_. All of them. Because they don’t have magic and that isn’t Emma 'the savior' and _Regina will die_. Please. Let go.”

“ _You_ ’re gonna die.” She whispers. Jessica shakes her head.

“I’m not.”

“I can’t lose you.”

“So let me help her.” Jess shouts.

She takes a deep breath in. Feels her chest squeeze painfully. Her sight gets foggy.

“We need a better plan.” Zelena says. And their eyes lock and the noise, of people being thrown around and Emma laughing in the background, gets lower.

“The box.” Jessica lets it out like she’s an idiot. Like she should have thought of that sooner. The woman waves a hand, blue smoke appearing and disappearing, leaving behind something she’s only seen in books. The Pandora’s Box. “We increased it, changed it so it could hold energy, not people.”

“Alright. We-” She stops talking. Because Regina’s body lands inches from their feet. They both look at the woman, limp, bleeding heavily. Jessica lets go of the box (Zelena catches it before it falls to the floor, shatters), drops down by the woman, already crying not even two seconds later.

Zelena kneels down on the other side of her sister, feels her hands shaking, her wristband squeezing against her skin once more. Regina is hurt. Maybe dead. And Regina is her little sister. The one she wanted to destroy. The one she wanted to hurt. The one who believed her. Took care of her baby girl. Regina is her little sister. The one she wanted to kill, but the first one who forgave her.

She takes one of the loose hands in hers, brings it towards her wrist.

“Zelena what are you doing?” Jessica says, desperate, tears making her voice deep.

She lays Regina’s fingers over the letter of the band, puts her own atop the woman’s to give them strength. Pulls at the wristband and the second it is off, she feels every cell of her body on fire.

“Zelena!” Jess calls her when she stands.

She turns towards Emma, who is looking at them while violently pushing Robin away.

“Finally we’ll have some fun.” Swan smiles.

Zelena closes her hands, her eyes. Thinks of her daughter and soft kisses and Regina and how she can’t go back to darkness, how she can’t let this magic destroy her. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t.

She feels someone beside her. Knows its heat, knows its smell. She opens her eyes. Sees Jessica lifting her arms, her palms flat. So Zelena does the same. And she can’t let darkness take over her life once more, can’t let her magic be green. But she has to try. She has to. Because Regina wanted her to have another chance and Jessica gave her one. And she needs to take it. Just one more time.

They give a small nod to each other.

She lets the pulsating feeling slip through her fingers, morph into a force.

It’s white.

* * *

 

It enchants her. How paces change. How some things are slow, steady, and then fast, brutal. How some things are easy to understand and how others turn your world upside down, make your brain ache.

She doesn’t have time to register the fact that Zelena’s magic is white. She doesn’t get to dwell on the fact that their blows mingle together mid air, hit Emma square in the chest. She doesn’t get to register it completely because they need to knock the blonde out. Need to stop her somehow. And their magic is strong, Zelena’s is stronger.

So they keep going. Blow after blow after blow. Swan manages to get a few in as well, because nothing can be that simple. And one of those hits her. Sends her flying back, hitting the pavement hard, losing her breath.

Zelena screams her name, but she stands on her own. Looks at Emma, blood dripping from a split lip.

_(“She’s a different kind of light”)_

Jessica swears she tries to see it. To find in Emma Swan, the one standing in front of her, the one that used to observe her from the other side of a lake on those days she couldn’t go home, some kind of hope. Some kind of salvation. She thinks she finds it at the small wave of the woman’s smile.

And because of that, because of that she takes a deep breath in, tries to recall Regina’s words, decades ago, as the queen tried to teach her about her power.

She lets it take over her. Lets it swipe into every fiber of her being, pulsate in her veins. And then she lets it out. Zelena does the same. And Emma hits a building behind her, knocks her head on the concrete. And is out.

She doesn’t get to dwell on that. She runs to the blonde, limp on the floor. Hook is there too, hesitantly touching the dark clad arm. Snow and David too. Jessica doesn’t get to register that. Zelena handles her the box. She takes it with shaky hands. But that doesn’t matter. She needs to activate it. Needs to make Emma better so they can take Regina in, make sure she’s okay. _Because she is okay. Regina is okay. She is. She is._

Jessica explains what needs to be done. Screams at the ones touching Emma because they don’t listen, don’t pay attention.

“You want her alive?” She shouts, makes them look at her. “Then help me! This was the plan. I should not have to beg.”

So Hook nods, stands. The Charmings take a few seconds (which would seem like no time at all, but Regina is bleeding and they need to make it stop) but are on their feet too.

She takes another breath in, waves a hand over the Box, opens it, activates it. Points it at the unconscious woman, who is now starting to stir. They say the words Regina taught them. Together. And then dark is pulled from Emma, to the box. And she feels sick. Feels like throwing up. But she doesn’t. Keeps saying the words despite the clouds that form in the sky. Keeps saying them despite the thunder that sounds above their heads. Snow is crying. David too. Because Emma is screaming, like they are tearing away a part of her. Jessica knows they are, can’t allow herself to feel sorry, so she stands her ground.

Zelena is beside her, quiet. But when the box shakes violently in her hold, the woman wraps her hands above hers. Squeezes. Jessica keeps repeating the words and it’s almost unbearable.

But then it is over, and Emma is not dressed in black anymore. The blonde has a cream sweater, a red jacket on. Jeans. Boots.

And it shocks her how things happen so fast.

How she shoves the box, which vibrates darkly, into Hook’s hand. How she runs to Regina, drops beside Robin. How she doesn’t think about it, doesn’t hesitate in applying pressure to the wound on the woman’s stomach.

It shocks her how things happen so fast.

How she blinks (and feels the tears sliding down her face) and they are in the hospital, Regina and Emma both being rushed away.

How decades after, she’s still left standing in a corner, her hands sticky with blood from someone she loves with all her soul.

Zelena walks to her. Looks into her eyes and the redhead is crying too. Is shaking too. But Zelena hugs Jessica. Pulls her closer and Regina will be fine. She will. She’s a fighter. She’ll be alright.

They don’t speak because then, with her _soulmate's_ arms around her, she feels things hitting her like a truck. Feels everything drowning in her heart at once. Regina. _Regina_.

She cries, sobs really because she is so tired of this. Of gaining someone and losing someone else. She lost her parents, lost Tom and got Regina, Sarah.

She lost Sarah. Lost Regina. Gained Zelena.

But then she got Regina back and lost her soulmate. And now Zelena is here again and she can’t take it anymore. She is so tired.

“Calm down, Jess.” It’s a whisper in her ear. “You saved her. Saved Emma. Saved _me_.”

“I can’t. I can’t. Zelena, I can’t. She needs to be okay. She has to.” She tries to breathe. Open her eyes. And it aches. It aches so bad but Regina would scold her for being so desperate.

“She’s strong.” The redhead says and her voice is deep, her face is sad. “You know her.”

She nods because she can’t take it anymore, she is so tired, but there are others that are tired as well. And she lost so much, but the ache in her chest can’t take over. Not again. She’s been through that and she almost lost herself in the process.

So despite of things moving fast, the second she lets go of Zelena, sits beside Robin in the waiting room, time moves painfully slow.

Her soulmate goes to Tink, gets a sleeping Chloe from the woman, and then comes back, sits beside her.

They look at the girl as she sleeps, clueless. Robin doesn’t say a thing. Keeps his head down for an hour, maybe more. Jessica’s heart aches. And she can’t imagine if it had been Zelena instead of Regina.

“She’s going to be okay.” She says to herself, like a mantra, something to keep the tears in as she reaches over, caresses Chloe’s cheek.

No one else speaks again for a while.

But then Chloe wakes up and cries and Zelena is already standing, shushing the girl when Robin goes to her, reaches his arms for his daughter. The child is passed over and Robin starts to pace with the little being.

Zelena sits back down. Jessica can’t help it. She needs something. Needs to feel something that is not pain. So she puts her hand atop the woman’s, laces their fingers.

She keeps watching the clock tick.

_(“I do not miss those damn stones. They were hard on the feet.”_

_“Says the person who walks everywhere.”_

_“Well, the space between my house and Granny’s, for instance, is far shorter than your chambers and mine.”_

_Regina laughs._

_“True.”)_

“You’re hands have blood on them.” The redhead notes.

She stares at it.

“Yeah.”

She feels warmth between their palms, a faded white appearing and disappearing, taking the blood, Regina’s blood, with it. Jessica doesn’t feel the need to say anything.

An hour later, Henry takes the place Robin never reclaimed. And the boy looks at her, at them, and his eyes are so unbelievably sad that Jess puts an arm around his shoulders, kisses his temple.

“What if they are both gone?” He whispers and she takes a shaky breath, feels the tears coming up again, a tight squeeze on her heart.

“Don’t think like that.”

“Why not? Grandpa and Grandma are already acting like it’s true.”

She looks at the couple. Hugged close, defeated.

“Everyone takes desperation differently. But you know your moms. They are fighters.”

“Yeah.” Henry shrugs. Stares ahead.

They go back to waiting.

Whale turns the corner another hour later.

She doesn’t stand. Neither does Zelena. They squeeze their hands closer together.

“Emma is alright. A little sore, probably will have a scar on that lip, but is otherwise fine.”

Jessica doesn’t stop staring.

“Regina is in a delicate state. If she makes it through the night, we’ll have some space to breathe.”

“Can we help in any way?” She says, all eyes turning to them. And Whale frowns, looks at their joined hands.

“How, Jess?” He sighs.

“You know how.”

Whale pinches the bridge of his nose, closes his eyes.

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Are you up for it?” Snow asks, her voice stronger now that her daughter is okay. Jessica can’t blame her.

“It’s Regina.”

Zelena goes too. Is silent as they walk towards the room.

And then they see her and Jessica turns away. Fast. Chokes down the sobs. Regina is swollen. Has an arm in a cast, a leg too. Machines attached everywhere.

She gulps. But turns back.

They step closer to the bed.

_(“I missed you”)_

“I don’t know what to do.” She whispers because she doesn’t. Regina never taught her. Only showed her how to fight. How to defend herself. But never how to heal. Never how to make it better.

“It’s okay.” Zelena’s voice is hoarse and Jessica gazes at the woman only to see her looking down. “I do.”

So the redhead guides her through everything in soft whispers and she does register it then. How the magic that leaps from the woman’s hands is soft white, entangle itself with hers.

_(“You’re quite powerful”)_

She watches it. As bones straighten and Regina’s chest inflates more when she breathes. Jessica feels like it is her own body.

The woman’s vitals beat better, and she meets Zelena’s eyes when they are done.

_Everything is okay._

* * *

 

When they get home, deep sighs leave them both. She falls down on the couch. Feels tired now that the adrenaline left her body.

“Move.” Jess says and she goes further into the couch, presses her back fully on it. The woman lays beside her, looking at her through heavy eyelids. Zelena moves her hand despite the ache. Takes a strand of brown hair off of Jessica’s face. She keeps it between her fingers, though. Plays with it. The soft color reflects a bit of the lamp’s light. She thinks of Jess as a brunette, but her hair is barely that. Thinks of it as brown, when truly it is stuck between that and blonde. “You love her.”

She snaps her eyes to meet the woman’s. Knows her cheeks will turn bright pink in a few moments.

“You love your sister.” Jessica smiles a bit, the first one since she received that phone call, hours ago now. “You love her.”

“I wouldn’t call it love.” She goes back to playing with the strand, bites her lower lip for a second, trying to ignore the hotness that climbs up her neck. “She helped me a lot. I learned to be grateful.”

“Oh, you love her. I know it.”

“What I feel for Chloe, that’s love. What I feel for you,” She meets hazel eyes with her own once more, makes it stay that way. “That’s love. What I feel for Regina, that’s different.”

Jessica just breathes for a couple of seconds. But then she leans over. Kisses her. Fully. And Zelena has missed this. Missed the way she feels butterflies in her stomach, the way her heart tugs her closer. They pull away.

“Thank you.” Jess whispers, looks at her with a lowering eyelid.

“For what?”

“For not letting her die. For- For changing.”

Zelena shakes her head. And she gets it. Gets that it was worth it. That pain and heartache and longing and distance was worth it. That it is fine. That Jess is still here and her _sister_ is fine. Her heart beats a notch faster.

She leans over. She kisses Jess. That kisses her back. She whispers _thank you._ Over and over again.

“For not giving up on me.” She says when the woman repeats what she'd voiced moments ago. When the woman says _for what?_

Jessica shakes her head, tells her that the choice had been made a long time ago. And they look at each other yet again. Settle.

And she watches as Jess' eyes slowly fall shut. As her breathing becomes deeper.

She is not sure why. Why, after all she's done, she got to have this. To have someone like Jess. Why she got to be the mother of the most special little girl in all the realms. She is not sure why. But she is sure she can't let it go again.

So she sleeps. And when they wake up, sore and finally realizing how dirty their clothes are, she asks if they can go to the hospital.

They do.

And while they are pushing open the doors, she feels a hand in hers, fingers worming their way between hers. She feels her heart flutter.

And then they walk past Emma's room, manage to see that she is sitting in bed, eyes lost but with Hook and Snow and David by her side.

Regina's room is a few doors down and they enter it quietly, their steps soft.

Robin is there, sitting by the foot of the woman's bed, Roland beside him. Henry on the rocking chair, Chloe on his lap. The girl looks at Regina, eyes wide.

Jessica lets go of her when she sees that the woman is awake.

"How do you feel?" Jess asks and Zelena stands in the corner, leans her back on the wall. Because she helped, but things are not easy and she isn't sure if she's welcome.

"Not great. But good." Her sister's voice is deep, dry. But is there. Alive. Regina looks at her then. Meets her eyes. Manages a weak smile.

“Glad you’re ok, sis.” She tries and the brunette says nothing.

Chloe squeals and she turns her gaze to her baby girl, smiles when she sees bright blue orbs looking back at her.

Zelena goes to her daughter, meets Robin's eyes. She doesn't want to fight anymore, but the man nods and she retrieves her princess from the teen's hold yet again.

"Hi baby." She says, feeling her lips form a bigger smile.

She turns to her sister, stops for a second because every single person in the room stares at her. Regina included and her sister has a fully bloomed smile now. Soft. Truthful.

"You've come a long way, uhm?"

Zelena looks at Regina. Robin. Henry. _Jess. Chloe_.

Tips her head down, lands a languid kiss on her daughter's cheek because she doesn’t get tired of the feeling. The girl laughs.

"Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you for all the patience. See you soon!


	9. you are sanskrit on my skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We live through moments like they are simple. We live through minutes and hours and days and years like they are infinite. But then someone says something or someone goes somewhere and everything is twisted and different and suddenly so, so, so finite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to be done with this story. I really did. But it has a grip on my heart. So here goes nothing.

_"Pull the bones from the sockets_   
_Please be softer while you do it_   
_For I am fragile and vacant"_

_\- Sarasvati, by Mary Lambert_

* * *

She’s stupidly in love with her. Head-over-heels in love with her. And each day she realises it, each time she looks around and understands that _this_ is life, that it won't be pulled away suddenly, she fears she is going to die.

            Jessica takes a sip from her mug, meets her eyes above the rim.

            “It’s not like I want to live there, but it would be nice to see the world for a bit.”

            “The whole world?” She smirks, leans her elbows on the table separating them.

            “Not all at once, smart ass” Jessica rolls her eyes, smiles and Zelena feels a tug in her heart, something familiar, something that makes her lower a hand, catch Jess’. “We could start by visiting Regina.”

            She considers it. If not for the woman in front of her, for her sister. The one she hasn't seen in over six months, the one who finally managed to get pregnant, if only on the land-without-magic.

            “We have jobs, a house. A _dog_.”

            Her eyes shift towards Granny, who finally brings their food.

            “Thanks.” Jessica is the one who says it. Because Zelena is good and people in town have started to understand that, but Granny doesn't mingle and Granny doesn't do testing of new water, so they only nod to each other and words are never needed. “We also have vacations saved up, Snow to look after the house now and again and we can take Grinch with us.”

            “To a one-bedroom apartment?” She scoffs. Imagines their eight-month-old golden retriever in the apartment. It won't do. She wants to. Wants to see Regina and that baby the woman carries, but she doesn't see a way out.

            “I just want to _go_ , Zelena. Get out of this town. With you.”

            Their fingers lace together and she is stupidly in love with the woman.

            “Did they close the deal on that house?”

            Jess frowns, bites the corner of her lip.

            “Yes.”

            “Do you think they would mind a canine companion?”

            She's stupidly in love with Jessica. In love with the way her eyes shine when she holds Chloe. In love with the way her cheeks flush bright pink when she laughs too hard. In love with the way she draws numbers midair while trying to do math without any paper around. In love with the way she sleeps with her mouth a bit open. In love with the way she mumbles _I love you._

            She's stupidly in love and every time she thinks that she deserves it all, she fears she might die.

* * *

 

            Sometimes, she feels like running. She feels like packing her things and slipping away in the middle of the night. But then she turns over in bed, sees Zelena sleeping, chest in even breaths and Jessica can't do it. She can't.

            It's not that she isn't happy. It's not that she doesn't adore her life. She does. It’s just that she's never loved anyone the way she loves the redhead she wakes up to every morning. It's just that she never felt so complete as when Chloe crawls into her lap during weekends and Zelena kisses her cheek and they watch a movie, together. It's just that she's never been so full of joy and she doesn't know how to deal with it.

            “How much longer?” She asks, her eyes fixed outside the window. Everything is so different from what she remembers, but also exactly the same.

            “If this bloody thing worked, I’d know.” Zelena stops the car at traffic, presses the GPS button again, only to have _error_ flashing on the screen. “What’s next on the list?”

            Jessica looks down at the paper on her lap, directions passed by Robin over the phone when they realized their brand new navigation device was worthless. All the steps are crossed. Which probably means they are lost. Or at the street they were supposed to be.

            “Nothing.”

            “What?” It’s a high pitched voice that reaches her ears, she chuckles, passes the instructions over so Zelena can see it for herself. “What’s the house number?”

            “223”

            “We’re at 456.”

            “Are they growing?”

            “No.”

            Not lost then. Just not there yet.

            When they finally spot their destiny, Henry and Roland are waiting outside for them. She feels her lips tugging upwards at the sight of the boys. She’d missed them, doesn’t quite know how Henry got even bigger in the two weeks since she’d seen him. But when the car is parked, he stands and he is so tall, looking more like a man and she is so proud.

            Jessica climbs out of the vehicle and opens her arms to hug the teen.

            “How are you?” Her voice stretches at the end when Henry, the loving being he is, tightens his hold on her.

            “Good. Missed you.”

            “Me too, boy.”

            “Can I get one of those?” She steps away to let Zelena, now with a sleeping Chloe in her hold, embrace the teen.

            It’d been tough for him, to connect with his blood aunt. But somehow, with their interest in animals and songs, Jessica got to watch as they slowly became closer. And now Henry wraps his arms around the redhead softly, mindful of the girl between them.

            They get the bags and Roland insists on guiding the dog to the backyard.

            “Mom, they are here!” The boy calls before rushing past them towards the kitchen, Grinch on his heels.

            “I’m going to put these on my room, alright?” Henry smiles down at them, winks and is off, arms carrying all three suitcases.

            “I can’t believe they let us stay here.” Jessica mumbles, looks around the living room, Zelena settling Chloe on the couch and trying to muster her awake.

            “Do you really think I’d have you driving to the other side of town?” They turn at the voice, Robin standing at the doorway leading to the kitchen, apron tied around his middle and flour on his hair.

            They move to him, say their hellos and Jess can’t help the smirk on her face as he runs his fingers through his locks, making even more of a mess.

            “Was there a food fight or…” Zelena chuckles, going back to their daughter.

            “Oh.” The man seems startled, walks over to the mirror atop the fireplace. “This was your sister’s way of asking for breakfast pancakes.”

            “At least I got what I wanted.”

            And they turn again to see Regina, stomach big and round on her tiny frame, arms crossed, black hair tightened into a ponytail. The woman is radiant and she’s missed her.

            They sit, and talk, and Chloe wakes up and screams _daddy_ and makes him play with her and the boys outside.

            It feels like forever, really, since they had all been together. And when Zelena hugs her from behind as Jessica helps rinse the dishes after lunch, when Zelena kisses her neck and says hi, she feels like dropping everything and running. Feels like going back to Storybrooke, getting into a portal, hiding away at the Forest.

            But then Chloe screams for them outside.

            _Momma, Grinch is eating the ball!_

            And she doesn’t run. She rests her hand (as wet and cold as it is) atop the ones on her waist.

* * *

 

            She's exhausted. Bone deep exhausted. And happy. Deeply, honestly, truly happy. It amazes her.

            Regina leans a hand on Zelena’s thigh as she lowers herself into the couch.

            “So, how do you _really_ feel?” The redhead mumbles. She knows her sister. It took them a while. Took them Regina's recovery time and physiotherapy, but they got there. Got to jokes and deep talks and _hey can I borrow this blouse?_

            She asks because she knows her sister, and the woman's smile has been quivering since they got there, the brown eyes that stare back at her are a little bit less alive.

            “Just tired. This kid is running me ragged.” The brunette smiles, rubs her belly and Zelena can't help it, she raises a hand to touch the stomach too. She feels her niece kicking against her palm.

            “ _And_?” She tries. They are alone. Henry and Roland are in the teen’s room, playing video games. Robin is bathing Chloe and Jess took on the opportunity to shower on the guest bathroom. They are alone and it's been a while and since they got to know each other, there has been this honesty between them. This willingness to admit worries and troubles and the pulling of that dark side they share.

            So Regina leans her head against the couch's back, looks up at the ceiling.

            “There are so many things that could go wrong.” Her little sister breathes and it breaks her heart. It breaks her heart that Regina thinks like that. It breaks her heart that while she carried Chloe, she hadn't had those fears. She hadn't thought about losing her baby girl in that way. “She could get wrapped around her umbilical cord, she could not get enough nutrients, she could have some sort of genetic disorder. I mean, she could suffer _so much_ because I’m not even suppose to have her.”

            And there it is. There is the common ground they always find in each other's pain.

Regina shakes her head, wipes away the tears caused by the hormones and chuckles because how messed up are they?

            “You're right.” Her sister looks at her. “She could die at the blink of an eye.” She takes a deep breath. “But then again, so could any other child. All pregnancies have risks. You can't think of all the possibilities. And you're not supposed to have her, as I’m not supposed to have Chloe. But I do and you do. End of story. We do right by them and those we care about. That's enough.”

            Regina doesn't answer, not really convinced, and Zelena doesn't carry on, not seeing the point if the baby her sister is expecting will do the rest of the reassurance.

            So there's silence. And they listen as cars drive by and Roland screams in victory and Robin reprimands Chloe.

            “Do you believe in marriage?”

            “What?” Regina's reply is a couple of seconds late and awfully low. Her sister is almost asleep.

            “Do you believe in that whole eternal compromise, ‘ _in sickness and in health’_ thing?”

            “My parent’s marriage was more of a deal than anything else, mine with Leopold was-” Regina swallows and Zelena hates the man “-bad. But I don't know. I look at Snow and David and it makes me wonder if all of them are _that_ dreadful.” Ands she feels, more than sees, the brunette turning her head towards her. “Why? Do you think Jess will propose?”

            “No.”

            “Will you?”

            Silence.

            “We've been together for almost four years and I don't know. I'm in it for good.”

            She meets the brown gaze and sees a little bit of the sparkle back on them.

            “I'm gonna be the maid of honor, I don't care the size of the tantrum that fairy throws.”

* * *

 

            She thinks about Tom sometimes. Not always, she learned a long time ago that it wouldn’t do anyone any good. But she wonders. Thinks back on the memories she managed to store. His sand blonde hair, dark brown eyes.

            Jessica doesn’t always think about the brother she so selfishly left behind, but as she watches Roland and Chloe play together, she misses him.

            “Can’t believe we’ve only got two more days here.” Zelena’s head rests on her shoulder, the redhead’s hand tightly clutched on her own.

            “I kinda miss home, actually. And I’m not sure Regina could stand Grinch much longer.”

            She feels the vibrations as the woman chuckles, agrees with her and Jessica can’t help but to drop a kiss on the crown of red locks that brush her under chin.

            “Momma, it’s stuck.” Chloe walks to them, doll with a dress half up its’ plastic body extended in their direction. They are forced to untangle their hands and Jessica takes the toy, layers and layers of green satin awfully weird looking on the figure.

            “When we get home, how about we ask Aunty Snow to make her another outfit?” She suggests as her fingers make quick work on fixing the doll up.

            “But I like this one. Like Mommy’s.” Blue eyes stare back at her and how the hell did she get into this? How the hell did she get lucky enough to have this little girl?

            “Yeah, I know.” Jessica handles the now dressed plastic princess back, taking Zelena’s hand once more. “But Mommy has other clothes as well.”

            Chloe stops, chews at her bottom lip at that, frowns a bit, concentrating on her decision and it takes every ounce of her being not to grab her daughter and kiss every inch of her chubby face.

            “Okay.” And it’s settled and the girl walks over to her brother, now back at his gameboy. The girl throws the doll at him and Jessica is half afraid they will have to interfere when Roland gives an exasperated sigh and says _fine_ before picking up his SuperMan figure and once more getting  into his role.

            “Told you that Halloween costume would be a bad idea.” She says under her breath and Zelena chuckles again.

            “Shut up. I looked great.”

            “You did, but now the poor doll is stuck with that abortion of a dress.        “

            “It’s not that bad, I think it is a fair replica.”

            “That’s because _you_ made it.”

            “Next time she asks, you do it.”

            “Sure.”

            They hear a squeal and their attention turn to the kids once more, Roland tickling Chloe and Jessica doesn’t always think about Tom, but she does when her daughter plays with her siblings.

            “Sometimes,” She starts, her voice low, her eyes stinging and her heart tight. “I wonder what it was like for him, growing up all alone.”

            “Who? Roland?”

            “Tom.”

            Zelena sits up at that, looks at her with a concerned expression and Jessica loves her for it.

            “What do you mean?” The redhead uses her free hand to frame her jaw, thumb starting to caress her cheek on the seconds it takes hazel to meet blue.

            “Looking at them, looking at Chlo and Roland and Henry, I think about the hell my little brother went through.”

            “Jess-”

            “It’s too late now. I know. But it was selfish. And I hate myself for it.”

            Zelena breathes then, just looks at her and Jessica can practically see the woman picking at straws for the right words.

            “When we were, well, _meeting_ , you told me something.” The palm on her face drops to her waist, squeezes it and the stinging in her eyes grows stronger, morphes into tears that fog her vision. “You said that I did something wrong. Something that I couldn’t excuse or make up for.”Jessica nods. Because she remembers. Remembers finding the woman on that apartment they first shared, ultrason of her baby on the ground, tears sliding down her cheeks. “Leaving him? That was _your_ wrong doing. But you gotta move on.”

            “I know. And I have. It’s just sad.”

            “I know, babe.” Zelena leans over, locks their lips together and it is sweet, reassuring and she loves the woman with all her might.

            She hates herself sometimes.

            When she remembers what she left behind and what she got in return, but she thinks Zelena has enough love for both of them.

* * *

 

            If there was something she didn't miss from New York, it was traffic.

            Too many impolite people rushing to get to places only they care about. It tickles Zelena. Because when she lived in the city, she never had to seat in front of a wheel.

            They don't take a cab. Their group is too large and no way in hell would they pay twice to go to the same place.

            So she drives to the little diner, thanking her lucky stars that she finds a spot to park.

            She can see Elizabeth through the window, the woman’s hair even more blonde than she remembers.

            Robin parks behind them and Chloe takes her hand as they wait on the sidewalk

            “Do you think she got a big enough booth?” Jessica asks, lacing her fingers with the ones on Zelena’s free hand.

            “It’s Elizabeth, so I doubt it.”

            “I don't know why you say she's so bad. She is always sweet when you video chat.”

            “You'll see.”

            “I need a bathroom. Now.” Regina walks past them, belly protuberant and steps awkward.

            They go in after the brunette, her eyes finding a roat to her friend's table.

            “Hey, kid.” She says, feels the smirk pulling at her lips and as the younger woman turns to her, Zelena allows a full smile to appear

            “Red.” Lizzie stands, hugs her and she has to let go of Jessica to return it. “And still with the _kid_ deal, uhm?”

            “Nah, it's just been too long since I nagged you.”

            They step back from each other and Zelena adores the girl, is thankful for the friend she made during such a dark point.

            “Liv, you remember Zelena?” Her eyes meet the brown ones and Olivia smiles at her, but she knows recognition doesn’t cross the woman’s gaze. “Dad, this is the friend I told you about.”

            The man besides the brunette smiles, waves slightly.

            “Hi, nice to meet you.” She feels a tug in her hand, looks down at her daughter and the girl has that pinch of shyness on her forehead, so Zelena sighs, but picks Chloe up and her baby immediately hides her nose on her mother's neck. “This is my daughter, Chloe.”

            She introduces the rest of the group as they sit down, the slightly different version of the truth they had agreed on slipping past her lips easily.

            Robin, her brother-in-law, Roland and Henry, her nephews, Jessica, her girlfriend.

            She doesn't miss the way Elliot's eyes shift between her and her soulmate after their relationship title is said. She doesn't miss the way he fixes his posture, looking bigger, scooping closer to Olivia, to Elizabeth.

            But she doesn't dwell on it. Doesn't really feel like it because Lizzie accepts her the way she is and because Jessica is the love of her life and that is it.

            Regina arrives, sits beside Robin, on the corner of the booth.

            “And that's my sister, Regina.”

            She doesn't miss the way Elliot frowns at that as well.

            They place their orders, Lizzie trying to talk to Chloe and the girl slowly shifting with the soft encouraging of her mothers.

            “Chloe?” The blonde calls when the kid already sits with her back leaned against Zelena's chest. “I have something for you.”

            She feels her daughter perk up at that, sit up in her lap.

            Elizabeth passes a wrapped box over, Jessica getting it and giving it to Chlo. The ballerina paper wrap is torn apart by the girl and a happy squeal leaves the kid as two Barbie boxes come into view, _Wizard of Oz_ written on the bottom.

            “Your mom said you like that story?”

            Chloe giggles, nods, looks over at the woman and then up at Zelena.

            “How do we say, baby?” She whispers, kissing the girl's crown.

            “Thank you, ‘lizabeth.”

            “You’re welcome, sweetie.”

            Conversation flows after that and Zelena feels her heart full. Feels it beating against her ribcage as Olivia and Regina talk and Chloe moves over to Jess’ lap to get closer to Lizzie.

            She hadn't known it before, but this is her family. Lizzie is her family, is part of her story and seeing everyone she holds dear, it warms her, makes her soul hum just like it did when she first held her daughter.

            Their food arrives and she steals an onion ring from Jessica's plate as the woman is busy cutting Chloe’s omelette into smaller pieces.

            “I’m sorry, but I just have to ask, how come you two have different accents?” It's Elliot who lets the question out and she grants the man the benefit of the doubt because he looks more at ease with them, hasn't looked at Jess and herself for a while. And besides, Olivia elbows him, says a soft _Elliot_ under her breath.

            She exchanges a glance with Regina, the woman with a mouth full and eyes like dagger. But not at her.

            “We have the same mother, but different fathers. I grew up with mine on England.”

            “And your mother didn't fight to keep you both?”

            She sets her fork on her plate then, swallowing and taking a sip of her water before replying. She knows what this is about, of course she does. It is about him wanting to know who she really is, about the detective side of him that Lizzie always mentions showing its face. It’s about her and Jessica and fucking prejudice, even if not directly. And even giving him the benefit of the doubt it still takes her every fiber of her being to open her mouth to answer.

            “It was complicated.” It's Regina who says it, hand on her belly and dagger-eyes on the blue gazed man.

            Elizabeth doesn't look too pleased with her father either, so the blonde works on dissolving the tension that formed around the table.

            Zelena exchanges a few glances with her sister, musturing the woman to let it go.

            “I don't think I’ve ever told you guys this, but Zelena was the one who kept me from messing up your first _meeting._ ” Lizzie's voice is cheerie and curious, meant for Olivia and Elliot.

            “How do you mean?” The female of the duo shifts her eyes to Zelena and it reminds the redhead of the connection she'd seen when she first met the woman. It reminds her of how alike Olivia’s and Jess’ spirits are.

            “Well, it wasn't that big of a deal.” Zelena waves it off, picking her fork back up and playing around with her food. “I just sent her to the back of the store when you came in. But I’m glad it worked out for you guys.”

            She means it. Deep down, she does. Even if Elliot seems to have a problem with her relationship, she's glad he found Olivia again. Because she can still recall it, the way Lizzie _needed_ her father to be happy.

            “Yeah, Z told me about that. How long have you been together?”

            She loves Jessica deeply. Truly, honestly. And she knows they are in sink, she knows the woman by her side is trying to brush Elliot's comment off for her sake.

            Said man exchanges a look with Olivia, lets a cheshire smile take over his features.

            “Two years.” He says.

            “What about you two?” Liv tries, finishing the carrots on Lizzie's plates.

            “Just shy of four.” Jessica beams at her and Zelena can't help it. Can't care less about Elliot. She finds the woman's hand that rests on her now vacant lap, Chloe sitting with Robin.

            Time passes. They laugh at some joke and Elizabeth’s father doesn't talk to them again, focusses on his girlfriend, his daughter, Regina, Henry, even Chloe.

            He tries talking to Robin, saying something about what baseball team he likes best, but the archer doesn't give him much opening.

            Not that Zelena wants the heavy atmosphere, but she is grateful to see even him on her side.

            They say their goodbyes thirty minutes  later and Elizabeth holds her tight.

            “How much longer will you be in town?”

            “We leave tomorrow morning.”

            “I swear to God, Zelena, if you make me wait another four years to see you again-” The woman leaves the sentence hanging and it makes them hug again.

            She feels tears prickling, but she will not cry, so she mumbles something on Lizzie's ear that makes her squeal.

            And it makes Zelena giddy, thinking about what she's doing later that day.

            “See you around, then.” Her friend gushes and she shoos the blonde away.

            “Hope so.”

            Her heart beats fast as she gets into the car, looks at Jessica, typing away at her cell, probably messaging Belle.

            Zelena pulls into the everlasting line of moving cars, and she hates New York’s traffic, but the drumming on her chest overtops the horns.

* * *

 

            Jessica notices that something is off by the way Regina tries to stay away from her as much as possible when they get home from the diner. She notices something is off when the two Mills sisters spend hours locked on the guest bedroom.

            She tries not to take it personally. She hasn't done anything wrong and the trip has been going as smooth as it can.

            So when Zelena descends the stairs close to dinner time, when the redhead takes her hand and asks if they can talk outside, Jessica's mind is already going full speed.

            They sit down on the steps that lead to the backyard, Grinch running to them and sitting happily at their feet.

            Zelena looks nervous. Doesn't talk for the first few minutes and Jess’ heartbeat starts to knock against her ribcage, that sixth sense she seems to have developed during the years they’ve been together already telling her what's coming next.

            She tries to think she's wrong. She does. But then she sees how the woman’s hands play with a small box and _damn it,_ she's right.

            “Z?”

            Her mind is racing and so is her heart because that is not happening. It isn't. It just isn't.

            “I-” Zelena chuckles, turns to her and hazel meets blue and that is not happening. It isn't. “I don't really know what I’m supposed to say.”

            “About what?” She tries because she’s stupid and that sixth sense is tasting the air, making its’ way towards her True Love through that string that seems to tie them together. And that sixth sense wraps around Zelena’s mind, sees past the uneasiness, tells Jessica that she's right, that it _is_ happening and _crap crap crap_.

            “I never really thought I would get to love someone,” The redhead starts and it breaks her heart because the question has yet to leave the woman and the answer is already on the tip of her tongue, is already begging to be let out but how can she? How can Jessica say something when Zelena must be so sure the reply will be the opposite? “as amazing as you. And it took us awhile.”

            Zelena chuckles and Jess does, too, for she cannot break the woman so quickly, so harshly.

            “And I’m sorry. For everything we went through back then.” Her soulmate carries on and Jessica can't breathe, she can't. But she can't look away either, the eyes that gaze into her are too mesmerising. “But you showed me a kind of life I didn't know could exist. A strength I didn't know I had.”

            “Z-” She tries to stop it. She tries because she can't lose the woman. Couldn't lose her back then and can't lose her right now. And it aches. _Fuck_. It aches in the same way it did when she came back to her little apartment and Regina told her Zelena had left.

            “I _love_ our family. And our traditions and the way you convinced me that getting a dog was a great idea.”

            Grinch lifts his head at that, sensing his owner’s mention of him.

            Her heart aches and tears already pool in her eyes. Zelena doesn't see them, too wrapped up in finding the right words to say.

            “I love _you_. And you said that you wanted me. All those years ago, you said you wanted me but didn't know what that meant. I want _you_ , and I know what it means.”

            The redhead bites her lip and looks down for a moment, opening the box and handing it over to Jessica.

            _Geez_ , her fingers are trembling and Jess blinks, makes the tears slide as she looks at the rings, two matching ones. One with a green stone, and the other with a blue gem, probably a sapphire.

            “My mom gave me the green one. She got it from her mother when she got married. And she died way before I was old enough to find myself a _suitor_. And she knew that.”

            Jessica doesn't look up from the box. Can't. Because the answer to a question that is nearer and nearer is already on her tongue and she is going to lose Zelena.

            “I had the blue one made.” The redhead scoops closer, her chest inhaling shaky breaths. “You're it for me. And I just- It's stupid, but we're from the fairytale land and I always wanted a wedding like they have in the stories. So-” Zelena stops for a second. “ will you? Marry me, I mean?”

            There it is. There it _is_.

            Jessica can't breathe. She can't. She thinks back to Chloe, crawling into their bed last night. She thinks back to that man, the one who shot Zelena and sent them on this path. She thinks back to onion rings and Zelena’s hands wrapped around her own as they pulled the darkness out of Emma's soul.

            She thinks back on everything and she knows her answer. She knows it because she also thinks back to when she was young and to when she would wake up to yelling, her mother’s voice thick with tears. She thinks back to when she lived on the castle and Sarah found a door, beautiful, with golden handles and elaborated carvings. She knows her answer because she remembers seeing Regina hidden behind a tree, crying after the Queen found them jumping up and down on the masterful bed that rested on the room behind the door.

            “I’m sorry.” She whispers and she feels it hitting her like a thousand bricks. Feels Zelena’s lungs get empty, feels the confusion settling on the woman's brow. “I love you. So much. But I can't. I can’t.”

            Hazel meets blue and Zelena snaps her gaze away on the next second.

            There is so much silence. So much that even the horns seem to stop sounding.

            “Can I-” The accented voice, the one she wakes up to every morning and whispers stupid things in her ears, the accented voice breaks. “Ask why?”

            No.

_Please_.

            She wants to cry.

            She is already crying, feels the tears sliding down her cheeks quietly and she’s always been a weeper.

            Zelena won’t understand it, Jessica herself can’t fully grasp the reason.

            Besides having seen what being married does to two people.

            Besides not knowing what the word really means, not knowing what’s really the big deal of _marrying_ someone when they already have everything there is to have together.

            “I like our lives how they are.”

            “And becoming wives would make them worse?”

            _Yes_.

            “It’s not that.” She lies. Because the damage is already too great. And they had promised never to lie to one another, never to break that trust they had built. She had been the one to request that rule. “I simply-” Jessica takes a deep breath, holding back the pools on her eyes as best as she can. “don’t believe in it, I guess.”

            “Oh.”

            “Zelena.” She turns to the woman, rests the box on the step behind them, frames the pale face with both her hands. “We live together. We are raising a kid together. I _love you_. With all my heart. And I know you love _me_.” Jess manages a weak smile and the eyes that mesmerize her so much are broken, red around the edges because her soulmate is holding tears of her own. “We’re okay. This is enough.”

            The redhead pulls herself away. Nods shortly.

            “If you say so.”

            Zelena stands, turns around and heads inside.

            And that sixth sense tells her the knot around their hearts is a bit loose.

* * *

 

            One step. Two steps. Three. Four. Big breth. Five. Six. Big breath, don’t let the tears fall. Seven. Eight. Dodge Regina, _keep breathing_. Nine. Ten.

            ( _“We’re okay. This is enough_. _”_ )

            Zelena tries to keep walking. Tries not to stop but her sister is persistent and catches her elbow before she can close the guest bedroom door.

            “What happened?” The brunette asks, softly. Because her face must be a big stupid frown and her heart is big and stupid and

            ( _“I love you. With all my heart_.”)

            “She said no.”

            She shrugs her arm free, turns around, locks the door behind her and how can this be happening? How can she feel so broken when Jessica is still there? When Jessica looked at her and said I love you?

            There was a _but_ waiting.

            That’s why.

            There was a _but_ laying underneath the woman’s words and there hadn’t been _buts_ underneath their _I love you_ ’s since she’d returned home all those years back.

            It shouldn’t hurt that much.

            Not really.

            But it does.

            Fuck.

            It does.

            So she sits dinner out, prepares a bubble bath and tries to relax, tries not to let that pain consume her.

            Jessica loves her.

            Even with the buts.

            Zelena knows that.

            But she had been daydreaming. Since she called Snow White and asked the princess to retrieve the ring from her jewelry box and mail it to her. She had been daydreaming since she sent said ring to a jeweler, asked for the matching replica for Jessica. She had been daydreaming about them, dressed in white, saying their vows (she hates to think it now, but she has half of hers planned already), putting their rings, kissing in front of everyone they hold dear. She would even invite Lizzie, maybe tell the woman about who she truly is.

            And realizing that the plans she had made are now forever that, just plans, is a hard and loud slap on the face.

            So she takes her bath and when the water is almost running cold, when the scent of raspberry from the bubbles already fill the air, Jess opens the door.

            To be fair, it _is_ the bathroom adjacent to _their_ room. And she hadn’t locked that door. Neither had she locked the bedroom door after she went out long enough to steal some of her sister’s bath gels.

            It’s just that now, seeing the woman standing by the sink, looking at her through heavy eyes, it makes her heart rate kick up again. Makes her lower a few extra inches into the tub, covering more of herself because Jessica is the love of her life who doesn’t believe in marriage and the hazel gaze falling on her exposed skin makes her shiver.

            “I fixed you a plate.” Jess’ voice is raspy, like she’s been screaming. _Or crying_.

            Which is probably right.

            “Thanks, but I’m not hungry.”

            “It’s lasagna. Regina made it for us.”

            “I’ll thank her later.”

            “Zelena-”

            “Do you mind? I’m almost finished here.” She wants Jessica away. Just for a while longer. Just until her water is cold and she has no other excuse.

            “I do, actually.” And their eyes meet and she’s shocked, feels the pinch of anger low in her belly. She needs privacy. And Jessica can’t demand anything. “I don’t want to lose you over this.”

            “ _This?_ Oh, you mean me asking you to marry me. And you saying no. Saying that it doesn’t matter.”

            “It matters. I’m flattered. Because I know the concept of marriage. But It’s nothing new for us. It’s nothing that we don’t already have.” Jessica says and walks closer as she talks, kneels beside the tub, leans her elbows on the edge of it.

            “Jessica.”

            “Please. I love you. And I don’t wanna lose you.”

            “I know.” She whispers. Because she does. She knows the woman loves her and she loves Jessica and Zelena doesn’t want to lose her either. But it hurts because her daydreams are just nightmares, now. “I just need time.”

            “Alright.” Her True Love nods, looks at her with something hidden and lowers her head to rest against her palm. “But  promise me you won’t walk away.”

            Zelena raises one of her hands from under the water, rests it on the brunette’s cheek. Because they’ve been together for almost four years, have known each other for five and the shivers the woman’s gaze gave her are forgotten by the closeness.

            “Never.” She whispers again and she feels Jessica’s breath escaping her, hitting Zelena’s flesh like a cold breeze.

            They are messed up and everything in her hurts and Jessica is the reason, but still, even wanting her soulmate out until her bath is done, even needing time, she lets Jess lean in, lock their lips together in a deep kiss.

            It hurts.

            But maybe she was never meant to be away from pain as long as she has managed to.

* * *

 

            She gives time. Zelena asked for it and it is fair enough. Things are strange in the house while they say their goodbyes on the next day.

            Regina is stiff and looks at Jessica with wonder in her eyes. Even Chloe senses there is something off, because she doesn't leave Zelena's lap and cries and cries when the woman sets her down for Jess to hug her.

            “We’ll see you next week baby, it's alright.” She tries to reassure but the girl is having none of it. Chooses to kiss her momma's cheek and then run inside.

            The drive to Storybrooke is silent. Jessica manages to doze off a couple of times but every time she wakes up and sees the same frown on Zelena's brow, it makes her feel worse.

            They arrive home and it is like breathing again. Jessica sets Grinch’s things, water, food, bed.

            Zelena is out of sight.

            And weeks go by.

            They only talk when they need to. About dinner, about picking Chloe up, about the potion Zelena's brewing to make sure Regina's baby won't be in danger upon entering the magic world, the same world that prevented its mother to carry children.

            She gives Zelena the time she asked for.

            But then it’s been a month and she feels like her head is going to explode. So she turns over in bed before they fall asleep. Looks at the woman by her side until the blue gaze shifts from the book they are fixed at and into Jessica's own eyes.

            She leans in. Kisses the woman with intent and Zelena breathes sharply, in shock, but doesn't pull away. Drops the volume she'd been holding instead, buries her fingers on Jessica's hair and _finally_ , _fucking finally_.

            They kiss and kiss and at each minute the kiss gets deeper, hands start to roam and sighs and moans escape.

            She wants to cry of happiness when Zelena drops both palms to Jessica's rear and pulls the brunette on top of her.

            Her thighs slip apart. To straddle the redhead, to provide friction.

            Jessica breaks the kiss long enough to sit up, pull her T-shirt over her head.

            Zelena sits in bed, hands sliding up, up, up until they reach Jess’ waist and then lets them go backwards, meeting at the woman’s back, pulling their bodies closer together.

            They kiss again. It's heated and makes Jessica's heart flutter, makes her bury her fingers on the ginger hair, makes her hold back a smile. The woman mumbles her name when they take a second to breathe and she can't believe how relieved she is. That this is happening, that Zelena is this close to her, is warm and beautiful and flushed in her arms.

            She changes tactics then. Lays her lips on the pink cheek, trails it down until she finds the woman's neck, that point that she's memorized, that point that when she touches just right drives her soulmate mad.

            Jessica feels when Zelena unhooks her sleeping bra, pulls the strings down her shoulders. The redhead’s fingertips dig on the skin of her ribs (beside her breasts, so close, _so close_ ) when Jessica focusses on the dip between the woman’s neck and own shoulder.

            “I love you.” She lets it out. Warm, against Zelena’s skin.

            Jessica trails back to the woman’s face, barely notices that the fingers on her have gone slightly lighter.

            They kiss. Because they are good at it and kissing Zelena makes her insides melt.

            The ginger’s hands drop back down, to the waistband of her pajama shorts. Tug at it half heartedly.

            Jessica doesn’t notice the edginess of the intent.

            Only when she lays her palms on Zelena’s hips, ready to pull out the light blue nightgown that her companion wears, that she feels the small shiver running through the woman’s skin.

            It’s not of anticipation.

            So she stops. Pulls away and their lips make a soft _pop_.

            “You okay?”

            Hazel meets blue.

            Zelena looks confused and Jessica knows what it is.

            “I’m alright.”

            Her soulmate tries.

            Her soulmate slips pale fingers on her shorts once more, tugs another time, motioning for Jessica to come closer again.

            Her soulmate tries but Jess can see it in the crisp blue that looks at her. It isn’t true. Zelena is not alright.

            So she doesn’t budge at the pull, puts a few more inches between them.

            “You’re not.”

            Her soulmate looks away. Her soulmate doesn’t want her. Not after what she’d refused. Her _soulmate_ has a right to.

            Jessica shifts then. Throws her legs over the edge of the bed, meant to go to another room, calm herself down, but only manages to do that: sit, close to Zelena, her bra still unbuckled, her lips still a bit pink.

            Soulmates.

            Bond forever.

            Destined to always find each other.

            _Soulmates_.

            It doesn’t mean much on that moment.

            She is not sure how many moments she spends there, looking at the carpeted floor, her toes curling against the soft cotton. But her head clicks one second, realizes that it isn’t all about her.

            So Jessica looks over to Zelena, right there, but with legs drawn closer to her body. Not in defense, but gaining distance.

            She shifts her hand on the mattress, close enough to catch the redhead’s attention.

            “We’re okay.”

            She says.

            Manages to buckle her bra.

            To stand.

            Walk to the bathroom.

            Turn the lamp on.

            Let a deep, long wet sigh leave her lips.

            And the door shuts close with a _click_.

* * *

 

            Zelena doesn’t really mean to push Jessica away.

            Not really.

            Yeah, sure, she’s hurt. She has the right to, in some level. But she can’t stay like that forever because the brunette is trying to get them through this path. So Zelena never meant to flinch when Jess touched her shoulder. Zelena never meant to avert her gaze when Chloe asked to go to the park and Jessica liked the idea and brown met blue. She didn’t mean to look away.

            She didn’t really mean to push the woman away.

            She doesn’t really mean to push the woman away.

            But somehow, she does.

            When Robin calls in the middle of the night, tells her the baby is there, her hand stills inches from touching Jessica’s arm, nudging her soulmate awake. As she hangs up the phone, she considers taking a moment to at least start putting on her clothes, get a chance to leave the room before they can exchange too many words.

            If it had only been about her, maybe she would have done it. It was about Regina, though. And out of everything, the bond between her sister and her girlfriend was something she didn’t dare to tamper with.

            So she wakes Jessica up and they manage to get to New York the fastest they can, the Charming family and Hook right on their heels.

            When Zelena sees her niece, she forgets about her heartache. She forgets about _no’s_ and ring boxes hidden deep in a drawer.

            When she sees Helena for the first time, her sister allows her to pick the tiny bundle up. When she sees the girl for the first time, she doesn’t flinch when Jessica leans into her from behind, peeks over her shoulder at the infant.

            The spell fades as soon as they are forced by their work schedules to leave.

            She doesn’t mean to push the woman away.

            (But somehow, she does)

            Robin, Regina, baby Helena and Roland come home fourteen days later, Chloe staying with Zelena for two consecutive week, all adults agreeing that it would be easier on both sides.

            People in town throw a party in honor of the Queen’s return and the new princess.

            (She doesn’t really get that part, for all her sister has done and caused, the Enchanted folk still believe Regina to be their Queen).

            It is only when Jessica emerges from the room, clad in a yellow dress, a respectable v neck and a tight waist the only thing clinging to the woman’s silhouette, that Zelena takes a double look at her _girlfriend_.

            It makes her heart leap.

            So she compliments the brunette and is dismissed.

            And as much as she has a right to be hurt, it’s been long enough for Jessica to have a right to be mad.

            They don’t hold hands as they walk there and Chloe asks why.

            Zelena recalls previous years, when Jess squeezed her fingers and pointed at something down the street. Usually someone falling or a creature attacking a citizen or simply a flower blooming.

            She tells her daughter that they just had forgotten about it and dutifully presses her palm against Jessica’s.

            “I’m going to get a drink.” The brunette says halfway through the evening, their conversation slowing to nonexistent when Tinkerbell is called away by Blue.

            Zelena means to say something, catch a smile out of those lips she refuses to kiss. But she doesn’t because she doesn’t mean to push the woman away, but somehow, she does.

            And then Regina comes over, grants her hold of Helena, asleep despite of noise and heavy on her mother’s arms.

            It distracts her.

            Until Regina asks where Jess is and she notices that it’s been an hour and a drink doesn’t take that much to be made, not even at Granny’s. _Specially_ at Granny’s.

            Her eyes roam the place.

            Slip past Chloe on her father’s hold, little hands playing with the man’s beard.

            Slip past Snow and Maleficent and Leroy talking.

            Past Ruby and Dorothy making out in the corner.

            And focus on the bright yellow spot.

            Leaning against the bar, laughing hard (head thrown back, one hand over her heart, the other holding her beverage) while a blonde stranger smirks at her.

            Zelena doesn’t look away when Jessica squeezes the pale arm of the blonde a second later. She never meant to push the woman _that_  far away.

            But she is on the verge of seeing green, a kind of jealousy stronger than she ever felt for her sister climbing inside her chest, twisting and twisting and twisting until she feels the acute pain of that string around her heart strangling her blood flow.

            Zelena passes her niece over to Regina, the younger Mills calling her name in warning.

            “I’m sorry.”

            She says it as she stands up and she doesn’t know if it is to her sister or to herself or to Jess or to whomever it is that decided that Jessica and her were soulmates.

* * *

 

            As Jessica pulls the zipper of her dress closed, she looks at herself in the mirror. She's lost weight again. Not that much, not enough for too many people to pay attention, but enough for her clavicle to show more and her cheekbones to look a bit more sharp.

            She doesn't blame Zelena. Their relationship is hard, but she is the one who forgets to eat, who chooses not to when she tries to busy herself and prevent her mind to go overboard.

            Jess knows she lost weight, and she's going to fix it. She just needs to find the strength to.

            When she walks out of the bedroom, Jessica notices how Zelena takes a double look at her, hears as the redhead says she looks stunning.

            She only nods.

            She can't take it anymore, this thing they have going on. Where Zelena is hurt and pushes her away and doesn't kiss her and doesn't laugh at her jokes and is there, but never completely.

            When Chloe notes that their hands aren't laced together, she flinches. When the paler palm presses against her own, she bites her lip not to pull away.

            Zelena is hurt, and she knows that if she said yes, if she said _I do_ , she would have her soulmate back. But there's a little voice. Dark, twisted, convincing, that tells her it won't work. That things will get worse. That her life will be black and sad and filled with resentment.

            She doesn't want to resent the greatest love she’s ever known.

            But it isn’t fair.

            It feels like they are going in circles.

            So Jessica is stuck, but puts on a bright smile and makes conversation with Tink when the fairy is close enough.

            It lasts them a bit.

            And when her hand starts to feel sweaty, she finds it a good reason to let go.

            “Tinkerbell, may I have a word with you?”

            Her distraction is called away by Blue, pleasent smile and perfect posture on point as the Mother Superior waits for the blonde to reach her.

            “Always off putting, that woman.” Jess mumbles and Zelena doesn’t quite catch it.

            “Excuse me?”

            “Nothing.” She shakes her head.

            Her fingertips knock against the table to the rhythm of the song coming from the junkbox and it must be Henry’s doing, this selection that’s been playing all night, because it is fitting and soothing and if anything, the boy and her share a taste in music.

            When the tune changes, she’s tired of the weird tension, so

            “I’m going to get a drink.”

            Jessica gives Zelena a couple of seconds, looks into the blue eyes, half expecting the redhead to make a smart comment, but when her companion only nods, she stands and walks to the bar.

            Granny has a frown, eyes fixed on her granddaughter on the corner of a booth, arms wrapped around Dorothy.

            “Come on, they seem happy.” She tries because Granny Lucas is reasonable and understanding, even if reluctant to mingle with Zelena.

            “Happy and not afraid to show the world, that is.”

            “They are in love, it’s normal.”

            “Oh, I’m glad she’s found someone else to torment.” Jessica chuckles (the first time that evening), the older woman carries on as if it didn’t happen. “But they insist on _always_ doing it here. There are four bedrooms upstairs.”

            “I think you better not tell them that, you might lose one of your rooms.”

            The old wolf stops at that. Meets her eyes and Jessica laughs at seeing as dread slowly covers Granny’s face.

            “They can keep the booth.” The woman grows, pinches the bridge of her nose for a second. “Anyway, what do you want?”

            “A Negroni.”

            “You sure? Never seen you drink more than wine.”

            “Just one, then I’m cutting myself off.” She promises and the woman complies because, wanting or not, they get along.

            She waits, sits on a stool and tries to distract herself with her phone.

            “Excuse me, do you know where the menu is?”

            “Ah, there used to be one, but after the last attack, Granny just gave up on them.” Jessica turns to the one who spoke, a blonde (the place is filled with them tonight). Beautiful, but unknown. So she restrains herself not to frown.

            “And how are we supposed to know what to order?”

            “Most of us have it memorized.”

            The blonde is definitely new.

            Jess doesn’t know how, but she has half her mind made up to call David over.

            “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m not used to the small town thing quite yet.”

            “You’re not from Storybrooke?”

            “No, not really.”

            She is stupid. An idiot, really. She mentioned attacks. Fucking _attacks_. What the hell must that sound like to an outsider?

            “I’m from the Enchanted Forest, but I’ve been living on this realm for a while.”

            Jessica breathes at that.

            The woman may not be used to the restaurant, but she is used to the troubles of magic.

            “So you escaped the curse?”

            “We’re out of Campari.” Granny interrupts, sets a glass of wine in front of Jess and she sighs, looks over the old lady's shoulder and stares at the brand new bottle of said drink.

            “I can handle my alcohol.”

            “Not since I’ve met you, you can’t.

            “You’ve never seen me with any hard liquor.”

            “Exactly.”

            She’s worked for the older woman before, so she knows better than to keep arguing.

            Jess sips her drink as Granny moves over to the new-comer, eyes untrusting and hands set on hips.

            “I’ll have the same as her, thank you.”

            “Hm.” Widow Lucas serves the drink, takes another look at the stranger and leaves the counter, probably heading for her granddaughter.

            “I think you can almost be considered a Storybrooke citizen now.” Jessica keeps her wine in one hand, knows the liquid won’t give her the burn she seeks, but needs something to keep her hands busy.

            “Oh, so there is a initiation process?”

            “Kinda. First you get a through and through with Granny. Then a cold welcome from Regina.”

            “If those are the only steps, I _am_ a citizen, then.”

            “So you’ve already met our _Queen_.”

            The word leaves her with petulance, like it would have sounded years ago, when she and Sarah and Regina ran around the yards, when she would yell for the oldest brunette to come catch them.

            _(“Let’s see if you’re fast, Queen.”)_

            “Well, yes. I _should have been_ her daughter’s aunt, after all.”

            “What?!” It’s louder than she expected, louder than she intended, and luckily she hadn’t taken another sip of her drink, because she would have spilled. For sure. “What are you talking about?”

            Not another Mills sister.

            Please, God.

            Not another one.

            They don’t need any more family secrets.

            “I guess I should have introduced myself first?” The blonde smiles shily. It makes Jessica’s cheeks burn. Because the woman smiles and takes a quick glance at Jess’ own lips. “I’m Caroline, Daniel’s sister.”

            Her mouth hangs open for a bit.

            Because the little she’d known about Regina’s first love, never had she heard about his family, let alone a sibling the former queen was still in touch with.

            Ok.

            Wow

            “Ah- I’m sorry. I’m Jessica.”

            She shakes her head, extends her free hand for Caroline to squeeze and the contact is strong, confident.

            Jessica feels the need to go back to her table, ask if Zelena knew about this, ask if the redhead had kept this to herself. But she doesn’t. Because the blonde starts to explain her situation and Jess sees herself stuck, completive. And she doesn’t notice time tick by.

            Caroline says that, long story short, after Cora killed her brother, the woman sent her to this realm, cursed her so the years meant not much but months to her aging and she’d be forced to endure a lifelong lesson: love is weakness.

            She says that she spotted Regina, big and cranky, on the hospital she worked at and, despite everything, her heart had filled with happiness.

            “So you’ve been here for a long time, then?”

            “Gosh, yes. Regy was still a girl”

            “Well, welcome to the weird-age club.”

            Caroline chuckles, they clink their glasses and she really should go back, but the blonde smiles at her and looks into her eyes. So she stays glued to her seat as they change subjects, start to talk about the fashion in this world and corsets and it surprises her that there finally is someone else besides her little cocoon of friends that match her sense of humor, because Jessica laughs more than she has become used to in the last few months.

            She knows, deep down, that she should be back at her booth, with Zelena, with her soulmate, probably scolding Regina for not telling them about the new addition the relatives.

            She's fully aware of everything, but Jessica still stays where she is, still laughs and talks and distracts herself. It's been so long since she's had a real conversation.

            That's what goes through her mind when she feels a hand on her waist, a kiss on her cheek and Zelena's smell swips all around her.

            “Did you get lost?” The voice is soft, but she hears the underlines, hears the anger. So she turns a bit, rests her palm atop the redhead's.

            “Sorry, didn't notice time go by.” She lies. Another one. It seems the longer they stay in this passive aggressive mood, the more used to lying she becomes.” Zelena, this is Caroline, Daniel's sister. Carol, this is Zelena. Regina's sister.”

            The fingers under her own flex and Jessica understands what she’s said immediately, knows she screw up.

            The blonde smiles, nods and Jess knows, she knows her soulmate doesn't smile back.

            “Can I talk to my girlfriend alone for a moment?” The accent is thick, Zelena sounds cold.

            Poor Caroline. Is forced to stand up, walk away by the blue gaze that surely pins her down.

            “Was that necessary?” Jessica says it, tiredly, as she turns around. Because as soon as Carol is far enough, Zelena lets go, crosses her arms.

            “You left me alone for almost an hour.”

            “Sorry, didn’t know it’d been that long.”

            “Don’t lie.”

            “I’m not.”

            (She is.)

            “ _Carol?_ ”

            “What?”

            “You _just_ met her and you have a nickname?”

            “I wasn’t really thinking about it. Zelena, can we not do this here?”

            People are staring, she sees Regina walking towards them over the redhead’s shoulder.

            “Do what?”

            “Don’t.”

            “Don’t?”

            “Oh my God.”

            “Hey, is everything okay?” The brunette arrives by their side, eyes soft, Helena shifting in her arms.

            “I think I’ll head home, I’m not feeling that great.” Jessica says it and Zelena scoffs and Regina sighs. “Is that okay?”

            “Only if you take me with you.” The youngest Mills mumbles, closes her eyes for a moment as Snow calls her name from the other side of the room. “Have a good night.”

            Regina kisses her cheek, allows her to do the same to the newborn.

            “I’m gonna kiss this girl again. Let me just grab my coat and say bye to Chlo.”

            She walks and she doesn’t pay attention to her _girlfriend_. Jessica swings her daughter up from the ground, tosses her in the air before hugging her close.

            “‘Night, Momma.”

            “Nighty night, my princess.”

            “Sleep tight.”

            “And don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

            When she goes back to her foster sister, Jessica nuzzles Helena’s little nose before dropping her lips on the tiny forehead as a last goodbye.

            “See you at home?” Jess tries for the sake of it, because Regina is right there.

            “I’m coming too.” Zelena replies and only then does she notice the woman’s own overcoat already thrown over her back.

            “Please, try not to go too heavy at it.” Regina begs her as it is the redhead’s turn to bit their daughter farewell.

            “I can’t promise anything.”

            And she feels the sting in her eyes as she says it, as they walk home, hands shoved deep in their pockets, wind coldly unforgiving.

            Jessica doesn’t know how long it takes them to pick the fight back up. Maybe she is the one who lights the fire, by mumbling something or by snapping. Maybe it its Zelena.

            She just isn’t sure.

            But when they start, the first clear phrase that hits her, is when they are in the living room, while she kicks off her shoes, while Zelena starts to take her earrings off.

            “You should have stuck by me tonight.”

            “Sorry?”

            “People were starring.”

            “Since when do you care?”

            “It was weird, Jessica. That’s all I’m saying.”

            “That shouldn’t be new.”

            It’s a whisper as they start climbing the stairs.

            “Excuse me?”

            “Weird pretty much sums the last few months.”

            “ _Really?_ ” Zelena chuckles and it is accid and it crawls under her skin.

            “Yes, really. Actually, I don’t think weird is even good enough.”

            “Oh, at least it’s not only me.”

            They get into their bedroom. But she stops short and the woman knocks into her.

            “You know what? It’s not my damn fault. I’m done with you trying to make me feel guilty. I’m done with feeling guilty. You wanna talk, Zelena? I’m right here. I’ve been bending myself backwards to make it right. But you won’t let me. So don’t patronize this. Don’t make it look like something just went off. Because it didn’t. I said no and you pushed me away. Consciously.”

            “You said no because you _didn’t believe in it_. Do you think I’m that stupid? Do you think that I don’t know? When you’re lying to me? Like today? When you said time slipped by? Do you think that after so long, I don’t know you?”

            “Maybe. Maybe you do. But you sure as hell don’t trust me.”

            Jessica turns around. Fuming. Hurting. Wanting to disappear and explode at the same time.

            “It’s not you that I don’t trust. It’s life. Things are never easy for me. Things don’t go smoothly. Not ever. I don’t know why I thought that with you, that phase had already passed.”

            “Zelena.” She just wants to go back. To before the proposal. To before the other shoe had dropped. To when she woke up with red locks tickling her nose. To when Zelena barged into the bathroom as she showered, mad at someone from work, pacing the wet floor as she washed her hair.

            She wants to go back to when she was happy and her life was good and when she adored her situation so much that she wanted to run.

            Jessica wants to go back, but she isn’t sure how.

            “I look at you and I see _no_. I see that fucking ring on that fucking step.”

            “I can’t do it.”

            “Why?”

            “For fuck’s sake! We have a house together, a system, a song, a tv show, a dog. We have a _daughter_ together and I can’t give you more than that.”

            “No, we don’t! _I_ have a daughter. _Robin_ has a daughter. You were around.”

            She wants to go back but at that very second, she wants to go back to when she said the woman could stay in her apartment. She wants to go back to when she heard the gunshot and took matters into her own hands.

            Jessica wants to go back, but in that moment, as the broken call of her name leaves Zelena’s lips (regretfully, sorry, she hears the plea of forgiveness on the way the redhead steps closer), as she feels the ground shaking under her, in that moment she turns around, goes to the next room, closes the door and her lungs are quick under her ribs and the tears are so fast that she can’t really think, can’t really feel anything aside from the tightness on her throat and the acute ache of her heart.

            (Are feelings really kept there?

            She truly wishes that they aren’t.)

* * *

 

            She’d forgotten the fucking curtains open.

            That’s what Zelena thinks as the sunshine hits her face and makes her squirt. Her head is throbbing and the muscles around her eyes feel stiff.

            She turns over, away from the light, away from the thing causing her headache to worsen. Closer to Jessica, to her warmth, to her smell.

            But the other side of the bed is empty and it all crashes down on her at once.

            Her skin is stiff from crying.

            Her head is throbbing from crying.

            She cried so much.

            She regretted what she’d said so much.

            And words can’t be taken back.

            There are spells to erase memory, but not to unmake a mistake.

            Zelena forces her eyes open, looks at the pillow beside her own and if she wasn’t all out of tears, she would cry some more.

            The blanket over her shoulders falls a bit and she doesn’t have the energy to pull it back up. It wasn’t there when she fell asleep and she knows Jess is responsible for covering her up. Can almost see her soulmate, her caring, loving, broken girlfriend unfolding the cloth and dropping it over her slumped form.

            “Please.”

            It leaves her mouth and she still stares at the pillow.

            _Please forgive me_.

            _Please, don’t go_.

            She forces herself up after a few more minutes. Forces her legs over the edge of the mattress, into her slippers. Forces her arms into the holes of her robe, forces her idiot self down the stairs, into the kitchen.

            Zelena half expects Jessica to be there, Chloe on her hip, hair in a messy bun as the microwave beeps their warm milk ready.

            The room is quiet and cold and it doesn’t seem have been stirred for a while.

            The food she prepares is not good. She doesn’t bother with anything to drink.

            When time comes for her to go to her sister, to help settle the mansion back up as she promised, Zelena notices their car keys are gone.

            Panic takes hold of her chest.

            Because Jessica might actually have left her and

            _please don’t leave_

She tries not to rush to their bedroom, to walk there, but it is of no use.

            It doesn’t seem too different from when she had allowed herself to lay down except for the dress Jessica had worn the night before, thrown, discarded carelessly over a chair.

            Jess’ closet is still filled.

            So she swallows the panic and the pain and the unsettlement.

            Zelena doesn’t have any more tears to cry.

            She puffs herself into her sister’s doorsteps, not really feeling like walking, seeing people, being nice to anyone she doesn’t actually like.

            When Regina opens the door, looks behind her, searching for Jess, she feels the bite on her eyes. But no liquid leaks.

            “What happened?”

            The brunette closes the door behind herself and Zelena notices it is the first time she’s seen her sister on a different room from Helena since the day her niece was born.

            “I messed up.”

            _Messed up_.

            Hilarious, really.

            Because it is too light to describe what she said.

            It’s too light to describe what she saw on Jessica’s eyes.

            “How do you mean?”

            Zelena doesn’t really want to talk about it. She hasn’t slept that much. It was late when they got home. Later when she managed to stop the tears. And she misses Jessica like their relationship is already over, like the woman is gone.

            “I said some, uhm, bad things.” She looks away because the brown eyes staring at her are too worried, too kind and she doesn’t deserve kindness.

            ( _Doesn’t deserve a soulmate_ )

            “You fought. We always say things we regret.”

            “I said Chloe wasn’t her daughter.”

            Regina is taken back. Zelena can see it by the corner of her vision and her focus turn back her younger sister at that. Because she doesn’t deserve kindness, but she deserves a scolding.

            “Zelena.” It’s a sigh and it hits her and she should cry, she wants too, feels like there is more she should let out, but there are no more tears left. “That’s hard.”

            “Tell me about it.”

            “You’re an idiot.”

            “I know.”

            “I’ve never seen a honeymoon phase last so long.”

            “What?”

            “You two have been completely mad for each other since you got back together. All relationships have that, but eventually, it stabilizes. Yours didn’t.“

            “Funny. That’s probably why she said no to marrying me.”

“What did she tell you about it?”

            “She doesn’t believe in marriages.”

            Another sigh. And Regina crosses her arms then, looks a bit sad.

            “I’m not sure of anything, but I don’t think her parents were that happy together, Z.”

            “Why do you think that?”

            Her heart leaps.

            She’d thought Jessica selfish, a liar. Zelena never thought that there might actually be a reason behind it.

            “Just the way she wouldn’t talk about them together when she got to the castle. I’m not certain, Jess and I have always had this silent thing.”

            “I know.”

            “And truthfully, when Leopold would eventually come up- I wasn’t always as subtle to hide my feelings.”

            And then her sister looks guilty and she can’t have that, the brunette hasn’t done anything on purpose

            So she extends her hand, squeezes Regina’s elbow softly.

            “I’ll figure it out, sis.”

            “I don’t want to see you apart.”

            She chuckles. And she does feel moisture on her eyelids.

            Because it might actually be too late for that.

            “Mommy!” Chloe appears from somewhere behind them, crashes into her legs and as she bents to wrap her arms around the girl, Zelena feels the sunshine on her face once more.

            It doesn’t warm her quite as much as her daughter does.

* * *

 

            Jessica is not a great driver. She knows that. Most of her friends know that too. Chloe knows that too.

            (“ _We have a daughter together.”_

_“No, we don’t!”_ )

            But the house is suffocating when she finally manages to stop her sobs.

            So she gets into the bedroom to change into something other than the dress she still wears.

            She’s not quite ready to face Zelena, still feels her heart aching with the thought of her name. But Jessica wants to get out, so she pushes the door open slowly, eyes casted low.

            The redhead is passed out on their bed.

            Face red, legs drawn up towards her chest, uncovered, exposed to the wind coming from the open window.

            It breaks her heart.

            ( _“Zelena, stop it.” She laughs but the fingers on her waist still tickle, the legs straddling her stay firm. So she changes tactics. Sits up, cradles the woman’s neck. Kisses her deeply and with the soft moan that leaves her soulmate, the hands on her still.)_

            Jessica should be prouder, truthfully. Should let the pale skin shiver from the cold.

            But she doesn’t, because she isn’t.

            So she gets the spare blanket from the cabinet, unfolds it, drops it over _her girlfriend_.

            (What are they to each other, now?)

            She’s never been a good driver, but her hands are steady on the wheels as the car goes past the Storybrooke sign.

            Jess drives and drives and she doesn’t stop, doesn’t mind the blackness of the night. Tries not to cry as the sky turns red with the first rays of the morning. Red.

            _Zelena_.

            ( _“You're it for me. And I just- It's stupid, but we're from the fairytale land and I always wanted a wedding like they have in the stories. So-” Zelena stops for a second. “ will you? Marry me, I mean?”)_

She isn’t quite sure how she finds out the road back to Boston, but when her clock shows 9:30, she parks in front of the cemetery.

            So her feet carry her through the gravestones, her eyes searching, her hands twisting in her pockets. When she finds them, she can’t breathe.

            They are side by side, cared for, bright grey.

            _Christopher Barn_

_Trinna Barn_

_Beloved father and friend_

_Beloved mother and friend_

When her parents died, she was only allowed to go to their burying.

            She’d held Tom as he cried.

            Jessica didn’t muster a tear.

            However, as her fingers graze the stones, her vision gets foggy, her lips tremble.

            She misses them.

            Misses the way her mother would teach her about cooking.

            Misses the way her dad would dance with her after dinner.

            She misses them, but not together.

            Jessica doesn’t miss the way they would scream, the way her mother would lock herself on Tom’s room, the boy doomed to spend the night on his sister’s bed as the teen had to sleep on the couch. She doesn’t miss the way her dad would drink himself into oblivion. She doesn’t miss the way she had to sooth his own drunken crying.

            She misses her parents, but not together.

            Jess kneels down, hand against her mom’s name.

            “Why did you marry him?”

            ( _“Christopher, I’m not doing this again!”_ )

            “Why did you put us through it?”

            ( _“Jessy, take Tom outside.”_ )

            “Why didn’t you leave?”

            (“ _We can’t go back now. It’s been too long.”_

_“Go back where, daddy?”_

_“Nowhere, baby. Go get daddy his whiskey, will you?”)_

She wants to know what to do.

            She’s tired of talking to old ghosts, carrying old memories.

            Sarah, Tom, now mom, dad.

            She wants to say yes, she wants to put that blue-stoned ring on her finger.

            Wants to see Zelena in white and keep living.

            But her parents screamed and her mom locked her brother out and her dad drank and cried.

            Jessica wants to make her soulmate smile, wants to see Chloe as their flower girl.

            _Chloe._

            Thinking about her little girl, about the little person who crawled into her lap during movies, who called her _Momma_ because it was special, just for her. Different from Mommy, like she called Zelena. Different from Buba, like she called Regina.

            _Momma_.

            How can Chloe not be her daughter?

            How can that beautiful soul not be a part of her?

            How?

            How can that be?

            She sniffs and stands up and looks on.

            “Why did you go?”

            This time, she whispers it.

            And maybe she’s going mad, but she feels her mother’s perfume on the breeze and something makes her turn around, something makes her wipe away her tears.

            Jess is glad she does.

            Because she sees a man, mid-forties, hair almost the same color as hers. Hand holding a child’s. And he stares at her from where he stands, some yards away.

            She knows who he is.

            Because faith is a bitch and it is just her luck, to meet with her brother by their parents grave.

            “Daddy, who is she?”

            The little boy by Tom’s side has the same voice as his father at that age. It brings her back.

            (“ _Why do they fight, Jessy?”)_

            “Bryan, why don’t you go back to mom?”

            “K.”

            Her heartbeat kicks up as the kid runs away and Tom steps closer.

            “I’m sorry, but who are you?”

            “Uhm.” Her mind is blank and _fucking great_. “I’m Jenna.”

            “And did you know my parents?”

            “A long time ago.”

            “They were already dead back then.”

            He’s cold and she doesn’t have a right to wonder why. She doesn’t know who he grew up to be.

            “My looks deceive my age.”

            She tries.

            But he doesn’t seem convinced.

            “Really?”

            “Yeah. But I’ll leave you to them.”

            Jessica smiles lightly.

            And her heart rate slows down the closer she gets to her car.

            She goes as far as putting on her seatbelt and the key into the ignition. She doesn’t go as far as turning the vehicle on.

            She doesn’t know how long she stays there. Hands on knees, eyes on the wheel.

            She wants to say yes.

            How come Chloe is not her daughter?

            She misses her parents, but not together.

            A knock on the window startles her and when her gaze moves to where the noise came from, the eyes that look at her are like her own.

            “I know who you are.”

            Tom says it when she lowers the glass enough.

            “Excuse me?”

            “I know who you are, Jessica.”

            Where has all the air gone to?

            “Ah-”

            “And I know where we came from. I know where you’ve been all this time. And I never want to see you back here again.”

            “Tom-”

            “You never came back when I needed you to, so I’ll be damned if you barge into my life now.”

            “I’m sorry.”

            His eyes soften and she sees the age on his face. Her little brother looks older than she does.

            “I have a family. I have to think about them.”

            She understands and it is his right and how does he know?

            Jess has no right to ask.

            “Are you married?”

            “Yes.”

            “Why?”

            “Because I love her.”

            “Do you remember mom and dad?”

            “Yes.”

            “Is it like that, with your wife?”

            “Mom and dad got married because they had no one else. My wife is the love of my life.”

            Jessica nods. Turns the car on.

            She wants to say that she should have come back to him. But she can’t. Because then, then she wouldn’t have Regina and Chloe and Zelena.

            (She isn’t sure what Zelena is anymore)

            “I never stopped thinking about you.”

            “I know.”

            “I’m sorry, Tommy.”

            “Me too.”

            She drives away.

            And she wants to say I do and put on a white dress and kiss Zelena as her wife. She wants to call Chloe her daughter and she wants to forgive herself for what she’s done to her brother.

            She keeps on driving and she doesn’t stop.

_(“For fuck’s sake! We have a house together, a system, a song, a tv show, a dog. We have a daughter together and I can’t give you more than that.”_

_“No, we don’t! I have a daughter. Robin has a daughter. You were around.”)_

            Jessica wants to be happy.

            She wants Chloe to be their flower girl.

            She wants to wear that blue-stoned ring on her finger

            ( _“I just want to go, Zelena. Get out of this town. With you.”)_

Jess turns the radio on midway through the trip and it doesn’t help much. The first thing it plays is a sad song. Then a break while they advertize a tv show. _Their tv show_.

            When she turns into the last road, when she sees Storybrooke’s welcome sign, her phone vibrates.

            She spares it a quick glance.

            _Zelena_.

            And Jessica has never been a great driver. She knows it. Her friends know it.

            So when her phone rings and she takes a quick glance and her eyes fill with tears, she’s not quick enough to get rid of them.

            She’s not quick enough to take control of the car.

            And the tree is proud and strong in front of her in a mere second. And she has never been a great driver and as the vehicle crashes, her head hits the steering wheel and her world is black.

* * *

             “Mommy, I wanna show you somethin’.”

            Zelena wipes her brow with the back of her hand, steps down from the ladder, the bookcase finally free of dust. She looks over to her daughter and finds eyes that match her own.

            “What is it, munchkin?”

            “It’s a secret.”

            “What kind of secret?”

            She sits down on the floor, notices how the girl has her hands cupped together.

            “A good one.”

            “Show me, then.” She smiles because when everything else fails, the love she feels for this child is her lifeline.

            Chloe steps closer, sits on her lap.

            When the girl unfolds her palms, Zelena sees the fistful of earth there.

            “Can you hold it?”

            “I think Buba won’t be happy if we get dirt on the living room, sweetheart.”

            “We’ll clean it.”

            “Alright.”

            She holds the earth her daughter asked her to and when the girl leans over, starts whispering to the soil in a language Zelena does not understand, she frowns.

            “Chlo?” Her daughter doesn’t answer, only straightens herself, leans against her mother once again. “Chloe?”

            “Look, mommy.” The girl points and it takes her breath away, seeing the dirt she holds vibrate green, green, green and then a sprout growing from amidst the brown.

            “Baby, that’s amazing.”

            Her princess is good.

            Has good magic, makes things grow, come to life.

            “I learned it yesterday.”

            “I’m so proud of you, Chloe. My little green sprout.”

            She kisses her daughter’s cheek and little nose and the girl giggles, lays a palm on her face, pushes her away.

            “Mommy!”

            Zelena uses her free hand to wave over the bud, make sure the dirt doesn’t leak into the floor because her sister _won’t_ be pleased if that happens.

            “Did you show daddy?”

            “No.”

            “Wanna go do it?”

            “Can we wait for momma? I wanna show her too.”

            _Momma_

            Jess.

            Her heart clenches but she keeps her smile.

            “Of course.”

            “When is she coming back?”

            “I’m not sure baby.”

            “Where did she go?”

            “She had some things to take care of.”

            “Oh.”

            “Why don’t you go put this in the garden and I call her?”

            “Alright.”

            Chloe goes and Zelena shouldn’t really make the call, but she is selfish, right then, she is selfish, and she wants to hear Jessica’s voice. So she dials the number she has memorized, brings the phone to her ear. Waits.

            It rings and rings and rings and then goes to voicemail.

            She hangs up.

            “What are you doing on the ground?”

            Henry descends the stairs, frown set and smirk shining.

            “Chloe was showing me something.”

            She waves the teen off, stands up.

            He distracts her for a while, tells her about this history of taxidermy paper he is writing for school while they set up the rest of the room.

            Twenty minutes later, the landline rings and the boy stops momentarily to answer it. He turns his back fully to her as he listens to the person on the phone.

            “Yeah, I’ll tell her. Can you call Emma as well? Tell her to go there? Maybe bring an ambulance as well?”

            Her ears sharpen at that. Zelena pays more attention and the teen seems disturbed.

            “Alright, thanks Little John.”

            “Ambulance?”

            “Someone hit their car close to the town line. Little John called to let mom know.”

            “Oh.”

            “I better go tell her.”

            “Yeah.”

            There is something unsettling about Henry’s posture, about his voice. Like he is hiding something, trying to keep himself strong.

            She tries not to be too worried about it, knows her nephew has a heart that is too big for his own good.

            But then, when she hears a commotion on the kitchen after the boy goes there, when she sees Robin slipping outside, calling Chloe, Roland, when Regina comes to her, eyes careful and chest in heavy breaths, Zelena feels her stomach sinking.

            “What aren’t you telling me?”

            “It was your car that they found.”

            Her throat is tight.

            “Jess?”

            “She was passed out.”

            She’s so proud of Chloe.

            For being good.

            For being what Zelena cannot.

            For making things grow when she can only bring damage.

* * *

 

            The voices are the first things she hears. Men. All around her, mumbling, shouting.

            Then, she feels a hand on her neck.

            Not really a hand, two fingers actually.

            Pulse.

            The person is checking her pulse.

            Her head aches in a way she has never experienced before. Her spine screams in protest as she tries to face the other side. Away from the noise, away from the hand.

            “Jessica, I need you not to move right now.”

            Swan.

            Emma.

            She opens her eyes.

            Slowly, because her head feels like it might split apart.

            _What happened?_

            She wants to ask, but her mouth feels dry.

            “You hit your car coming back in town. We are going to take you out in just a bit.

            “How long- ?” Her mouth feels dry but she mumbles and she can barely notice it, but she’s sure the blonde smiles.

            “The Merry men were camping near by. Heard it just as it happened and called it in.”

            She wants to nod, but her spine hurts and her neck hurts and she wants to sleep.

            “It hurts.”

            “What does?”

            “My head.”

            “Well, it seems like you went forward during the crash and bumped into your wheel pretty hard, so that was to be expected.”

            Jessica wants to sleep, buts she knows she probably has a concussion, knows that going under is the worst she can do. So Emma keeps talking to her and she keeps answering.

            _What’s your favorite color?_

            Someone puts a neck brace on her, stabilizing.

            _Green_.

            Someone cuts her seatbelt off.

            _How old is Chloe?_

She’s placed on a gurney.

            _Almost five._

            The ambulance starts moving, the paramedics check her vitals.

            _Where do you like to go?_

            Her head aches.

            _The waterfall._

_Which one?_

_The one Regina and I made._

            When they get to the hospital, she can open her eyes fully.

            Whale is frowning as he checks her over, asks for exams.

            “I’m tired of seeing you around here.”

            “I haven’t been here in years.”

            “Too many times, for my liking.”

            “Don’t be an asshole.”

            “I’m just taking care of you.”

            “I know.”

            “What do you feel?”

            She’s placed on another gurney, Emma stays behind and the man rolls her into the exam room.

            “Headache, some tenderness on my neck. My lip is split.”

            “That’s all?”

            He pulls her eyelid up, passes his pen light over her iris.

            “Yeah.”

            “What do you think it is?”

            “Concussion, probably.”

            “You’ve always been a bad driver.”

            “I know.”

            It goes by in a blur.

            The tests, the IV bag, the all clear from Whale.

            Regina appears just as Emma helps her sit up.

“Oh, you’re okay.”

            “A bit sore, that’s all.”

            “What happened?”

            The brunette kisses her forehead and it is weird, makes her chuckle because she never thought she’d see the day the former queen would show love in public.

            For someone other than her children, of course.

            “Lost control of the wheel.”

            “And?”

            “A mild concussion from the crash and a split lip.”

            “You’re never driving again, you know that, right?”

            “Yeah, mom.”

            “Don’t be a smartass, save your energies.

            She chuckles once more.     

            “Jessica.”

            She doesn’t turn at the voice.

            Because she knows the accent and the pain and her heart clenches.

            When Zelena is close enough, she feels a hand on her own.

            She pulls away.

            “Where did you go?”

            “Boston.”

            “Why? I needed to talk to you.”

            Hazel meets blue then.

            And all the pain and the wonder she feels turn into anger. Momentarily, but hotly.

            “What is there to talk about?”

            “Jess.” The blue eyes are wet and Jessica can’t handle it. Not right now, not when her head is just beginning to stop pounding.

            “We share a soul, Zelena, and that’s still not enough for you.”

            She hears the gasp, sees the pale shoulders fall.

            Regina excuses herself.

            So does Emma.

            “It is enough.”

            “If it was, you would have believed me when I said I couldn’t give you more.”

            “It felt like I was losing you.”

            And that momentary hot anger fades.

            And there is no pain or wonder.

            Just sadness.

            “I think we just lost each other.”

            Zelena sits by her hip then. Sighs.

            Jessica looks at her soulmate.

            Hair in a ponytail, tshirt and yoga pants. Eyes sad and cheeks pink.

            “I’m sorry about what I said.”

            “We’ve said so much shit these past few days.”

            “About Chloe.”

            _Chloe_.

            Her daughter.

            ( _How come Chloe is not her daughter?)_

“Did you mean it?”

            The sadness grows and her heart aches again.

            “Of course not.”

            Zelena takes her hand once more and she feels that string that ties them together.

            So frail, so loose.

            It feels like the contact pulls the knot a bit more closed.

            “I wasn’t just _around_. I helped raise her. She calls me momma.”

            “Because you _are_ her mother. I was mad, Jess. And I know how to be cruel.”

            “We can’t keep going in circles. It’s not healthy.”

            “Forgive me.”

            “I want to. But you have to do the same to me.”

            “Jess-”

            “My parents weren’t happy married, Z. They were two of the kindest people I’ve known. But not to each other. And I don’t want something for us that does _that_ to a couple.”

            The redhead stays quiet for a few seconds, fickles her thumb over Jessica’s skin.

            “We’re better than that.”

            “I don’t want to risk it.”

            “Look at me.” Hazel meets blue again and for the first time in so long, it is comforting. “I love you.”

            ( _“Do you remember mom and dad?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Is it like that, with your wife?”_

_“Mom and dad got married because they had no one else. My wife is the love of my life.”)_

Zelena is the love of her life, isn’t she?

            Zelena is warm and beautiful and caring.

            Zelena loves her and makes her heart grow fonder.

            “Do you want to get married?”

            “To you? Yes.”

            “Okay.”

* * *

             She’d like to say that they picked up where they left off. But they don’t. She doesn’t want to and neither does Jessica.

            They try to talk more.

            Jess asks her about the places she wants to visit and Zelena tries to learn how to fry things.

            Chloe wonders why they start sleeping in separate rooms and she tells the girl that it is an adventure.

            Truthfully, they just need space to heal. But not enough to let themselves drift apart.

            They watch movies together.

            Not just the ones they always do when it is Chlo’s last night with them for the week, but when they are alone as well.

            Jessica likes thrillers and black and white ones. She rather anything superhero related.

            When the play is pressed, they each occupy one end of the couch.

            When the credits roll, Zelena usually has her head rested on Jess’ lap. Or the other way around.

            But, actually, she likes it better when they both find a way to fit vertically on the tiny space. When the brunette has her back pressed against the redhead’s chest. When they are touching so fully that an outsider would have to really look to see where one begins and the other ends.

            It is because of one of those times that they finally take that next step.

            “I was expecting more, to be honest.”

            “It was made on the sixties. I don’t know how it could be better.”

            “The Sound of Music is one of the most watched movies ever.”

            Jessica turns around so they stare at each other and the woman is so very close that Zelena can’t see much of anything but the hazel eyes.

            “All in all, it wasn’t a _bad_ movie.”

            “No, it was really good. But there was such a build up that I kinda expected a life-changing thing.”

            “We can watch Snow White and the Seven Dwarves again, if you want to.”

            The brunette snorts, laughs right after and it warms her heart, to see Jess like that once more.

            “Nah, I don’t think Snow can take another one of our wraths.”

            She takes a chance, then. Lays her palm on Jessica’s waist. The gaze that stare into hers sparks.

            “We were quite mean the last time.”

            “But it was fun, wasn’t it?”

            “Remember when we started singing? Her face was priceless.”

            “And David tried to get into it.”

            “Poor man forgot his character’s notes are even worse.”

            “Maybe we should try Peter Pan the next time. Tink has been a smartass lately.”

            “And Hook deserves to have his butt kicked from time to time.”

            They smile and Jess brings her hand up, brushes her fingertips against Zelena’s cheek.

            She isn’t sure who leans forward first.

            But somehow, she finds herself kissing the woman.

            And they go slowly.

            Because neither wanted to pick up where they left off and it’s been so long that she just wants to enjoy it.

            Jessica cradles her neck, pulls her closer and the soft moan makes them shift, makes her move over, atop the brunette, who opens her legs and allows Zelena to rest their hips together.

            They are faster, then.

            Moans and pleads leaving them both.

            In some strange way, they manage to discard enough clothing to be pressed together only in underwear. Stomachs glued, legs intertwined.

            She’d missed it.

            How Jess makes her feel.

            How her belly is hot and liquid and that warmness descends lower, lower, gets her panting and struggling for breath by the soft flicks of the woman’s wrist.

            After they are done, lungs screaming for air and skin clamped with sweat, that thing they have tying them together is a bit stronger, a bit firmer.

            Some months later, when they once again share the same bed, Jessica leans over her as she is trying to finish a book Maleficent recommended.

            (Boring, really. Predictable characters and stiff conversations.)

            “Excuse me?” It leaves her mouth with a chuckle because the woman’s breasts press over the volume on her hands. “What are you doing?”

            The brunette doesn’t answer. Opens Zelena’s drawer instead, moves things around until her palm hits what she is apparently looking for.

            It comes out holding a black box.

            Her heart picks up its pace.

            Jess sits up, puts a lock of hair behind her ear.

            Hazel meets blue.

            “Do you really want to do it?”

            She knows what the brunette means.

            Of course she does.

            But her mind doesn’t seem to be working properly, because she mumbles.

            “Do what?”

            “Get married.”

            “Only if you do.”

            “Alright.”

            “Alright?”

            “Yeah, alright. Let’s do it.”

            “Are you joking?”

            “Let’s get married.”

            And they do.

            They do it on September, because the leaves are red and the earth is dark brown and it is the perfect combination, isn’t it?

            Henry spends all summer teaching Grinch how to carry the ring pillow and Chloe isn’t _only_ their flower girl, the girl makes blooms grow as she walks down the aisle, words under her breath being pronounced without disrupting her big smile.

            Elizabeth sits on the front roll and although struck throughout the ceremony, the blonde cries when they say I do.

            Regina’s speech as their made of honor is brief, but has Jessica bitting her lip not to smear her makeup and Zelena rushing to hug the younger Mills.

            “You’re good to one another. And I’m so glad both of my sisters found each other.”

            They don’t go far for their honeymoon. Neither can stand being away from home for too long.

            So they choose Los Angeles and the weather and the beaches are something else entirely.

            “I want another kid.”

            Jess is the one who whispers it as they are under the sheets, moon peeking through the windows.

            It looks like a movie scene, so of course she says yes.

            It takes them a while longer, but the brunette falls pregnant on their second at-home try.

            Zelena makes an effort not to laugh too much because Jessica has a worst pregnancy than she did. It’s not funny, not really, but when she finds her soulmate weeping over My Big Fat Greek Wedding, she can’t help the chuckles that bubble up her belly.

            Off course her wife doesn’t talk to her for two days after that, but she doesn’t regret it.

            And if she didn’t remind herself of her own time giving birth, she would have found the comedy on the otherwise sweet brunette screaming at Whale.

            The poor doctor is shouted away from the delivery room and, at the end, Caroline is the one who performs the labor, Daniel’s sister having been working at the hospital since the instant she got in town.

            Jessica swears enough that even Regina later asks the new mother where she learned so many of them.

            They have a boy. James, they call him and Chloe says that his nickname is Jamie, so Jamie it is for most of his childhood.

            (With the few exceptions to when his temper is greater than his age and they have to use a strong voice to apprehend him.)

            When he is three and spills Zelena’s red wine on Jess’ crisp white blouse and four hours later finally manages to fall asleep, the house is quiet.  They lay in bed. Still on their clothes, the brunette only having enough energy to take the stained part of her garment off.

            “Remember what I told you? About liking wine better?” Jessica says as they stare at the ceiling.

            “Uhm?”

            “I think I’m done with it now.”

            Honestly, it isn’t that funny, but they are so tired that they have to shush themselves not to wake the kids up with their laughter.

            “I love you.”

            She looks over, hazel meets blue and she smirks.

            “I love you.”

            The book Maleficent had once recommended her was not that good, but it had something that struck her.

            The simpler the moment, the brighter the smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song Silhouettes by Of Monsters and Men


End file.
